March 6, 2009

Friday Funnies: Limpballs Edition

"Barack Obama bought a brand new swing set for his daughters, Malia and Sasha. It has a slide and a rope ladder. It's great. It's much nicer than the one George Bush used." --Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new study, people are sleeping less because they're worried about the economy. I think also it might have something to do with the fact they're sleeping under bridges." -- Craig Ferguson

"One in 10 Californians are now unemployed. Unfortunately, Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't one of them." -- Craig Ferguson

"Was it nice outside today or not? Yeah! Sunny. I thought it was a very sunny day. I'm driving to work today and I saw a foreclosure sign with an awning." -- David Letterman

"As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body. I don't want to say Rush is fat but he is a red state." -- David Letterman

But do you know anything about the Dow Jones, ladies and gentlemen? The Dow Jones average went down to 6,000. Do you know what that means? Neither do
I, but it's the first time in 12 years that the Dow has been the same as Rush Limbaugh's cholesterol." -- David Letterman

"By the way, ladies and gentlemen, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party. And I'm thinking, if I see any more of Rush Limbaugh, I'm going to have to send my housekeeper out to buy me painkillers." --David Letterman

"Rush Limbaugh has challenged President Obama to a debate. A White House spokesman said the President has bigger things to worry about. I'm thinking, 'Really? Bigger than Rush Limbaugh?' Have you seen Rush lately?" -- Jay Leno