May 26, 2006

Weird news

  • Extraterrestrial living in duck's stomach.
  • Satanic skull found on Baffin Island.
  • Site of Boudicca's final battle with the Romans may have been found.
  • Spineless Senate confirms NSA sneak who championed illegal warrantless wiretaps as CIA direc -- oh, wait...

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  • American idiots
    The top right-wing rock songs, as picked by the irony-challenged fuckwits at the National Review. "Lyrics must convey a conservative idea or sentiment, such as skepticism of government or support for traditional values."

    Kenny Boy, meet Brownie
    "Another dark moment in the Bush era," wHoward 'spanky' Fineman tearfully writes during a mammoth wank-off in front of a pic of Smirky McGoober in his flightsuit.

    "If you want a date to mark the beginning of the end of the Bush Era in American life, you may as well make it this one: May 25, 2006. The Enron jury in Houston didn’t just put the wood to Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling. The jurors took a chain saw to the moral claims of the Texas-based corporate culture that had helped fuel the rise to power of President George W. Bush."
    "But enough: we should be writing about our great economy, how there have been no post-9/11 attacks on the homeland - all thanks to our manly cowboy-in-chief, the studly heroic warrior, the handpicked-by-Jebus savior of our nation... sob..."

    Besides, Enron was all Bill Clinton's fault.

    Sith lord's days as untouchable demigod, like his underpants, are numbered
    Experts say vice president Cheney can't avoid testifying if the prosecutor calls him as a witness in the CIA leak case.

    "Executive privilege my ass," former federal prosecutor E. Lawrence Barcalounger said Thursday. "He'll have a tough time arguing that his notes qualify as a national security secret. Jerkoff."

    "You fucking peasant! Get out of my face before I blow yours off!"

    Who's ridiculous now
    Fox News gasbag/falafel abuser Bill O'Reilly: young Americans "have no idea what's going on" because they "get their news from Jon Stewart."

    O RLY: "Daily Show viewers are considerably better educated than viewers of The O'Reilly Factor. Further, consumers of Fox News in general have been found to be significantly more misinformed about current events than consumers of other mainstream media."

    BuzzFlash's GOP Hypocrite of the Week
    For six years you gave a thief everything he wanted, no questions asked - then you suddenly wake up and complain that he stole stuff from your house. Denny Hastert, this is your life! Loser!

    Pass the oil
    Though he thoroughly #ucked his employees, Kenny-boy Lay's sexual prowess is still in question. Hopefully he can work on it while in prison.

    May 25, 2006

    I need this on my iPod
    MadKane's Ode To Kenny Boy.

    Fla. Gov. Jeb Bush quashes rumors that he will ruin football, will continue family tradition of ruining country instead.

    FBI finds Osama Hoffa's remains
    Maybe. They're doin' a heckuva job.

    Wtf is he so pissed about?
    Angry republicans: VP Dick "dick" Cheney snarls as he addresses a fundraiser for Brian 'dildo' Bilbray, who is running for some congressional seat in California. Maybe he saw the protester's sign that read "exposing a CIA agent is treason."

    Gpukes diss America's Mayor
    Rudy Guiliani caught teh ghey and doesn't represent our values, say party officials.

    What's that, Mr Mehlman? Ms Cheney?
    :: crickets ::

    OK, raise your hand if you haven't been convicted...
    Ummm, not so fast, Mr Lay...

    Kenny-boy Lay and Jeff Skilling have been convicted of conspiracy to commit securities and wire fraud in "one of the biggest business scandals in US history."

    Lay was also convicted of bank fraud and making false statements to banks in a separate trial related to his personal banking.

    Lay was convicted on all six counts against him in the trial with Skilling. Skilling was convicted on 19 of the 28 counts against and acquitted on the remaining nine.

    If they're not pardoned by their good buddy W, Lay faces up to 165 years in prison; Skilling up to 275 years.

    OK, raise your hand if you're not under investigation...
    Ummmm, not so fast, Mr Hastert.

