WTF Is It Now?!?

CNN TO RAISE PANIC LEVELS
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - CNN announced today the appointment of Ted Vernant as head of its news hysteria division. Last quarter an embarrassed CNN fired its former hysteria head, Ed Forth, after the network suffered low ratings due to lack of fear. The network scored fear numbers in the "slightly anxious" range compared to its FOX rival, which had "absolutely terrified" viewers. Vernant is famous for scaring the local Los Angeles market out of bathing for two days due to a benign soap recall. The new head of hysteria released a statement which read, "I hope to make [viewers] too slippery with sweaty fright to even hold a remote, much less change the channel." Vernant begins work on Monday.


ANGRY BUSH PROPOSES CORPORATE REFORM
WASHINGTON (DPI) - President George W. Bush, upset at recent corporate scandals, is proposing sweeping reforms that could come down harshly on corporations getting caught. "Back in the 80's, nobody was getting front-page coverage for any of these accounting irregularities," said Bush. "I'm making it a goal of this administration to seriously reduce the number of companies discovered doctoring their books." Bush is proposing sweeping changes in how large companies are investigated, incorporating a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy in what SEC and FTC investigators are allowed to search for. - From The Daily Probe.