WTF Is It Now?!?

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A chimp walks into a bar with a can of Crisco...
"President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters, 'Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?'" - Jay Leno

"A Texas man, still drunk from four days of partying, broke into an airplane hangar and stole two planes, flying one into an power line, thus fulfilling his commitment to the Texas Air National Guard." - Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update

"Attorney General John Ashcroft is in intensive care. He's suffering from a severe case of pancreatitis, which they can't really figure out because he's not really a drinker. They think he might have picked up some type of infection while wiping his ass with the Bill of Rights." - Bill Maher

"Have you seen President Bush has already started running his campaign ads, the theme of which, apparently is, 'This Shit Ain't My Fault'?" - Bill Maher

"Political experts say this whole election will come down to a handful of swing voters. You know what a swing voter is? See, that's someone who was against the war but has a job at Halliburton." - Jay Leno

"President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme — 'Safer, Stronger, and Tested.' Isn't that a condom ad?" - Jay Leno

- - via email from MikeD