With us or against us
Bush flip-floptitude: would give "terrorist pariah" Hezbollah a role in governing Lebanon.


***

Memories...
A fond look back at the things we were told 1510 deaths ago (registration UN/PW: blog111).


***

Statesmanship
Thank God the grown-ups are in charge.

Emperor Snippy, still pissed at the Spanish government for being elected, disses their PM.

Bush sent a message of condolences to the Spanish people on the eve of the anniversary of the country's worst terrorist attacks. But Bush sent the message to the Spanish media, apparently bypassing Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero. Bush and Zapatero have not enjoyed the best of relations since the Spanish premier withdrew Spanish troops from Iraq last year a month after being elected in a shock victory on 14 March. Despite a brief meeting in Brussels earlier this month, the two leaders have not spoken since Zapatero became prime minister.

***

Dean slams Bush for sheep-#ucking
DNC chairman Howard Dean: Preznit Pussy's policy of excluding non-republicans from his yes-men strokefests town-hall meetings is “not an American thing to do.”


***

It's good to be the king
VP Dick 'Chicanery' Cheney's "former" company Halliburton does business in Iran despite sanctions.


***

Lebanon to Bunnypants: "and #uck you"
'Lebanon's president, emboldened by a massive pro-Syria demonstration, reinstated Omar Karami as prime minister on Thursday, 10 days after the Damascus-backed leader stepped down under popular and international pressure.'


***

Italian PM to Bush: Jebus, you are so full of shit
Practically calling the misadministration lying d-bags, Italy's Prime Minister and erstwhile Bush soulbuddy Silvio Berlusconi said that the Italian intelligence agent who was shot to death by US troops in Baghdad not only had informed the proper authorities that he was heading to the airport with a freed hostage, but that the troops there were expecting their arrival.

Fun fact: Smirky McLiar has promised the Italian government a "full investigation." Snicker


***

Breaking news
Democracy's on the march!

An explosion has torn through a funeral procession at a Shia mosque in the northern Iraqi city of Mosul causing many casualties, witnesses said. Early reports say at least 19 (CNN is reporting 26) people have been killed in the latest suicide bombing.

"At least they got to vote first!" sobbed a relative of one of the casualties who was blown to kingdom-come.

US troops have cordoned off the area.

***

Well, I'm back at work, but still pretty woozy from the antibiotics and the Vicodamns. It's so cool.



Bam!
Most people just beat their eggs...

A Darwin Award candidate cooking in his kitchen was shot after one of his cats knocked his LOADED 9mm handgun off the kitchen counter onto the floor, discharging the weapon, Michigan State Police said.

***

Transparantude
"One reason there needs to be worry about Iran is that it is a non-transparent society. There's no openness," Bush said before entering a closed-door meeting with various energy companies.
***

Bush announces Iraq exit strategy

"We'll go through Iran."

- from The Onion.


"Is that a gun in yore pocket or is yore little soljer standin' at attention, sargint?"
***

GAO official: there is no crisis in Social Security, assclown
Testifying before the House Ways and Means Committee, the head of the nonpartisan Government Accountability Office also criticized Monkey McMoron for undertaking an aggressive two-month tour to try to sell his nonsensical, deranged plan of scaring the living shit out of seniors and gullible members of the 'Merican public.

'Aggressive two-month tour,' huh? Sounds like it's almost time for another preznenshul vacation.
***

Makin' progress
41 corpses, some beheaded, found in Iraq. But at least they got to vote first.
***

Democracy on the march
Previously gloating republicans are confused, frightened, as 500,000 Lebanese protest the US in Beirut.
***

Oh boy! It's snowing again! {sob...}


Keepin' us safer
The GOP is enabling terrorists to get easy access to assault rifles.
***

No-talent assclown in line to be next ambassador to the United Nations
In attempt to win back world opinion, Bush nominates neocon who originally accused Iraq of hiding WMDs and called for an Iraq invasion to be US ambassador to the UN.
***

"You're not much of a clotter, are you?" - the dentist after my jaw surgery on Friday.

I'm not sure if its the antibiotics or the fact that I seem to be swallowing a half-gallon of my own blood every time that's making me feel so sick, but there you are.

Speaking of puking, rethug senator Chuck Hagel wants to raise the Social Security retirement age.

