December 31, 2008

Hi guys, hope you are all well on this beautiful snowy day! Lava lamp on, kittehs watching the birds outside, inside finches meeping... all I need is a cigar. Oh yeah!

Abu Ghraibzales can't recall why people should think he's a douchebag

Of all the fucking nerve... Bunnypants' pet AG, who turned the US Justice Department into an international joke, is now writing a book "to set the record straight."

"What is it that I did that is so fundamentally wrong, that deserves this kind of response to my service?" the torture-loving wiretapper said during an interview Tuesday.
Right. Guess the fucker really can't recall.
During a lunch meeting two blocks from the White House, where he served under his longtime friend, Preznit Fuckwit, Mr. Gonzales said that "for some reason, I am portrayed as the one who is evil in formulating policies that people disagree with. I consider myself a casualty, one of the many casualties of the war on terror."
Jeebus. THIS is a casualty of the war on terror:


And THIS, you son of a bitch:

Fucking shameless pathetic dirtbag. Go to hell.

A WTF NYE PSM - numz!

Just in time for New Years Eve: the bacon martini. Garnished with candied bacon.

Sprinkle some brown sugar over bacon slices, and bake until crisp and caramelized. Go ahead, make the whole pound -- trust me, it's that good.

Serve the candied bacon on its own or as a cocktail garnish. Place some vodka and Applejack brandy in a shaker, with just a touch of amaretto and maple syrup. Shake with ice and pour into a chilled martini glass. Garnish with the candied bacon and a thin slice of apple (we do have to be somewhat healthful). VoilĂ . A candied bacon martini.

December 30, 2008

Family De-Values!!!!

People getting divorced these days are still fighting over who gets the house, but not like they used to.

With nearly one in six homes worth less than the mortgage owed on it, according to Moody’s, divorce lawyers and financial advisers around the country say the logistics of divorce have been turned around. “We used to fight about who gets to keep the house,” said Gary Nickelson, president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. “Now we fight about who gets stuck with the dead cow.”As a result, divorce has become more complicated and often more expensive, with lower prospects for money on the other side. Some divorce lawyers say that business has slowed or that clients are deciding to stay together because there are no assets left to help them start over.
It's a good thing we're protecting the sanctity of this holy institution from teh gay. Fighting over who gets to make the payments on an overpriced house...only the Deciderer could fuck up the formerly rock-solid real estate market.

Suspicious fires will soon become the next growth industry.

Re-Defining Pwned

Dr. Zbigniew Brzezinski PWNS ignorant Joe Scarborough on the Middle East.

"You have a such stunningly superficial knowledge of what went on it's almost embarrassing to listen to you."

Tru dat!

Add up the damage

Never forget the true Bush legacy, says a righteously pissed off Bob Herbert in this doozy of a NY Times op-ed:

When Mr. Bush officially takes his leave in three weeks (in reality, he checked out long ago), most Americans will be content to sigh good riddance. I disagree. I don’t think he should be allowed to slip quietly out of town. There should be a great hue and cry — a loud, collective angry howl, demonstrations with signs and bullhorns and fiery speeches — over the damage he’s done to this country.

This is the man who gave us the war in Iraq and Guantánamo and torture and rendition; who turned the Clinton economy and the budget surplus into fool’s gold; who dithered while New Orleans drowned; who trampled our civil liberties at home and ruined our reputation abroad; who let Dick Cheney run hog wild and thought Brownie was doing a heckuva job.

There seemed to be no end to Mr. Bush’s talent for destruction...

Word. But where was the Times and the rest of the press while all this was actually going on? Oh yeah: five miles up the collective asses of the misadministration. And while demonstrations are a damn good start, I'd rather hear a 'great hue and cry' to stick their miserable lying buttholes on a plane to the Hague. Fuck.

Awwww. Poor baby

Should we send hugs and flowers??

Ex-aides say Bush never recovered from Katrina

I imagine New Orleans residents, who never recovered from Bush, are giving him a resounding one-finger salute right about now.