    House Speaker Denny Hastert finds horse's head in his bed this morning: ABC News, citing "high-level official sources," reported that the FBI is investigating a letter Hastert wrote three years ago urging Gale Norton to block an Indian casino that was not on indicted criminal and GOP pet lobbyist Jack Abramoff's 'preferred' list.

    Hastert deflected questions about the report by telling reporters to "ask the Justice Department." Asked where the report came from, the speaker shook his head and said, "Somebody leaked it."

    "Despite a flat denial from the Department of Justice, federal law enforcement sources tonight said ABC News accurately reported that Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert is 'in the mix' in the FBI investigation of corruption in Congress," says ABC News chief investigative correspondent Brian Ross.

    Trust us!
    Have we ever lied to you?

    Not frightened enough yet? The Bushistan United States government, not any court, is the best judge of whether to keep programs such as its illegal, warrantless wiretapping on citizens a secret, the assistant AG said on Wednesday.

    May 24, 2006

    Animal blogging
    Three baby tigers with their mother at the Siberian Tiger Park in Harbin, capital of northeast China's Heilongjiang Province, Tuesday, May 23, 2006.

    A newborn Egyptian tortoise sits on the finger of its keeper at Chester Zoo, northwest England, May 23, 2006.

    Tiger raised by pigs hangs out with siblings.

    Turkey strangles rare albino fowl.

    Don't #uck with my internets!
    Karl Rove and other misadministration officials, working with conservative cranks such as James Dobson, used 'intense pressure' to force ICANN into voting against creating a domain for adult web sites.

    "The documents released so far reveal that the United States government exerted undue political influence on ICANN's consideration of the .xxx domain application, and treated an independent corporation as a client agency of the United States government despite a lack of any legitimate authority to do so," wrote Stuart Lawley, ICM Registry president.

    So... what'll they ban next?

    Fun fact: Rather than write any real legislation, the Senate designates June as "National Internet Safety Month."

    Yore either with us or against us!
    The misadministration tries to bully Norway into buying fighter jets produced in Bush's 'home state' of Texas.

    House speaker goes straight to Bush to protest raid
    Denny Hastert was so angry that he complained to the Boy King about the FBI's conduct.

    The FBI's raid on Rep. William Jefferson's office is rippling through Capitol Hill, with majority Republicans in the House complaining to a GOP president and predicting a constitutional showdown in the Supreme Court.
    Meanwhile, Jefferson, who declined to explain what $90,000 in cash was doing wrapped and stashed in his freezer, has denied any wrongdoing.

    White House mum on Abramoff, gay prostitute visits
    If you haven't done anything wrong, it shouldn't be a problem, right? If you have nothing to hide, what are you so afraid of?

    Humanoid skull-like object spotted on Mars:

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    Jellocrats endorse lying NSA sneak as CIA director
    How's it feel being worthless, pathetic assholes?

    The Senate Intelligence Committee voted 12-3 to approve Air Force Gen. Michael 'we don't need no stinkin' warrants!' Hayden after only an hour of bending over and taking it up the closed-door discussion. All eight Republicans and four of the seven Democrats backed him. Hayden still has to be confirmed by the full Senate.

    The three heroes that voted no were Evan Bayh of Nutsack, Indiana; Ron Wyden of Bigdick, Oregon and Russ Feingold of Heavyswingingmeat, Wisconsin. Kudos, gentlemen.

    Mission accomplished
    Feeling safer yet? From this morning's headlines:

  • "Violence in Afghanistan surges as Taliban appears more organized."

  • "Armed groups propel Iraq toward chaos."

  • "Bin Laden may be trying to reassert power."

  • "War provoking terror, Amnesty says."

    But... but... we're fightin' 'em over there!

    And in a somewhat related story, Transportation Security Administration (TSA) documents reveal more than 1400 TSA employee ID badges and uniform items have been reported lost or stolen since 2003. Have a nice day.

  • What goes around comes around
    News Item (2004): Preznit Integritude appoints former ChevronTexaco lawyer as chairman of the Federal Trade Commission.

    News Item (2006): Federal Trade Commission clears oil companies of price fixing.

    - from the Chicago SunTimes.