"We are living longer," Hagel said Sunday. So we might as well work right up to the point of death as possible!

Jerkoff.
***

Herr Goebbals would be so proud...
From Judd L, who writes "It looks like Fox couldn't find a legitimate journalist to spread propaganda about the U.N. oil-for-food program."

Fox boasts about redefining cable news – apparently it's decided to redefine the term "journalist" was well.

Yesterday, Fox posted a 1,500-word "news article" that purportedly "places responsibility squarely in [U.N. chief Kofi Annan's] office for obscuring mismanagement" of the Oil-for-Food program. The piece was co-authored by Claudia Rosett, who is identified at the end of the article only as "a journalist-in-residence with the Foundation for the Defense of Democracies." Sounds harmless enough, right?

Except the Foundation is an "aggressive neoconservative think tank" designed to "shape American thinking on war, terrorism, and the Middle East," according to a gushing piece in American Conservative magazine. And Claudia Rosett is described by prominent conservative columnist Victor Davis Hanson as the "single brave maverick" to take on the oil-for-food scandal, which the right-wing has deceptively shaped into an anti-U.N. smear campaign. Moreover, Rosett's think tank "has been attacking the United Nations since long before corruption in oil-for-food came to light." In May 2003, Foundation President Clifford D. May blamed "the deaths of millions of innocent victims" on "U.N. fecklessness."

A web search showed this is the first such "news piece" written by Rosett for Fox, though she has appeared on several Fox News television programs, including Fox's recent discredited expose, "Breaking Point: U.N. Blood Money: Kofi Annan Under Fire."

***

Feeling a draft

In what could be a troubling sign for the military, the active-duty Army missed its February recruiting goal by more than 27%. It was the first time in almost five years that the Army has failed to meet a monthly target.

"It's just going to be a rough year," a spokesman for the US Army Recruiting Command said.

And in a related story, 1,502.


***

Novakula changes colostomy bag, waves fist at damn kids on lawn, pisses down leg

George W. Bush, who is not prone to confessing mistakes, has confided to close associates that he committed a whopper on Social Security.

He admitted error in pushing for new personal accounts while not stressing the repair of the safety net for seniors. As a result, Republicans returned to Washington this week from the congressional recess deeply shaken by what they encountered back home. Thanks to the orchestrated effort of the AARP and organized labor even in the most Republican districts, GOP lawmakers encountered angry opposition to President Bush's plans at town meetings.

- traitor/douchebag, chronic liar and crank Boob Novak.

Heh.

***

OMFG
Holy SHIT.

Now with working-link goodness.

***

Tiresome gasbag has thumb stuck up own ass
Humorless conservative fossil pronounces Jon Stewart's "America" worst book of the year.


***

Let freedom ring
America: beacon of freedom, democracy and civil rights.

The Department of Homeland Security is experimenting with a controversial new method to keep immigrants from wanting to stay better track of immigrants who are applying to remain in the United States. It is requiring aliens in eight cities to wear electronic monitors 24 hours a day.

The ankle bracelets are the same monitors that some rapists and other convicted criminals have to wear on parole. But the government's pilot project is putting monitors on aliens who have never been accused of a crime.

***

Karma
Cancellation of Moore speech costs college an academic honor.

Leaders of the state university in Fairfax County, Va., under pressure from conservative lawmakers, withdrew a speaking offer to liberal filmmaker Michael Moore, the outspoken director of ''Fahrenheit 9/11." The controversial cancellation of an event scheduled days before the presidential election made headlines nationwide.

The university president, Alan G. Merten, said it was Moore's $35,000 fee that prompted the school to pull out, not opposition to the filmmaker's rhetoric. But Phi Beta Kappa officials apparently were not convinced. The organization, citing concerns about academic freedom, promptly rejected [the university]'s application.

Bwwwaaahahahahaha.


***

Hero/patriot Helen Thomas bitchslaps liar, presstitutes
In his new book, crybaby asshat Ari "the whining pussy Liar" Fleischer criticizes columnist Thomas for doing her job asking him "loaded" questions, the snivelling little #uckwit.

Ms Thomas shot back:

"The questions I asked should have been asked by 10 more reporters in the run-up to war, which proved that everything they said was not true. I'm sure he got mad at me. He had to defend what was indefensible, in my opinion."

