July 6, 2009

Breaking News

The Borowitz Report:

New England Journal of Medicine Reports Mental Health Epidemic Among Republican Governors

A new study published today in the New England Journal of Medicine warns of a "mental health epidemic" afflicting the nation's Republican governors.
According to the study, the symptoms of the epidemic include "bizarre, uncontrollable behaviors" and "grandiose self-ideations," including an impulse to compare oneself to Biblical figures.
The study also says that the mental disorder is manifest in "erratic, incoherent" speech and a syndrome akin to Tourette "in which the patient does not appear to know when to stop talking."
There are other worrisome symptoms, such as "geographical dislocation," in which the afflicted person may think he is hiking in North America when he is actually having sex in South America.
Finally, and most troubling according to the study, the patient "may speak in basketball analogies that have meaning to no one but the speaker."