April 22, 2002



Today in History

1509 Henry VIII ascended the throne of England following the death of his father, Henry VII.
1952 an atomic test conducted in Nevada became the first nuclear explosion shown on live network television.
1970 millions of Americans concerned about the environment observed the first "Earth Day."
1994 Richard M. Nixon, one of the real, elected presidents of the United States, died at a NY hospital four days after suffering a stroke.
2001 Leaders of 34 Western Hemisphere nations meeting in Quebec agreed to stick with an ambitious plan to create the world's largest free-trade zone by 2005 and penalize any country that strayed from the path of democracy. Looks like they gave the USA a free pass, though.
2002 in a stunning example of obliviousness, the Toxic Tinhorn had an Earth Day photo-op in the Adirondacks, one of the birthplaces of American wilderness preservation. Surprisingly, the earthquake of a few days ago was not repeated, and lightning did not strike his simian phiz, but the sky did turn black - with snow.

Word of the Day: Anathema - The residency of the Impotent Impotentate was anathema to every thinking person.


The Top 7 Signs from God that Archbishop Bernard Law Should Step Down

7. Thunder crashes, heavens part, divine voice booms down, "Everyone in My service take one step forward...where the Hell are you going, Law?"

6. College of Cardinals demands his letterman sweater back.

5. The pope authorizes "Hail Marys" to be said for penance, along with new "Screw Bernards."

4. The Cardinal wakes up to find a horse head in his bed. A burning horse head. And it tells him to quit.

3. Has renewed plague on both houses: Celtics and Sox.

2. The giant Terry Gilliam 2D hand coming out of a cloud and pointing out the door.

and the Number 1 Sign from God that Archbishop Bernard Law Should Step Down...

1. Despite heartfelt prayer, plague of Kennedys shows no signs of abating. - from Top5.com!


In Other News:

Split Develops in White House On Mideast Policy
One faction wants hesitation, the other indecision.

Pope Calls U.S. Cardinals to Rome for Meeting on Church Sex Scandals
Prelates to receive holy guidance, tour Rome, take in Fellini retrospective.

Johnnie Cochran Hired by Robert Blake
"If his parrot don't squawk, Baretta will walk," says famed attorney.

Afghanistan Facing Worst Plague Of Locusts in 30 Years
"If it isn't one thing, it's another," jokes interim leader Hamid Karzai.

High Court Okays Virtual Child Porn
"Go ahead, enjoy," writes Justice Thomas for the majority.

Backers of Alaskan Drilling Make Their Case
More oil needed to power more air conditioners made necessary by global warming caused by burning oil, they argue.

News Quiz:
A military coup d'etat supported by business interests in Venezuela briefly overthrew the democratically-elected government, supported by the nation's poor. During the crisis, the United States staunchly supported:

A) The democratically-elected government supported by the poor.
B) An interim, caretaker regime composed of a panel of judges from the planet Zorcan under the direction of Gandolf the Wise.
C) The military coup supported by business interests.

Answer next week


Repuke leaders angry, disappointed in appointed figurehead

The Crook from Crawford 'Faces Sustained Dissension on the Right - A Sense of Disappointment Is Spreading'. The friction has been brewing for months, in mass e-mails, on conference calls and at weekly Capitol Hill gatherings of conservatives. These activists complain that Resident Dumbass has increasingly chosen political expedience over principle - as if repukes can be said to have any.

"On some fundamental questions, a sense of disappointment is spreading," said Gary Bauer. "This is a great way of discouraging grass-roots activists, who are the heart of the party."

Another conservative activist, Paul Weyrich, said: "Conservatives in a broad cross section of the movement are getting very uneasy about this presidency." To which we at 'WTF' say "Welcome to Planet Earth, dipwads." A well-known conservative, who asked not to be named, said, "A whole bunch of wounds are bleeding." Not heavily enough, though tourniquets applied to some necks certainly wouldn't hurt matters. (Note from the Mgmt: we do not endorse threats of any kind - so get those damn helicopters off my lawn!!) - from The Washington comPost. Mostly.


Quotes!

"How about Shrubcos' latest crap about charging the POWs (?) with unspecified "War Crimes" based on a lack of evidence of any crime? The last time I looked 'shooting back' wasn't considered a crime by the international community. I sure hope the Supreme Court lets us take our counry back in 2004, but Asscrack (The Greast threat to freedom in America since Huey Long) may try to arrest THEM if they do." - MD, from another list I'm on

"Bush has discovered that the rest of the world is not so black and white. And beyond Afghanistan -- in the Middle East, Iraq and Venezuela -- Bush and company have made a mess of everything they've touched." - Bill Press

"Although we fully support the 'president' in his 'important war' on terrorism around the world, we're outraged by the administration's using the war for cover on its stealth war on our air, water and quality of life," - Alan Metrick, spokesman for The Natural Resources Defense Council.

"The president has a strong record on the environment, and the environment is one of the reasons he defeated Al Gore in the election of 2000," - WH spokes-tool and Borscht-Belt Comedian Ari "the liar" Fleischer.

""The Pope has asked Italy's top soccer coach to lecture the American Cardinals on how to do your job without using your hands." - Leno

"Spring is in the air. The Cardinals are returning to Rome. The Pope lured them with the promise of a performance by the Vienna Boys Choir." - Leno

"President Bush gave environmental awards to some kids today in the Rose Garden. Then he asked them to help him rip up the rose bushes and drill for oil." - Conan



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