Jebus. You go, Helen. It's disgusting that the minute somebody asks a question that isn't a warm fuzzy lube job, the repukes scream bloody murder over "liberal bias."

***

Bunnypants McChickenshit kicks press out of meeting

The blithering squinthead President Bush welcomed the fractious members of the National Governors Association to the White House yesterday morning and spoke for 15 minutes about his plans for the second term. {Wow! A whole 15 minutes! - Ed.}

The press was allowed to watch that. And the White House released a transcript.

But when the time came for the governors to ask Bush some questions, the press was shooed out. And no transcript was made available. That's really too bad. Because in the view of at least one governor, it wasn't pretty.

So much for transparency in government, huh, Chimpy, you #ucking coward.

***

Sign Dems may be growing spine, testicles
House Democrats say they will force a vote in the House Judiciary Committee to put the rethug majority on the record with regards to investigating gay hooker and fake journalist Jeff Gannon, who had access to confidential information including a memo naming CIA operative Valerie Plame.

The resolution requests all documents on how Gannon was personally cleared and repeatedly allowed access to the White House. It also calls for any information the departments have on White House policies about how an applicant would go about getting clearance in general.

Among those supporting the resolution include ranking Judiciary Committee Democrat Rep. John Conyers, ranking Rules Committee Democrat Rep. Louise Slaughter and ranking Government Reform Committee Democrat Henry Waxman. Other Judiciary Democrats are also expected to sign on.

***

I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time*
Queen fails to recognize Brian May.

* quote from Steven Wright.


***

No, really
Bush announces "All Drunks Are Welcome" initiative to religious leaders.


***

Canada: the new 'France'
In what was labeled "a coincidence," Canadian Defence Minister Bill Graham was kept from boarding a plane to the United States because his name was on a US no-fly list.


***

"Hollywood: How Anal-Sex-Loving Jews are Destroying America"

The Center for American Progress sponsored a "Name Ann Coulter's Next Book" contest and released the results yesterday.

The winner: "Roosevelt: Wheelchair-Riding, America-Hating Terrorist," submitted by Ryan Sniatecki, 26, of Baltimore.

Sadly, "My Mother Would've Aborted Me If She Were A Democrat" didn't make the cut.


mAnn and friend entertain the crowd at Jeff Gannon's Washington press party during happier days.
***

Is it snowing in Hell today?
Fox News rips into the WH/Gannongate scandal.

JANE HALL: I just wonder whether a guy whose obviously phrasing left wing questions would've had a press credential for 2 years and was funded by a GOP related group ... It's hard for me to imagine that this could've happened if the bias were on the other foot. So, that is what's partly amusing about it to some people....

JIM PINKERTON: Right, although I think you were unfair calling him 'right-wing' in your intro.

NEIL GABLER: I think you were unfair calling him a 'journalist'.

[Eric Burns & Cal Thomas erupt in chuckles]

JANE HALL: Well, I think he was biased when he called him a 'journalist'....

NEIL GABLER: There are many many journalists - and we know alot of them - who ACT like partisan hacks. This guy WAS a partisan hack. And there's a difference.

CAL THOMAS: I'm not a partisan hack, but I play one on TV. Is that it, right? {Wrong. You ARE a partisan hack, you farking attention whore. Now STFU. - Ed.}

NEIL GABLER: Yes. He worked for a GOP operative. He would not have been credentialed and was NOT credentialed by Congress for precisely that reason. Among other things, they have a rule that if you're a lobbiest for an organization, you can not be credentialed. So, this issue here is that this person should have NEVER been credentialed, was not credentialed by Congress, and we know the ... I know there's some Democrats that disingenously are trying to investigate how he got credentialed. We KNOW how he got credentialed -- the White House wanted him there. They wanted him to ask softball questions and ...

ERIC BURNS: What about the guy Jim mentioned asking hardball questions? They certainly didn't want that, did they, Neil?

NEIL GABLER: Well, then he shouldn't even be there. But the point of the fact is I don't know whether or not he got a daily credential every single day as Guckert did. Every day for ... for years ...

JIM PINKERTON: I agree that Guckert/Gannon getting a pass ... I worked in the White House for 6 years and I can tell you that there's somebody, you know, with a false name is ... but the Secret Service...

