WTF Is It Now?!?

Mail
I got a nice letter from Chris B:

I tell you what--I stumbled onto your site only about 2 months ago and now I gotta get a fix everyday. It really cracks me up. Viciously funny. Keep it up. What's your background? What do you do?

The details of my life are quite inconsequential.

Very well, where should I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. A sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament.

My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. If I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fifteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved....

Ummmm...sorry. I obviously watch too many movies in between surrepticiously looking out my windows with high-powered binoculars.

I was raised in a cave by republicans, and became an Independent with Democratic leanings after reading The Handmaid's Tale, which scared the bejebus out of me. Summers were spent at the Jersey shore (the part frequented by French-Canadians with impeccable hair and aromatic cigarettes) - other than that, the above is almost right on. Right now I work on a computer most of the day , when I'm not going to soul-destroying meetings. Below is a pic of me that I created for my buds at Chapel Perilous. And thanks for your kind note!