VP Cheney's rotors seize

Dick Cheney had an abnormal heart beat Wednesday morning. Which came as a complete surprise, since the nutritional information on the box said the organs had come from "healthy volunteers."

The vice president's office said that after experiencing the problem, Cheney had his personal mechanic summoned from the bunker's dungeon. As a result of an examination, Cheney was scheduled to go to the hospital for a recalibration and jump-start -- known as "an electrical shock" -- to restore his normal rhythm of utterly wretched cantankerousism.

Lights on the East Coast are expected to dim for the duration of the procedure.