"Katrina to me was the tipping point," said Matthew Dowd, Bush's pollster and chief strategist for the 2004 presidential campaign. "The president broke his bond with the public. Once that bond was broken, he no longer had the capacity to talk to the American public. State of the Union addresses? It didn't matter. Legislative initiatives? Meh. Threatening them with torture and the vice president? It didn't matter. P.R.? It didn't matter. Travel? It didn't matter."

Dan Bartlett, former White House communications director and later counselor to the president, said: "Politically, it was the final nail in the coffin."

Even topping ignoring a certain PDB, then reading "My Pet Goat" during the 9/11 attacks. Or lying about WMDs. Or illegally wiretapping American citizens. Or sitting in his secret fort playing Pokemons while the economy tanked. Or

Bitch, you trippin'?

Unwed, underage trailer-trash from North Bumfuck names spawn Zamboni Possum or something.

Moonshine all around!

December 29, 2008

Time wasters

  • The most ridiculous movie moments of 2008
  • The top 50 movie special effects shots
  • The top 500 worst passwords of all time
  • 2008 deaths: those who will and won't be missed
  • The 50 best astronomy pics of 2008
  • The 12 most embarrassing photos of 2008
  • The 10 most disturbing animals on Earth -- though it sadly does not include any of those spooky-looking deep-sea critters that are mostly maws, like the thing below which apparently also carries a miniature light-saber:

  • Dueling headlines

  • Rumsfeld, Ashcroft, other top Bush officials could soon face legal jeopardy
  • [Satan's porcine handmaiden]: History will vindicate Bush

  • Fuck you, TurdBlossom. Like you've been so right about everything the past few years.

    Oh plz plz plz plz

    Major-league asshole says something

    Vice President Dick Cheney warns that he and his wife plan to divide their time between their homes in Jackson, northern Virginia and Hades after Cheney thankfully, finally gets his walking papers next month.

    Cheney says he has no desire whatsoever to return to the dictatorshi elected office. He says he's loved his career in politics and torture, but there comes a time to step aside and shoot at people full-time.

    Cheney spoke from his home in Jackson, where he's been spending time ripping the heads off puppies and drowning bunnies.

    Sen. Craig's stall craps out as tourist stop

    The men's room at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport where Republican Sen. Larry Craig was arrested in a sex sting is losing it appeal as a tourist stop, an official said.

    Craig was accused of soliciting hot hot hot gay sex in the bathroom in June 2007 and pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in August 2007.

    One person had offered to buy the restroom stall for $5,000, a spokesman said, but airport officials "don't sell fixtures for novelty purposes."

    The gay not-gay gay Craig — who has maintained his innocence and heterosexuality - said he only pleaded guilty to keep the embarrassing situation quiet.
    Yeah, that worked well.

    His spokesman said in a press statement that Craig was "glad he could finally put the situation behind him."

    December 26, 2008

    Pic by MadisonGuy


    In their efforts to win over notoriously fickle warlords and chieftains, the CIA has offered up some solid incentive to get them to thrust into the battle and offer some stiff resistance

    The Afghan chieftain looked older than his 60-odd years, and his bearded face bore the creases of a man burdened with duties as tribal patriarch and husband to four younger women. His visitor, a CIA officer, saw an opportunity, and reached into his bag for a small gift.
    Four blue pills. Viagra.
    "Take one of these. You'll love it," the officer said. Compliments of Uncle Sam.
    The enticement worked. The officer, who described the encounter, returned four days later to an enthusiastic reception. The grinning chief offered up a bonanza of information about Taliban movements and supply routes -- followed by a request for more pills.
    Talk about hard intelligence.


    As former winners of this coveted award, we would like to offer congratulations to the winners of this year's The 2008 Golden Monkeyfist Awards.
    Our winning streak has been broken. It was lonely at the top.
    Go and check it out.

    Great stuff.

    December 24, 2008

    Merry Christmas

    ... and happy holidays to you all, dear friends!

    Breaking News

    White House Christmas: Cheney Gives Enriched Uranium Again

    According to several people on Mr. Cheney’s list, he has given enriched uranium for the past five Christmases. He has not revealed publicly where the uranium was obtained, or when.
    In related news.....
    In Lab Tests, Anthrax Spores Die When Exposed to Cheney

    Heh......have a Merry one.

