April 3, 2009

Jon Stewart to Rush Limbaugh: good riddance, gasbag!

Transcript shamelessly borrowed from C&L:


Now for years -- for years -- for years New Yorkers have done everything in our power to get this guy to leave town. We passed laws making it tougher for hot-dog vendors to sell on the streets. We'd hold gay pride parades. There are barely any gay people in the city. We just thought it would make him uncomfortable, so we shipped 'em in!

We've all, as New Yorkers, come together to do this one thing: Get rid of Rush Limbaugh. We knew he was into drugs, so we cleaned up Times Square. Even opened up a Disney story in a place he would normally go to buy drugs. We knew he liked cigars. So we all in New York made an agreement that people who smoke cigars are douchebags.

Fleets! Fleets of Ivy-League-educated cab drivers pretended to be surly Middle Easterners just to annoy Rush Limbaugh. We outlawed murder -- figuring he's the kind of guy who's probably got a taste for it.

The whole reason we've gotta raise taxes in New York City is because of how expensive this whole decades-long charade has been! You know how much it costs to keep Chinatown filled with "Chinese" extras?

I don't even want to talk about it! But you know, now that I know that he's going -- I dunno, man, I feel weird. I feel weird inside. I guess there's one more thing I want to say to him:

If you're heading out from Uptown, take 42nd Street west to Ninth Avenue. make a left, go down four blocks, Lincoln Tunnel's on your right, and you know what? Here's my EZ-Pass. Get the fuck out of here.

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