    May 23, 2006

    Dems must end talk of Bush impeachment, says panicking dipshit
    Oh, eat me.

    "We don’t impeach presidents for incompetence…only for high crimes and misdemeanors.” And blowjobs - isn't that right, you cocksucking hack?

    "Now that everyone recognizes what I first said last September – that Democrats have a real chance of taking back control of the House of Representatives this Fall – it’s time for Democrats to start acting like winners. Step one would be for the Democratic leadership to definitively put to rest any loose talk of impeaching President Bush."
    - some #ucking jizzbag vichycrat at Fox News. Puh. Don't you wish.

    Step two would be for the Dems to get over their vapours and impeach the powermad little fuckwit as soon as they get the chance. #uck all of them.

    The anti-Bush alliance
    Bush doctrine = doodoo, says planet

    Winning hearts and minds: 'Countries large and small' are rejecting war preznit Smirky McStupid's humble foreign policy-by-intimidation.

    Instead of inciting awe and submission, the policies associated with Vice President Dick Cheney and other administration hawks are motivating countries in Eurasia, the Middle East, and Latin America to seek channels for cooperation against US hegemony.

    Paul Krugman righteously bitchslaps dinowhore Joe 'Zell' Lieberman:

    Mr. Lieberman's defenders would have you believe that his increasingly unpopular positions reflect his principles. But his Bushlike inability to face reality on Iraq looks less like a stand on principle than the behavior of a narcissist who can't admit error. And the common theme in Mr. Lieberman's positions seems to be this: In each case he has taken the stand that is most likely to get him on TV.

    You see, the talking-head circuit loves centrists. But a centrist, as defined inside the Beltway, doesn't mean someone whose views are actually in the center, as judged by public opinion.

    Instead, a Democrat is considered centrist to the extent that he does what Mr. Lieberman does: lends his support to Republican talking points, even if those talking points don't correspond at all to what most of the public wants or believes.

    The continuing saga

    "We have an obligation to ensure that our national security is protected." - Abuto Ghraibzales, this weekend. Unless the traitors work in the White House.

    The classified status of the identity of former CIA officer Valerie Plame will be a key element in any trial of Scooter Libby, according to special counsel Patrick Fitzgerald.

    Fitzgerald has said that at trial he plans to show that Libby knew Plame's employment at the CIA was classified and that he lied to the grand jury when he said he had learned from Tim Russert that Plame, the wife of former ambassador Joseph Wilson, worked for the agency.
    So... will Libby also be charged with violating national security? Will Dick Cheney be called as a prosecution witness against his former chief of staff? Will incontinent traitor Bob Novak's name be on the list of reporters Gonzales will prosecute for publishing classified information? Will Hell freeze over?

    More updates: David Shuster on Hardball last night said that Karl Rove's legal team expects Fitzgerald to announce a decision "at any time." The grand jury is scheduled to meet again this Wednesday.

    Meanwhile, Truthout is not backing down from their Rove indictment story. Not only are they "flat-out calling" Rove's spokesman and lawyer liars, they say Rove "may" be cooperating and turning state's evidence against the vice president.
    We know that we have now three independent sources confirming that attorneys for Karl Rove were handed an indictment either late in the night of May 12 or early in the morning of May 13. We know that each source was in a position to know what they were talking about....

    And we know that White House spokesman Tony Snow now refuses to discuss Karl Rove - at all.
    The plot, like what's left of Cheney's arteries, thickens:
    The Wayne Madsen Report and the Chris Matthews Show have both floated the theory that Fitzgerald had secured indictments against Rove, but Gonzales --via Gonzales' deputy and Fitzgerald's direct superior, Paul McNulty -- came in at the last second and used his power as Fitzgerald's superior to kill the indictments.
    And because I never get tired of this picture, FU, you smug bastard:

    Pic by Manuel Lao.

    Congressional leaders challenge FBI raid
    In a stunning display caused by either the sudden onset of testosterone or by the introduction of illegal substances, House and Senate leaders of both parties called bullshit on the Bushevik raid of Louisiana Democratic Rep William Jefferson's office, saying it 'broke a 219-year precedent and raised concerns about the separation of power between the administration and Congress.' About fucking time.