    Happy Holidays

    12 Days of Christmas Told by Bob and Doug Mackenzie

    December 23, 2008

    President-elect ABama

    He's a baaaad mofo!

    Oh Noes!!!!!

    Reich wingnutosphere has preditable majos pissyfit over b. HUSSEIN Osama Obama's plans to use the Koran Lincoln's Bible for the swearing in.

    On January 20th, President-elect Barack Obama will take the oath of office using the same Bible upon which President Lincoln was sworn in at his first inauguration. The Bible is currently part of the collections of the Library of Congress. Though there is no constitutional requirement for the use of a Bible during the swearing-in, Presidents have traditionally used Bibles for the ceremony, choosing a volume with personal or historical significance. President-elect Obama will be the first President sworn in using the Lincoln Bible since its initial use in 1861.
    The real question is, which prominent Reichwingnut wackoff will TAKE CREDIT for pressuring Obama to not using a Koran?
    Or maybe it's just that the Koran will be hidden INSIDE the Lincoln Bible.

    Time wasters

  • Top paranormal events of 2008
  • The year's worst band names
  • For our British friends, six of the best TV title sequences
  • Facts about Festivus
  • Seven of the worst TV Christmas specials evar
  • The 100 most popular photoshop tutorials

  • Only a quarter of Americans think Cheney is the worst vice president ever

    Though most republitards thought he was almost as awesome as Sarah Failin could have been, six out of 10 independents and eight in 10 Democrats gave dick Cheney a rating of 'poor' or 'worst ever' in a CNN/Opinion Research Corp. poll. Wtf?

    "On the Sunday talk shows, Cheney took on the job of making an affirmative case for the Bush legacy," said Pete Holland, CNN polling director. "But the messenger got in the way of the message as soon as his snarling, blood-splattered phiz came on screen."


    Oh please

    Obama should not pursue war crimes prosecution because it would be a partisan attack, says partisan attacker Mort "cornhole" Kondracke:

    For the sake of national security and national unity, President-elect Barack Obama should put a stop to efforts to investigate or prosecute Bush administration officials for anti-terror "war crimes." {Quotes his -- Ed., disgusted}

    The motive behind such efforts is not — as claimed — "truth" or "justice," but political vengeance.

    Blowjob. National unity my ass. And you can blow me, you hypocritical motherfucker. Accountability for war crimes is not "vengeance," you chickenshit little fuckweasel. Remember this? Rule of law! Rule of law! Shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, you smarmy little shit. I sincerly hope all your neocon pals and their fucking retarded POS monkey-puppet are fucking called to the Hague, you cumdribbling bastard. Fuck you.

    The simple human decency of George W Bush: warmongerer, liar, torturer

    A moran actually named "Moran" writes in the ironically-named American Thinker that Der Chimpleton is an unsung fucking saint because he reportedly "sent personal letters to the families of the more than 4,000 troops who have died" in his two clusterfucks, one of them being his vanity/revenge war against "the guy who tried to kill [his] dad."

    Right. And I'm up for a fucking Pulitzer because I write stuff. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to feed my unicorns.

    260,000 breasts turn up

    It's "thanks for the mammaries" when 130,000 pairs of missing inflatable breasts intended for an Australian men's magazine finally turn up in Melbourne.

    Bush White House: Iraq is free -- to torture shoe-thrower

    Winning hearts and minds:

    A White House spokesman said Monday it was up to Iraq to handle the journalist who threw his shoes at beloved nincompoop Preznit CrashTest Dummy, after his brother alleged he had been tortured in custody.
    "See, its a democritude, an' if they decide to torture him, they're free to do so thanks to me," Bush was reported as saying, before returning to his coloring book.

    What phenominal progress! Democracy's on the march! It's another defining moment in our successful endeavor. So why does Muntazer al-Zaidi hate America, our troops?

    Tired old mumbler lands daily radio show somehow

    Oh, that's right: he's republican. Of course somebody gave him air time.

