July 31, 2009

What's the point?

Sorry, boss, I'm not coming in today. The universe is expanding.

I thought it was hysterical when Woody Allen freaked out over this in one of his old movies, but it turns out ol' Woody was a piker. One of the stupidest men on the planet has boldly gone a step further.... into uber-tardness. From the moist darkness of his mom's basement, hopelessly clutching a half-eaten bag of Cheetos, the doughy pantload, jowls aquiver, asks 'why spend money fighting global warming when we’re just gonna get squished by meteors?'

The year is 2109. Celebrations continue as mankind’s heroic, century-long, quintillion-dollar effort to lower the global mean temperature by 1 degree has paid off: July 2109 is just as hot as July 2009. Few can contain their jubilation. But even as the carbon-neutral champagne corks fly, the sky darkens. A projectile of a different kind is coming our way...

So horrendous is the calamity that some even wonder if the enormous investment in fending off climate change might not have been better spent.
Jeebus. And who needs health care? What about if we get attacked by giant beetles?? Has anyone thought of THAT??? Goldbaggery at Whiskey Fire:
Jonah Goldberg citing "science writer Gregg Easterbrook" (I wish I were dead) is not merely to square stupid, nor to cube stupid, but to enter entirely new dimensions of stupid, the quantum-moronoverse, the stupidularity, or something.
Space rocks are coming to kill us! Why isn't anyone doing anything about it!!! This is impo... But, whew, like a bad fart in a windstorm, or a meteor, it passed. The whole we're all gonna die a fiery death!! thing, not the stupidity. Here's today's POS he got paid for at towndump.com -- you can almost picture him typing this, dressed in his Kirk pjs, imaging himself scoring some hot space-babes who don't yet realize he's a stupid fucking no-talent sweatstain with a negligible dick:
In one of my favorite episodes of "Star Trek," Captain Kirk is mistaken for a god by inhabitants of a planet of Native Americans (it's a long story). The illusion works for Kirk until a jealous shaman cuts Kirk's hand, revealing that the divine being is just a man after all. "Behold! A god who bleeds!" the shaman mocks, exposing Kirk as a fraud to the rest of the tribe. It may sound like a stretch -- and, let's be fair, it is -- but I keep thinking of that episode when I look Barack Obama's poll numbers these days....

All presidents go through rough patches, and Obama's no exception. Odds are his poll numbers will get better -- and worse -- in the years to come. All of this is typical.

But this misses a crucial point: Obama isn't supposed to be a typical politician. He was supposed to be The One. He was supposed to change Washington. Transcend race. Fix souls. Bake 12-minute brownies in seven minutes.
I love 7-minute brownies, but no matter. What a fucking moron. 'The Obama presidency is over' because its become obvious he's not A GOD. Hurrrrrrrrrrr. Crucial point my ass. For a human being, President Obama has done pretty goddamn well in starting to put this country back together after the disastrous Bush/Cheney fail-meteor, you idiot.

Next stupid Doughy Pantload column: "Belly-button lint: collectible or curse?"