December 31, 2004

Now watch this drive...

Here's how President Bush ended his brief meeting with reporters yesterday at the Crawford Ranch, which began with his statement that he feels really, really bad about the whole tsunami tragedy.

Some eunuch ball licker from the gathered reporters asked Bush if he had any New Year's resolutions. A compassionate man at that point might have said something about resolving to help the countries through this crisis.

A wise man may have said he was going to reach out more to others who are across the political aisle. There's a million things he could have said. Instead, he decided to take a giant shit on the statement of sympathy he had just given: "I'll let you know. Already gave you a hint on one, which is my waistline. I'm trying to set an example."

- From Rude Pundit, thanks to You Will Anyway.

Our compassionate leader.

Lea' me alone! Ah'm on vacashun!
Preznit Play-Doh, too busy romping about on his make-believe ranch, sends his brother Jeb to view the devastation caused by the tsunami.

Huh... you would've thought sending Neil Bush would've made more sense, what with his experience with Asian affairs.

Our caring statesman.

Respect muh authorituh! SpiceGirl unveils her new laser-eyes while Ozzy crouches in fear.

December 30, 2004

Like a jerk I went outside wearing mocs to get something out of the truck, and I went down faster than a godless liberal on a Gays Gone Wild! video. I slipped on some ice on the driveway and fell flat on my back. And the back of my head. I'm going back to lie down some more.

Amount Bush has set aside for his inauguration events: $30-40 Million

Amount Bush has pledged to for the Asian Tsunami relief efforts: $35 Million

Tsunami death toll rockets to 114,000
Preznit Bush told waiting reporters, "I don't know who this Sue Nami is but she will be tracked down and brought to justice just like we did with Osama."

- freemars2258, at the BC Forum.

Ethics are for losers!
Party of Jebus, moral values and integrity to make ethics inquiries harder to begin.

In the wake of back-to-back ethics slaps at sleezoid House majority leader, Tom DeLay, House rethugs are preparing to make it more difficult to initiate ethics investigations and could remove the Republican chairman who presided over the admonishments of the slimy, lying dickhole last fall.

The bf, at the start of N. California's "Summer of Terror."

I need a lot of work.

December 29, 2004

Happy furbags

Berry and SpiceGirl. It's hard work being a cat.

Get that thing away from me
NASA unveils world's largest suppository.

Greatest country on planet shafts its own citizens in wake of horrific disaster
Penniless American tsunami victims refused new passports from US officials until they cough up some money.

Faye Wachs said she was impressed by the efforts of the Thai government and the International Committee for the Red Cross, but "she was appalled at the treatment they got" from the U.S. government.

It took the couple three hours, she said, to find the officials from the American consulate, who were in the VIP lounge.

Because they had lost all their possessions, including their documentation, they had to have new passports issued.

But the U.S. officials demanded payment to take the passport pictures, Helen Wachs said.

The couple had managed to hold on to their ATM card, so they paid for the photos and helped other Americans who did not have any money get their pictures taken and buy food, Helen Wachs said.

"She was really very surprised" that the government did so little to ease their ordeal, she said.


  • Tsunami death toll rises to 76,700, could top 100,000.

    "We will prevail over this destruction," Bush said from his Texas playground in his first comments since the disaster struck on Sunday. The president called on Americans to donate cash to relief organizations, as he also called on corporate and individual donors to contribute as much as $250,000 apiece to his corona record $40 million-plus inauguration-spectacle on January 20th.

  • 29 die in insurgent ambush of Iraq police that used "massive amounts of explosives."

  • Law & Order' s Jerry Orbach has died of prostate cancer at 69.

  • Dems may have finally grown a pair
    GOP asking for it as they set up Senate collision on judges.

    Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., has vowed to "tie the Senate into procedural knots" if kitten kevorkian/douchebag Bill Frist tries to change the filibuster rule.

    Fun fact: the repukes, as always, are talking out their ass over alleged Democratic 'obstruction': The Senate has already confirmed 204 of Bush's nominees. Of the 20 whom the uniter smirking buttwad intends to renominate, seven made it to the Senate floor before they were shitcanned for being extremist kkk/Puritan symps.

    Bush's purge of CIA leadership continues
    Refuse to drink the Kool-Aid® and you're fired: Biased analysis by yes-men more important to the squinting chimp than national security as the head of the Central Intelligence Agency's analytical branch is being forced to step down.