    Actor and failed presidential candidate Fred Thompson will bring his special brand of dynamic charisma to talk radio in March. His show, "Snoozin' with Fred," will be replacing "Shut Up! Shut Up, I'm Talking! With Bill O'Reilly."

    In his show, Thompson "will share his conservative views on politics, topical issues and pop culture stories" -- because God knows there aren't enough damn rebooblitoads on the air doing just that already, and hell, because we all care what Droney McSleepersons thinks. More than that, we... need... to... know. We wait with bated breath to hear what yet another bloviating repuke douchenozzle has to say about the new Dem administration. Ditto-snores, Fred! Fuck.

    Troglodytic gpuke rubberstamper suddenly interested in oversight

    Gee. Go figure. After 8 years of doing NOTHING to hold the disastrous, lying Bush misadministration accountable for anything, tiny-dicked rethug congressman Darrell Issa is already gearing up to investigate the Obamastration. Which isn't even in office yet, the hypocritical shit.

    December 22, 2008

    He knows if you've been bad or good

    Sorry for the light posting: we've waited until practically the last minute to do anything holiday-related and now we're rushing around like loons. Shopping, cooking, wrapping, decorating, cleaning, plus one of us will have to walk down and shovel the mailbox out one of these days. Anyhoo, here are some things that caught our eye today:

  • Tom Cruise "distractingly bad" in a heartwarming Christmas film about Nazis.

  • Tipsy "durrrrr" McStaggers "has had an MRI of his left shoulder in an attempt to understand why he has experienced pain recently."

  • Karl Rove's IT expert-turned-whistleblower Michael Connell was turned down for federal protection after being warned that his plane may have been sabotaged. Now he's dead in a suspicious plane crash.

  • After uber-dick Cheney growls disparagingly about his successor in between torturing and biting the heads off bunnies, Joe Biden basically tells him to go fuck himself.

  • Pathetically reaching for new outrages to manufacture, freetards whine that Obama will be spending Christmas in Hawaii -- a family tradition -- rather than freezing his blubbies off by staying in bitter, frozen, snowbound Chicago. Weh. You lost. Get over it. Losers.

  • Is it Still Zaapadan?

    Frank Zappa with his cross-eyed appropos.

    Happy Winter Solstice Celebration!

    No, Really, and I Apologize, buttFuck You!

    As the destruction of the middle class continues, let's just Destroy What the UAW Built:

    The UAW not only built the American middle class but helped engender every movement at the center of American liberalism today -- which is one reason that conservatives have always held the union in particular disdain.
    Over the past several weeks, it has become clear that the Republican right hates the UAW so much that it would prefer to plunge the nation into a depression rather than craft a bridge loan that doesn't single out the auto industry's unionized workers for punishment. (As manufacturing consultant Michael Wessel pointed out, no Republican demanded that Big Three executives have their pay permanently reduced to the relatively spartan levels of Japanese auto executives' pay.)
    How much would Bubba and Joe-Bob be making while working Hyndai, Toyota/ whothefuckingeversaki foreign automaker be making if it weren't for the anti-capitalism, anti free market UAfuckingW? About 10 bucks an hour, working as a temp. Without bennies. Of course, it wouldn't last......some guy named Hoolio down by the school yard would end up taking his job for 5 bucks an hour.

    Let's get real. The executives helped cause the present meltdown. The UAW did not.
    Fun fact: $28 an hour would just about be the right amount for one parent to make while the other stays home and raises the kids, like my parents were able to.

    25 million a year for the CEO is ok?
    Jebus Hussein Christ.
    The last action of a dying empire is to loot the treasury.

    Monday Funnies

    Lettermen's Top Ten George Bush Moments

    December 21, 2008

    A giant star on a Macy's store shines as heavy snow falls late at night Saturday, Dec. 20, 2008, in downtown Seattle, which rarely sees such major snow levels. Very few cars were on city streets at night, but there was heavy pedestrian traffic as people took in the sights and sounds of the winter storm. (AP Photo/Ted S. Warren)

    December 20, 2008

    Ha, Mr Tree, I hav U by the ballz!

