WTF Is It Now?!?

Oi.

In Yet Another Chapter of The Party of Honor and Integritude:

Illinois' attorney general has become the most prominent repuke yet to say GOP Gov. George Ryan should consider resigning. In a statement issued Tuesday, Attorney General Jim Ryan said the governor should think about stepping aside because of an "extraordinary erosion of trust" caused by the bribery scandal among his underlings.
The governor has not been accused in the four-year scandal in which 48 individuals have been charged and 42 convicted, many of them former secretary of state's employees and campaign workers under the governor.

"The decision to step down is one only Gov. George Ryan can make. But given the extraordinary erosion of trust in his office, unfortunately, it's one he must consider," Jim Ryan said. "I mean, after all - f*cker's giving all us Ryans a bad name. And wtf will this mean on election day?? Crap!"

"I'm not concerned about all this political stuff," the governor replied. "He can kiss my ass."



One year ago today: The Nooculer Nincompoop, from his secret superhero fort, planned to commit billions of taxpayer dollars to building a shield against ballistic missile attack, thereby enriching the coffers of Poppy and Unca Dick.

Today, Defib Dick and the Smirking Simpleton will be meeting with Chinese VP Hu Jintao (I can almost hear Squinty McPretzal now: "Hu? Who? Hu?" Jeezus.) Cheney will be lunching with him privately at the vice presidential residence, and Preznit Poopypants has crayoned in this afternoon for an Oval Office photo-op.



Word of the Day: Belie - Chimpy McPretzal's red-nosed, squinty appearance belied stories that he had stopped drinking and smoking crack.



In Other News:

Nebula Alleges Hubble Pics Faked!

The Omega nebula, also known as the Horseshoe nebula or M17, filed suit today against the U.S. government and NASA claiming recently released pictures allegedly taken by the Hubble Space Telescope were faked.

"Anybody who knows me knows that those are not my star clusters," said the massive, star-forming region of the Milky Way galaxy. "Clearly, those are somebody else's clusters superimposed over my hydrogen cloud."

NASA refused to comment about the suit, although officials said they had agreed to stop referring to the Nebula as a "hotbed" of stellar activity.


Bush: "Dad Left Wallet in Iraq"

Arab leaders today said they were skeptical of George W. Bush's latest assertion regarding Iraq: that his father left his wallet in Baghdad and the United States just wants to dash in with 100,000 troops and get it. "I don't know, I've forgotten my wallet before, but I just have my secretary cancel my credit cards," said Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah. The Prince added, however, that he hoped Bush's father, former President George H.W. Bush, did not lose any money. "I know Saddam, and believe me, if there was any cash in that wallet, it's long gone."

While dubious, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak said the lost item explanation was an improvement over last week, when Bush insisted Iraq had been chosen as the site of the 2004 Republican National Convention, and the President needed to send in a "scouting party" to check out hotels in the area.



The Top 6 Rejected Voter Registration Drive Slogans

6. 4 out of 9 Supreme Court Justices Agree: Your Vote Matters.

5. Like Bloody Coups, Only Faster.

4. You Want to Be Able to Vote for that New M&M Color, Don't You?

3. Don't *Make* Us Have to Cheat.

2. Who Knows? They Just Might Count it this Time!

and the Number 1 Rejected Voter Registration Drive Slogan...

1. If You Don't Vote, then the Supreme Court Has Already Won.




More on the Chickensh!t Pretzalchoker's "lack of support to the problem of homeland security''

The Coward of Crawford administration is preventing the public from gaining an overview of U.S. anti-terrorism strategy by barring Homeland Security Reichsmarshall Tom Ridge from testifying to Congress, the chairman of the Senate Appropriations Committee said Tuesday.

"I've made no threats, I've made no partisan statements,'' Robert Byrd said. "I simply can't understand the arrogance on the part of an administration that will not assist Congress...we need Mr. Ridge.'' Byrd argued that an appearance by Ridge would be invaluable because allegedly he has the broadest view of the government's anti-terror initiatives, including its plans for using the $38 billion the Simian Sockpuppet has requested for next year.

"The real losers are the American people whose lives this government is trying to protect,'' Byrd said. "I certainly don't want to hand over billions of dollars just so these clowns can add another color to their stupid Terra Lert Chart - I mean, for crissakes!"