NEIL GABLER: On a daily basis.

JIM PINKERTON: [nodding] On a daily basis takes an incredible ammount of intervention from somebody high up in the White House. That I would ...

ERIC BURNS: So it wasn't just that someone overlooked this. It was complicit.

JIM PINKERTON: It was conscious, yes, and some investigation should proceed and we should find that out....

ERIC BURNS: But the point is, Jane, we have a finite amount of space here and there has to be some distinction ...

JANE HALL: There has to be and I talked to a White House press person who was arguing Jim's point - you don't want to restrict free speech - but there's actually a serious question of security for the President. If you have that kind of a lapse and somebody is intervening, that's a serious issue....

NEIL GABLER: Guckert, by the way, thanks among other people Karl Rove for his insistance, encouragement, and guidance. I think that is very, very interesting.

ERIC BURNS: [dryly] Well, he's a polite fellow... {That's what they usually say about serial killers, too. - Ed.}

JIM PINKERTON: That's called brown-nosing your sources...

Bwwwaaaaa!


***

Moral values and the sanctity of life
More like 'kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out.'

"As a former prosecutor, I am convinced that from time to time juries find before them 16- or 17-year-old defendants who understand full well the vicious nature of their murders, and deserve -- after receiving the full panoply of due process -- to be fried, gassed, hanged, shot, injected or otherwise sent promptly to Hell."

- conservative gasbag Tony 'morally' Blankley, on the "betrayal" of the Supreme Court, which just banned the death penalty for minors.


***

Petulant US prez has temper tantrum, disses actual statesman
The grown-ups are back in charge of the White House.

It's been almost a week, but President Poopypants has yet to return Canadian PM Paul Martin's call, in what is being reported as a further display of 'Washington's deep displeasure' over Canada's decision to opt out of the misadministration's spectacularly craptacular ballistic missile defence program.

Fun fact: in a fit of pique, our #uckingly worthless new secretary of state cancelled a visit to Canada also. How very professional.


***

Social Security vote may be headed for crapper
Republicans shocked by the intensity of opposition expressed by their constituents.

Senate Majority Leader/douchebag Bill Frist said yesterday that Bunnypants' scab-picking-like focus on decimating Social Security may have to wait until next year, and might not involve the much-hyped-by-the-WH individual accounts after all.

"In terms of whether it will be a week, a month, six months or a year, as to when we bring something to the floor, it's just too early," Frist babbled, before running away in tears.

'[W]ith polls showing widespread skepticism of Bush's proposal and some Republicans opposed to the approach, GOP leaders signaled yesterday that they may have no choice but to put off action,' the WaComPo reported.


The Senate majority leader, seen here trying to scare the bejesus out of senior citizens.
***

The covers of this book are too far apart*
On Tuesday, the NY Times reviewed former White House Press Secretary Ari "the Liar" Fleischer's new book, Taking It Up the Ass for Chimpboy.

The verdict? “Tedious and tendentious” and a “sorry volume” - "and that was just for starters."


*quote by dead US author/wiseass Ambrose Bierce.
***

Heh
"The White House announced they are looking for a new chef. The candidate must be able to prepare formal dinners, serve meals to the president and make a good choo choo noise." - Conan O'Brien

"Bush is denying reports today that he plans to invade Iran. Oh, we're still going to invade, we just don't have any plans." - Jay Leno

"The president said today the U.S. does not intend to attack Iran but then he said quote 'but you never want a president to say never.' And he said if his position does change he will make that information public in a time-honored appropriate manner -- by leaking it to a gay prostitute." - Bill Maher

(Thanks to MikeD)


***

And dontcha come back no more...
Time to go, Joe.


***

Keepin' us safer
According to "new information" "leaked" by the misadministration, still-at-large 9/11 mastermind Osama bin Laden has asked Iraqi terrorist Al-Zarqawi with help in targeting the US for more attacks.


***

Keeping it in the family
Bush uncle cashed in $450,000 in stock options from his war profiteering company. But it's okay because "he never used his family connections to help the company win contracts."


***

Fake news
It's not just for WH prostitutes who deal in homoerotic porn while bashing gays on shady rethug websites!

