October 22, 2012

ESA! ESA! ESA! ESA! ESA!

I'm packing for Hawaii as I type!
lololol

   
Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we've
decided we're leaving.

We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the other
Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware that includes California , Hawaii , Oregon ,
Washington , Minnesota , Wisconsin , Michigan , Illinois and the rest of the
Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to
the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America
(E.S.A).

To sum up briefly:
You get Texas , Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd
Akin.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard ( Princeton , Penn, Haverford, Colgate, U of R),. You get
Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America 's venture capital and entrepreneurs.

You get Alabama .

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay
their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian
Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single
moms.

With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the
country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92%
of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America 's quality wines (you can
serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of
the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living
redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools
plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford , Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese
Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US
mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of
all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush
Limbaugh, Bob Jones University , Clemson and the University of Georgia .

We get Hollywood and Yosemite , thank you.

38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a
whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death
penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that
Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you
are people with higher morals then we lefties.

We're taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in
Mexico .

Sincerely,

Citizen of the Enlightened States of America  
 
 
clappa
 
 

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

HEY DUMB FUCK, IT'S THE "RED" PEOPLE IN THOSE STATES THAT OWN THE LAND. TRY IT AND WE WILL DEPORT YOU FROM OUR LAND. NOW GO FORTH AND CONTINUE TO FUCK YOURSELF.

Anonymous said...

Actually Anonymous, this country is being reduced to an absolute shit pit by republicans and bible bashers, so the whole deportation threat won't fly. A lot of people would be ecstatic to get out of the red states (or out of this country) entirely. That's why my sister and brother-in-law left Georgia and moved to Finland with my 3 nieces. The educational system here blows compared to other industrialized, civilized countries, and the attitude towards women and girls in this country (especially in the red states) sucks ass.

Anonymous said...

How Flattering!! One of the neanderthal genetic wonders bothered to respond. Then, when their feelers get hurt they slam out a response post, putting their whole and entire first grade education on full display for all the world wide web readers to see, shame and self awareness being a totally alien concept.
Thank you SO MUCH for posting here. I was racking my brain to try and think of something to post that would explain to our foreign members/friends/guests/readers what was being referred to. You brought that forth in full flyin' colors, you rethuglican piece of half human full neanderthal foul and ancient shit on a spoon dipped in southern fried spew straight from your mama's kitchen's dog food bowl, right under the meth filters and bottled insanity called sulfur-adled swirl cake. Please, PLEASE comment here more so we can all see what it is that we are blogging about, voting against and trying in every way possible to avoid, i.e. SUCCESSION ROCKS!!!
Ignorant asshole from the bowels of hell. You belong on s billboard somewhere in the deep south as an example of why it's all so FUCKED UP down there in what is commonly referred to as "the slave states" or as I like to go back even a little further, Jurassic Jethro Land.
Pukefest. I bet you sport a Bachman/Santorum bumper sticker on that piece of shit sitting on cinder blocks in your mother's driveway as close as possible to your basement bedroom window, in case one of your friends needs a cinder block to prop up a corner of their outhouse. Just guessin, but send the winning check to WTF.
FUCKWAD KNUCKLE DRAGGIN' SLACK JAWED METH HITTIN' SHINE DRINKIN EMBARRASSMENT TO EVERYONE WHO EVER KNEW YOU, INCLUDING AND ESPECIALLY FAMILY AND STRANGERS FROM THE MALL!
Up Your Ass with a Rubber Bash, hellhole lover.
OH!
And Fuck YOU!

Capt. Bat Guano said...

You go baby! Tell that drooling fuckknuckle pig lover where to go. I wish I had written that. Touche sir/madame, touche.

Anonymous said...

Je suis une Madame. Merci Monsieur.
Merci indeed!
siri

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