Last Night on Crossfire:

Paul Begala: Linda Lay, the wife of Enron CEO Kenny Boy Lay, is opening up a second-hand store in Houston called "Just Stuff." Mrs. Lay, who memorably wept on national television at the prospect of selling one of the family's mansions, plans to sell a used lamp, made from antique street lights, a used mahogany bed, a used desk and several used members of the Bush Administration. When reached for comment, Ken Lay said I'm so proud she is continuing the family tradition of ripping off Houstonians

Paul Begala: During the election campaign of 2000, George W. Bush, then governor, attacked a proposal from House Republicans to cut student loans and other programs. At the time, candidate Bush said, "I don't think they ought to balance their budget on the backs of the poor." But in a turnabout, pResident Bush this week asked Congress to slash student loans and other programs by over $5 billion and now it's congressional republicans who are saying the cuts are unfair to the poor. When asked what middle class and lower income students are supposed to do if they're kicked off from their student loans, Bush said they can do what I did, call my dad from a bar and ask for more money from the trust fund.

Boob Novak: Scott from LaBelle, Idaho says, "Paul, although this program is certainly more entertaining than it has been in the past, I find I can't believe a word you say because of your role as a spinmeister in the Clinton White House."

Paul Begala: What did he not believe? The 24 million new jobs, the lowest crime rate in history, the lowest welfare rates in history, the greatest president in my lifetime? Scott? Here's Dano in Salone Springs, Arkansas. "I finally figured out why Novak is called the Prince of Darkness. His small mind is too closed to allow light. He and the squeaky boy tie seem to think that volume control compensate for lack of intelligence."



Southern California Says NO to Bush and Simon

More than 600 Californians came together to protest a Bush/Simon fundraiser at Century City today and let the pair know they're not welcome in our state. The crowd included kids and people of all colors and ethnic groups protesting Bush's theft of the White House, his policies and his attempt to buy the governorship for a man who is opposed to everything real Californians want.

Local unions came out in full force with signs noting Simon's disregard for workers and his similarity to Wilson (the man responsible for California's power crisis.) While many Jews and Palestinians may be on opposite sides in the Middle East, in Century City they stood side by side in opposition to Bush.

Protesters chanted: "What do we want? Bush in jail. When do we want it? Now," "4,3,2,1 Investigate Bush for 9-1-1," "1,2,3,4 Recount proves that Gore got more. 5,6,7,8. Resign right now. It's not too late," and "Hey, hey. Ho, ho. S & L Simon has to go."' A giant banner read, "G W BUSH, history will condemn you."




Weird Stuff: The Field of the Dead, Templars, and Rennes-le-Château:

In 1927, a subterranean chamber in France was discovered, accidentally, by a cow. Full of mysterious artefacts, some of them Neolithic, the find was an enigma. Was it a mediæval magician's store, a Templar treasure house or something even more mysterious?

Seventeen-year-old Emile Fradin was helping his grandfather on their family farm at Glozel, near Vichy in the heart of central France, when they stumbled - quite literally - across one of the most bitterly controversial mysteries of the century. It was 1 March 1924 when one of their grazing cattle fell suddenly through the apparently smooth and stable surface of the meadow. The ground collapsed under the poor beast, dropping it into a totally unsuspected, artificial chamber or cavity. This strange, man-made
chamber was lined with interlocking bricks, some of them glazed as though by intense heat. The room resembled a primitive glassworks, or mediæval kiln. Young Emile rescued the unlucky bovine by passing broad webbing under the cow to lift it. Descending again to explore - without the impediment of sharing the chamber with a frightened cow - he made some extremely exciting discoveries.

The chamber was full of shelves and niches containing many ancient and unusual objects. There were several carved bones and a number of antlers. There were what appeared to be statuettes of primitive deities - resembling the heavily pregnant Stone Age 'Venus' - and, most intriguing of all, there were numerous clay tablets covered with an unknown alphabet. In the years that followed, so many human remains were found in the surrounding area that locals named the place Champ des Morts (The Field of the Dead). Some orthodox archæologists were sceptical about Glozel because of the wide time-range of the discoveries. The earliest and latest specimens were separated by as much as 3000-4000 years. What individual, or group, could have collected them there and, above all, why?