The reporter was fake, using a fake name, spoofing alleged fake White House reporter "Jeff Gannon." But the news conference was real serious.

A "correspondent" from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart was outside City Hall yesterday to get some answers from City Council Speaker Gifford Miller.

Wearing a badly groomed hair piece, a fake mustache and an ugly 1970s tie, Rob Corddry waited patiently until after the real reporters had posed their questions to ask one about about Social Security.

Standing awkwardly with his legs far apart as though he were getting ready to sprint, nodding in agreement to every word spoken by Miller about the West Side Stadium, Corddry finally raised his hand.

"Mr. Speaker, Mr. Speaker," he shouted, as if in a White House news conference, identifying himself as "Dino Ironbody."

His question: "How do you feel about the president's awesome plan to privatize Social Security?"

LOL.


***

A brief interlude...


W: "Hey Pootie-Poot, why do you hate freedom?"
P (in Russian): "You miserable pissant. Go tell Condi to change your diapers, you monkey-brained idiot."
W: "You shur got purty eyes..."

***

If the fu shits...
Heh -

When George Bush sat down with Vladimir Putin in Bratislava last week to deliver his long-awaited lecture on civil liberties and freedom of the press, Newsweek says Putin shot back with an attack of his own: "We didn't criticize you when you fired those reporters at CBS."

Bush was apparently slack-jawed, and senior White House aides were angry. "Putin thought we'd fired Dan Rather," one administration official told Time. "It was like something out of '1984.'"

Newsweek, rising to the defense of freedom of the press in these United States, says it’s "all too clear" that Putin sees the relationship between Bush and the American media as being “just like his own.” Presumably, that means that Putin thinks Bush controls the US media in the same way that he controls the Russian media. We can’t imagine where he got that idea.

-- Tim Grieve, in Salon.


***

Crime does pay
If you're a member of the Bush Crime Family...

Paul Wolfowitz, who misunderestimated the cost of the Iraq war by about $300 billion, is the leading candidate to run the World Bank.


***

Papers pull 'Boondocks' for referring to Bush's [documented] drug use
#ucking pussies.

At least three of the approximately 300 "Boondocks" clients dropped today's strip mentioning [Tooty McCokespoon]'s alleged former drug use.

Aaron McGruder's comic showed one character saying: "Bush got recorded admitting that he smoked weed." Another character replies: "Maybe he smoked it to take the edge off the coke."

"Alleged"? He admitted it, for crying out loud!
/sound of head thunking on desk

Happy thoughts... happy thoughts...

***

Integritude
How blogtopia handed the mainstream media its own greasy, inflamed ass.

The Gannon affair began in late January after the faux news reporter, who had drawn little notice, suddenly asked a too-puffy-to-ignore question at one of President Bush's rare press conferences. The fact that this strange fellow was not only in the room, but got called on, set tongues wagging.

"Why can't the mainstream media get to the bottom of these scandals like the blogs sometimes do?"

- Greg Mitchell, editor of E and P.

Oh for... Ummmm, my bet is they CAN, Mr Mitchell. They just choose NOT to. Because they're cravenly sucking the Bush WH c*ck. And please don't tell me the big media organizations "don't have the personnel" to do the same digging the "pajamadeen" were doing, for crissakes. That's just insulting. Snap out of it.


"Yes, a question, Mr President? What makes you so goshdarn awesome?"
***

Ten or so inches of snow = 50 bucks to our snowplow guy = 2-hour delayed opening at work!

Thanks so much to everyone who emailed me! I'm sorry if anyone's mail bounced - we got so much porn spam the inbox clogged. I spent hours last night trying to clear the crappola out of there, and I'm still not finished. Plus we have Earthlink, which sucks wet monkey ass in that you only get so much inbox space, unless you're willing to fork over for more. I may change the addy to my Yahoo account later. I also got some mail written in some strange font - Greek? Finnish? Klingon? I'm going to try to decipher it later today.



Going nooculer
Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Arlen Specter (R-Cranky) and Sen. John McCain (R-Anklegrabbingpussy) warned their freedom-hating rethug colleagues that using the "nuclear option" to ban filibustering "would be disastrous for America."

Meanwhile, Sen. Joe Biden (D-Schizo) is again suffering from the dreaded Liebermania.


***