    "The actions of the Justice Department in seeking and executing this warrant raise important constitutional issues,'' House Speaker Dennis Hastert said in a statement last night. "I expect to seek a means to restore the delicate balance of power among the branches of government that the founders intended.''

    The speaker said it "would appear'' that Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was aware the Justice Department had entered "constitutionally suspect grounds'' in conducting the raid.
    Beaming down from Planet Fuckwit, Senate Majority Leader/douchebag Bill Frist also made a statement, telling the press that he had asked legal counsel for advice on the raid's "constitutional implications" while proudly showing reporters his shiny new temporary neuticles.

    May 22, 2006

    Not so fast, asshole
    The DNC is consulting lawyers after human *%$@*$%%# Matt Drudge reported that DNC chairman Howard Dean intervened in New Orleans' mayoral race.

    "I have called our lawyer to see what if any legal actions we may have," DNC communications director Karen Finney remarked.
    "God, can Drudge be more of a flaming touchhole or what?" she should have added in disgust.

    AG: vote on language, like civil rights, largely symbolic
    "The president has never been supportive of English as the official language," AG Gonzales said today, trying to have it both ways.

    He prefers to speak in a mixture of lower-primate and pidgen.

    Oil companies cleared in gas price-fixing probe
    The misadministration found no widespread gas-price gouging by the oil industry after Hurricane Katrina.

    The FTC sought to downplay the instances of price gouging by seven refiners, two wholesalers and six retailers, chalking up their soaring prices in September 2005 to “regional or local market trends.”
    Nothing to see here, move along...

    Oh, and #uck you

    "I stand that ground because I believed, rightly or wrongly, that my country's interests and values required it," craven panderer and Bush suckass John McCain intoned during his campai speech at the New School last week.

    "Wrongly!" one student boomed from the back.

    On his round of the repug talking points shows Sunday McCain 'lamented the nation's bitter political climate and suggested that students at the New School in New York take a courtesy lesson' from those at Jerry 'agent of intolerance' Falwell's Liberty University.

    Courtesy? Someone should have told his chief of staff: longtime McCain aide Mark Salter insulted Jean Rohe and her entire graduating class Monday, saying Rohe was not only "discourteous," but succeeded in making [herself] look like an idiot," and that it's "unlikely any of you will ever posses the [sic] one small fraction of the character of John McCain."

    Uhhh, yeah.

    Attorney Gen: your ass is mine, traitors
    Continuing to use 'national security' as an excuse for their criminal and un-American activities, Attorney General Albuto Ghraibzales said Sunday that not only will the government not hesitate to track telephone calls made by reporters as part of a criminal leak investigation, but that journalists can be prosecuted for publishing classified information.

    "I can't imagine a bigger chill on free speech and the public's right to know what it's government is up to - both hallmarks of a democracy - than prosecuting reporters," Lucy Dalglish, executive director of the Reporters Committee for Freedom of the Press, said.

    ‘It makes me feel as if we are drug dealers or terrorists,’ ABC’s chief investigative correspondent Brian Ross said this weekend.

    Gee. I don't know who's worse... Maybe if the press had spoken out a few years ago we wouldn't find ourselves in this situation right now, hmmmmmmmm?

    Popular preznint's popularity in pooper
    "People like this president." - Karl Rove last week.

    "This preznit's personal popularity numbers have dropped in several polls." - Knight Ridder.

    "The polls I believe are the polls that get run through the RNC." - Rove again.

    You know, the polls that the RNC is refusing to release to the public.

    May 21, 2006

    Cool-sounding hometowns
    From our MapStats visitor box: Finksburg and Nonantum in the US, and Etobicoke in Canada. Welcome!

    - :: giggle :: Like, duh! Actual headline from CBS News.

    May 19, 2006

    Dear Mom and Dad,

    If you're reading this, I have ascended to Heaven, and you are damned for all eternity. So could you please take care of my cats and water the garden for me? I'll say a prayer for you.

    Yours in Christ,