March 6, 2008

What were these parents thinking?

I like baby names lists -- I check them out for possible cat names (not that I have any new ones. yet). But some of them are really f*cking bizarre. Case in point: the worst crotchspawn names of 2007 --

Ptolemy: The only other one we know of is an ancient Greek astronomer, mathematician, and man extraordinaire. Actress Gretchen Mol reached a little too far back in history for this Mediterranean-inspired choice. No one will be able to pronounce it, and what happens when the kid studies his namesake in school?

Magnus: Sounds too much like a prophylactic, volcanic matter, or a dated albeit then-popular Tom Selleck TV drama. Comic Kevin Nealon must be playing a joke on all of us with this choice.

E-: E...what? You'd think if you had to name your kid after a letter, Jay would be much better than this one, which was selected by parents in Washington. And while we're (grudgingly) willing to accept the use of apostrophes in baby names, we can't say the same for the hyphen. At least not when there isn't any more name to follow it.

Story: Actress Jenna Elfman's pick. It just doesn't make sense and certainly won't start a literary trend. Article, Essay, or Narrative, anyone? Every baby has a tale to tell, just not this way.

Ever: This is an adverb, not even an adjective or a noun, which do okay as names if you're in a pinch. It's going to get confusing when actress mom Milla Jovovich scolds the kid, "Ever, don't ever do that again!"

Heaven Rain: The only good news here: Brooke Burke's two older daughters are named Neriah and Sierra Sky. Though little Heaven's got a pretty lofty title to live up to, she'll fit right in at home.

Alabama: The trend of naming kids after locations obviously appealed to actress Drea De Matteo, but she's not even from the Southern state. We do hope she's going to be called Allie for short and turns out to be good at geography.

Princess: Every little girl is a princess to her parents, but it's a secret nickname. It's also a good name for a little fluffy white dog. Prince pulls off the male version because he's a rock star, but this baby, daughter of model Jordan, is set to be spoiled. (Don't get us started on Tiaamii, her middle name,...)

Evan: Don't go ballistic: Evan is a great name...for a boy. We know many wonderful Evans. But in this case, Napoleon Dynamite star Jon Heder bestowed it on his baby girl. Sorry, it's so not unisex.

Superman: Their first choice was "4Real".
The worst thing I did was naming Berry after the dingleberries he used to get when he was a kitten. And around this house, he probably thinks it's funny.



Weasel said...

If you think that's bad, I've heard some real winners being used by parents in the check-out lanes. Examples: Kessler (were ya drunk when you named the poor kid?), Shmarr, Neveah (which is Heaven spelled backwards) and America. What the hell happened to nice, normal names like Jessica and Roger?

Some people just shouldn't breed.

Anonymous said...

At my job in college admissions, I've seen the name Princess many times. Add that to Dimple, Peaches, History, Chardonnay, Chablis, Partay and Hezekiah for a few examples.

Anonymous said...

Got a bone to pick with Evan. I am 50 and grew up with a female Evan. Her sister Beverly was named after her grandfather. And think of Ashley - Wilkes in gone from the wind was a male.

ThePoliticalCat said...

Weasel, make that most people.

Why do breeders hate their spawn?

Other crotchrocket faves: Passion (often spelled Pashen or Pashun); Twee; Ureena (look it up, she's the sister of a man who was recently murdered &mdash whatthefuck were her parents thinking???); Brandy (guess we know what that kid's parents were up to); Paris; Jovan; Courvoisier; Jahmari (sounds like a bottled sauce to me); Chardonnay; Orion (mother's a space cadet). These are all real names of real people that I (unfortunately) really know.

Actually, I know their stupid parents. I don't want to know the children. I just have visions of standing on a street somewhere screaming "Chardonnay! Brandy! Courvoisier! Come here!"

Anonymous said...

I used to work for a child welfare agency and the names WE got were way worse than these.

ABCDE--pronounced AB-suh-dee.

Snow White

Sky Blue

And a bunch of names that sound more like pharmaceuticals than children. Only the apostrophes clued us in.

Anonymous said...

my cousin wanted to name her son (wait for it) tylenol. i told her there will be no naming of children after analgesics. oh, and by the way, my sister is evan and i, her sister, am sydney.

Distributorcap said...

or people who have inappropriate first names with their last name like Dusty Rhodes and Candy Barr

meanwhile berry is awfully cute

ThePoliticalCat said...

distributorcap: His first name is Dingle.

krshorewood said...

Many of these sound like names for condoms.

maru said...

There's a guy at work named Peter Hung. I get the giggles every time I see him.

Anonymous said...

There was a girl at a school I used to teach in, her name was Lovely Ebony Gracious Sweet Angel Tamara (..Last name..). Her sisters names were Adorable, Precious, and Gorgeous.

I am Not kidding.

Anonymous said...

FACT: Kessler was Kramer's name in the Seinfeld pilot

FACT: Alabama 3 performed "Woke Up This Morning", the theme for The Sopranos, where Drea De Matteo played Adriana until she went for a ride with Sil.