    Douglas furball

    At first I was all 'nom nom nom' --

    And then I 'blrphphphphphphphed' --

    And more on the way tomorrow!

    Hi guys, we're trapped like beaver after 12 inches of firm... whoa. That's not coming out right. We got a foot of snow and now we're waiting for a plowing from the kid next door. Damn. Anyhoo, here's a pic from around 3 yesterday:

    Those lumpy things are whiskey-barrel planters and there's supposed to be a road back there.

    How's your day going?

    December 19, 2008

    Letting Freedom Rain

    Because such good things like almost getting hit by a shoe are things that happen in a free society. And the American/God given gift of liberty produces change that surrenderdefeatist b. HUSSEIN Obama could never deliver like THIS:

    Iraqi police say attackers have decapitated the leader of the women's league of the Kurdish Communist Party.
    A police officer says gunmen on Thursday stormed the Kirkuk home of Nahla Hussein al-Shaly and shot and beheaded her.
    And then of course, there's the old inconvenient truth of just how grand freedom is:
    The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President George W. Bush during a news conference was beaten afterward and had bruises on his face and around his eyes, a judge said Friday.
    The war is over, we have won, tyranny has been defeated and Iraq is now an American colony better of without Sadaam.

    Ain't spreadin freedom grand?
    God bless Murka, y'all.

    Homosexual eases into 100 at Olympics

    The year in media errors and corrections. Includes such beauts as "We have been asked to point out that Stuart Kennedy of Aberdeen, who appeared at Peterhead Sheriff Court on Monday, had 316 pink, frilly garters confiscated not 316 pink, frilly knickers," "Sen. Joe Lieberman, the Democratic vice presidential prick in 2000," and "[Bob] Novak has been a columnist for the Chicago Sun-Times for decades. He announced late last month he has a brain."

    This one is so mindblowing I may actually co-opt it to use in the future:

    In articles published on 23 and 26 May 2008, we gave the impression that Mr Gest had contracted a sexually transmitted infection and alleged that he had Liza Minnelli’s dog killed without her knowledge. This was wrong. David Gest has never had a sexually transmitted infection and did not have Ms Minnelli’s dog killed. We apologise to Mr Gest for any embarrassment caused.


    Time wasters

  • 30 unforgettable movie opening sequences -- all on one page!
  • The ghastliest gifts ever. Collective speeches of GW Bush not included.
  • The best photos of 2008
  • 49 microwaves play "Jingle Bells"

  • December 18, 2008

    Thursday awwwwwwws

    The Jingle Cats sing "What Child is This?"

    Time wasters

  • Bit of spiderweb in amber
  • Ten cool gadgets to give as Christmas presents
  • Last-minute cheap-ass stocking-stuffers
  • Gingerbread houses

  • For starters, you can kiss my ass

    Bush is looking for suggestions on what to do after leaving office. Let's help him out.

    The Bush legatoodnicity

    Finding the proper epitaph for eight disastrous years of incompetence and fucktardity. The Froomster:

    The White House is engaged in a furious campaign to convey more positive views of the Bush presidency than the ones commonly held by the public.

    "Protected the Nation" is precisely the kind of epitaph that the White House would like to see for Bush. But is it the best one? What about "Tortured Prisoners"? Or "Lost New Orleans"? "Liberator of Iraq" would be welcome, but what about "Attempted Tyrant"? "Decider" or "Divider"?

    Iraq and the war on terror will inevitably be central to Bush’s legacy, one way or the other. But so may the devastated economy. There’s also the matter of Hurricane Katrina, the growth of executive power, the decline of government competence, and so much more.

    What do you think is the appropriate -- and appropriately short -- epitaph for this presidency? Share your suggestions here.

    "No One Could Have Predicted..."
    "Didn't Forget Poland. Forgot the Constitution."
    "Heckuva Job... Ruining America."
    "Who Cares What You Think?"
    "George W. Bush: Intelligence Failure"
    "Worst President Ever."
    "George Debacle Bush."
    "The Worst Disaster to Hit the US"