    Bunnypants plays on vacation as stunned world reels
    The grinning idiot was clearing brush, bicycling, and criticizing President Clinton as the rest of the planet called for aid and support for this "humanitarian catastrophe of epic proportions."

    Some foreign policy specialists said Bush's actions and words both communicated a lack of urgency about an event that will loom as large in the collective memories of several countries as the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks do in the United States.

    "When that many human beings die -- at the hands of terrorists or nature -- you've got to show that this matters to you, that you care," said Leslie Gelb, president emeritus of the Council on Foreign Relations.
    Even some administration officials familiar with relief efforts said they were surprised that Bush had not appeared personally to comment on the tsunami tragedy. "It's kind of freaky," a senior career official said. "But then again, look at who we're dealing with here."

    December 28, 2004

    Money for nothing

    Eric Alterman reminds us that "we’re devoting less than half of what Bush is planning to spend on his own inauguration to helping people recover from one of the worst natural disasters in human history."

    - Thanks to Ginger at the Hackenblog.

    59, 000.

    That's 50,000 known dead.

    God, I'm lame.

    Geebers, it's cold.

    Well, we're back. Hope everyone had a good Christmas! Mine was cool - mom had drugged the old man until he was pretty cheerful, the food and company were good, everyone seemed to like their presents, and I got a couple of neat toys, including the Star Wars trilogy, the ROTK extended gift set, and the Millennium first season DVDs.

    I also got Photoshop, and I've been trying most of the morning to get a picture of the Loch Ness monster into the photo I took at Castle Urquart a few years ago.


    December 23, 2004

    Thanks and happy holidays from WTF!
    Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
    Let your heart be light
    From now on our troubles will be out of sight.

    Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
    Make the Yule-tide gay,
    From now on our troubles will be miles away.

    Here we are as in olden days,
    Happy golden days of yore.
    Faithful friends who are dear to us
    Gather near to us once more.

    Through the years
    We all will be together,
    If the Fates allow
    Hang a shining star upon the highest bough!
    And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

    - Ralph Blane and Hugh Martin, 1943.

    In other news

  • "Trust me, buying your kids a SpongeBob Nautical Nonsense DVD in no way erodes their belief in the Shroud of Turin."

  • "Even a display of Filipino dancing prowess by a lively troupe of transvestites - or possibly transsexuals - dressed in miniskirts and wearing plastic fruit on their heads didn't seem to lift the gloom."

  • Rumors on the internets
    Bush may be seriously ill.

    Photos taken of the Chimp during the presidental debates and at his Crawford fleapit show parts of a LifeVest® wearable defibrillator clearly visible underneath his clothes.

    Bush negotiates with himself, Nazgul.

    Fair and balanced
    First annual "Misinformer of the Year" awarded to Fox News gasbag Bill O'Reilly as Jesus continues to weep for him.

    "Our staff analyzed more than 1000 instances of conservative misinformation captured on our website and tallied the number of times members of the media espoused lies, distortions, or mischaracterizations of fact in order to further the conservative agenda" said presenter David Brock, of Media Matters for America. "In the end, Mr. O'Reilly stood out from all the rest."

    Are you sure that had nothing to do with his vibrator?

    "I want my religion back"

    By acting as if they own the franchise on Christianity, and then acting as un-Christlike as possible, many more people are inclined to dismiss my beliefs out of hand. Duh-bya is also giving Christians the image of being morons.

    ‘It’s the stupid, stupid.’”

    Meet the stenographers
    Why George aWol Bush has gotten away with so many #ucking lies.

    Press a bunch of asskissing whores shirks duty to scrutinize official claims, the Duh Institute reports.

    [F]rom the Iraq War to the 2004 presidential race, reporters shirked their journalistic duty to take a critical approach to official and partisan claims - to document them when they are true, and debunk them when they are false. Indeed, many journalists have become little more than stenographers, repeating whatever they are told without question.

    "The next time the administration insists that chocolate is vanilla, much of the media - fearing accusations of liberal bias, trying to create the appearance of "balance" - won't report that the stuff is actually brown; at best they'll report that some Democrats claim that it's brown." - Paul Krugman.

    US now threatening Syria
    US Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage warned Syria that Washington was prepared to impose new sanctions if it failed to clamp down on fugitive Iraqi officials and end its involvement in Lebanon.

    Lebanese deputy foreign minister Nahar al-Hammoud took strong exception to his comments, saying in effect that Armitage was a truculent boob just "talking out his ass."

    Defender of Christmas:
    Jesus would roll over in his grave if he could see how I've been treated!

    Jebus takes time out from his birthday celebrations to weep for Bill O'Reilly, the man who singlehandedly saved Christmas from godless, anal-sex-loving liberals and the SCLM "forces of darkness."


    Iraq base hit by suicide attack, US general says
    "Uh, our 'heavily fortified zones' don't mean dick," says Gen. Obvious.

    Plastic explosives were allegedly used to kill US soldiers in the horrific attack in Mosul. They wouldn't happen to be the same explosives that Bush lost last April, would they?

    Political embarrassment quits
    No, not that one.

    Scandal-plagued repuke/serial quitter and adulterer leaves in disgrace.

    America's Mayor® partner and Bunnypants fantasy figure Bernard Kerik resigned Wednesday from Rudy Giuliani’s consulting firm. He said he would seek other unspecified business opportunities, write a book, spend time with his family, and look for the real killers.

    Fa ra ra ra ra. The few people who had to come in today are partying a couple of cubes down. You know... it's hard to get any work done when nobody else seems to be doing any. Bah.

    Festivus shares space with Florida Nativity scene
    "First, the Airing of the Grievances. Then, the Feats of Strength!"


    The display, a reference to the fake holiday featured on an episode of the television sitcom Seinfeld, did not include the totem of Festivus - a bare aluminum pole instead of a tree. Key rituals of Festivus include accusing others of being a disappointment and wrestling.

    December 22, 2004

    Merry Chr... hey! Get the #uck outta my parking space!
    Christians - most, if not all, with pagan "Chrismas trees" in their living rooms - protest lack of Christ in Chrismas.

    Douchebag's tinfoil hat on too tight

    While Rush Limbaugh tells his listeners that liberals rejoice at US casualties in Iraq, Al Franken is entertaining troops in Afghanistan and Iraq, cheering up wounded from yesterday's dining hall attack in Mosul.

    "Why yes. I AM an asstool."

    Makin' progress

  • Contrack International Inc, a major US reconstruction contractor, has dropped out of the multibillion-dollar effort to rebuild Iraq due to the growing violence and skyrocketing security costs.

  • Sen. Chuck Hagel, R-Neb. and a member of the Foreign Relations Committee, told reporters, "We're in worse trouble in Iraq than we've ever been in [there]." Noting that more than 1,300 Americans have been killed in a war that has cost of billions of dollars, he said, "Now, you tell me whether we're winning or we're losing."

  • I'm filled with Jesus's love, you #ucktard!
    In celebration of the birth of their savior, Christians are turning into litigious asshats.

    Kerik: yeah, I banged her
    America's Mayor® pal and Bunnypants crush Bernard Kerik has admitted in sworn testimony to having hot, steamy sexual relations with a female "corrections" officer while serving as deputy commissioner of the department.

    Jesus loves you
    Almost everyone else thinks you're an asshole

    Bush poised to be the most unpopular president at inauguration, the Duh Institute reports.

    A disgrace to humanity
    "They should have picked a dead soldier in the line of fire; instead they chose one who did not serve."

    After Time responds to 'reader furor' over picking Bush as ignorant, petulant coward person of the year, readers respond back.

    Devastating Mosul carnage isn't gonna ruin Bunnypants' Christmas!
    Bush, following the deadliest attack since the war began (that killed 19 of our troops), says "it's such a hopeful moment in the history of the world" and that the dead soldiers were on a mission of peace.


    Blue ball Christmas
    A "morose-looking" Bill O'Reilly, sans vibrator, mopes around White House Christmas party with the ol' ball and chain in tow.

    Silent night
    Scientists discover massive baby galaxies being born.

    Bush "monkey" portrait projected onto gigantic billboard
    "Bush Monkeys" - the small pic of Smirky McStupid by Chris Savido that shut down the art show last week at NYC's Chelsea Market - will now be seen by thousands of people daily.


    Animal Magazine, the organizer of the show, said anonymous donors had paid for the picture to be posted on a giant digital billboard over the entrance to the Holland Tunnel, used by thousands of commuters traveling between Manhattan and New Jersey.


    Puh. I swear to god, next year I'm going to seriously think about going someplace far far away right before Christmas and not coming back until after New Years'. Between my family waiting until the last minute to tell me what they want, and oh, could we bring dessert and how about making some aspic, and my boss telling me I can't even take a half-day off because he's taking them, I'm ready to bite somebody's #ucking head off and SDTN.