I've been playing Insaniquarium - I'm up to two new permanent additions: Itchy the swordfish and Vert the skeleton. Haven't figured out the Carnivore fish yet - I bought one and it died. WTF do they eat???! Help!!

In Other News:

Homeland Security Assigns Color-Coding to Priests

Surgeons Discover Human Heart Inside Jesse Helms

Giggles Hamper CompUSA Re-stock Order for Mouse Balls

Hamas Claims Responsibility for Bombs in UPN's Primetime Schedule

Prison Welcome Wagon Brings Robert Blake a Cock-O'-Two

The party of honor and integrity strikes (out) again!

Bronx state Sen. Guy Velella has been indicted on bribery charges by the Manhattan District Attorney's Office and could be arrested as soon as tomorrow, The Post has learned.

Velella, the Bronx County Republican chairman and one of the most powerful GOP leaders in the state Legislature, had been named in a sealed indictment just handed down by a Manhattan grand jury, a knowledgeable source said. The source said details of Velella's surrender on corruption charges to the DA's office would be worked out today.

Two other sources, including an official of Gov. Pataki's administration, said Velella had privately confided his indictment to friends in recent days. "He told me an indictment is imminent," said a well-known figure at the Capitol.

Wonder how this is gonna be blamed on one of the Clintons!

Alternate-reality nooze site SWEARS the Big Dog met with Saudi Royals after their Disappointing, Pointless Meeting with Preznit Poopypants

After meeting with former president Poppy Bush Friday afternoon at his Texas presidential library, senior members of the Saudi royal family met separately with ex-President Bill Clinton till 4 o'clock Saturday morning, a former senior Clinton official revealed Sunday.

After broadcasting a taped interview with Saudi foreign minister Prince Saud Al-Faisal on ABC's "This Week," Clinton aide-turned-commentator George Stephanopoulos discussed the late-night summit. "You notice that the prince was a bit hoarse in our interview," Stepanopoulos told fellow "This Week" panelist Sam Donaldson. "That may be because the night before our interview he was up until 4 a.m. in meetings with former President Clinton, whom he calls a close friend."

Though published reports indicate that Clinton was in Houston Friday for a fund raiser, details of his sit-down with Abdullah and Al-Faisal, or even the fact that it took place, have gone unreported by other news organizations.

In contrast, Abdullah's meeting with Bush Sr. hours before was widely reported, with most observers acknowledging that the ex-president was acting in an advisory role to his son, the Impotent Ignoramus, who hosted Abdullah and his entourage at Bunnypants Bunker on Thursday and did such a spectacularly crappy job of it.

White House and Clinton spokesmen have kept the extraordinary Clinton-Abdullah meeting shrouded in secrecy, with even local Texas media unaware it took place. When asked whether the Clueless Cornpone administration had been informed in advance of the Clinton-Saudi sit-down, the White House press office referred NewsMax.com's inquiry to the National Security Council press office, which it said was handling questions about the encounter.

What is that smell?!

Reminder: Today is May Eve, also called Beltane. The spring festival when witches and spirits are abroad, it's the midpoint between Spring Equinox and Summer Solstice. As the sun sets, Walpurgisnacht begins with the ceremonial cutting of the May bush, then setting the f*cker on fire. Pagans are so cool.




Kenny-boy's family opens shop

Linda Lay, the wife of Enron's former chief executive, is opening an antique and secondhand shop called Jus' Stuff -- and will sell items including the family's personal property and furniture from its rental property, said Kelly Kimberly, a Lay family spokeswoman.

Lay and her daughter, Robin, also will sell items belonging to family and acquaintances, along with some new merchandise and design services. A lamp fashioned from antique street lights, a mahogany bed, an antique reproduction desk, artwork and a bright yellow pair of metal fighting cocks are among the wares to be up for sale when the store opens in early May.

"She's worked all her life," Kimberly said of Lay. Yeah, it's awwwwwwfully hard work being the trophy wife of a billionaire crook.

Molly Ivins: 'But he's our wacko'

"Sometimes I forget how truly simpleminded the Bushies can be. The front-page of The New York Times reports, "The Bush administration seems to accept and even relish [Attorney General] Ashcroft's role as lightning rod on difficult criminal justice issues."

"Since the attorney general has so amply demonstrated his clueless incompetence, it may seem difficult to plumb why it should be so. But it is precisely, you see, because liberals consider John Ashcroft a dangerous nincompoop that the administration thinks he's doing a good job. They really are that simple."

Last night on Crossfire:

Paul Begala: Did you see when pResident Bush went to South Korea, and the South Koreans -- these are the free Koreans who believe in democracy the way we do -- stood in the streets to boo him. So low is his esteem, so incompetent has his handling been of the Korean tension between North and South Korea that the free Koreans, our allies in the south, stood in the streets to boo him. So if you ask the South Koreans, they would certainly want Clinton to come back.

Boob Novak:: Probably a bunch of stooges that you and Carville set up there.

Top Arab psychiatrist: 'Bush is stupid'. Well, duh!

Referring to the Moron of Midland, Dr. Adel Sadeq said: "Although you invest a lot of effort in proving yourself, you are not successful in doing so because you are stupid and understand nothing about what is happening in the world. 'Stupidity' and 'idiocy' are synonyms, and if you don't like the word 'stupid,' you are an evil person with an ugly soul.

"I equate your stupidity with mercilessness and inhumanity, and swear that I knew you were stupid long before it became known to the entire world, and before your cronies admitted it.

"Your stupidity is reflected in your facial features. {snip} I don't imagine, stupid, that you understood anything from my article, as your advisors hide things and thoughts of this kind from you so you will go on thinking you are smart. This means that class isn't over yet, you stupid idiot, you basest man in the world."

9-11 Investigator Leaves Position - to spend more time with his family?

The head of the congressional investigation into the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks has quit after little more than two months on the job.

The circumstances surrounding the departure of L. Britt Snider, a former inspector general at the CIA, were unclear Monday, although officials familiar with the situation said it revolved around a dispute over a personnel decision. Nor is it clear how Snider's departure will affect the investigation, which was expected to conduct hearings as early as next month.

The investigation, being conducted jointly by the House and Senate Intelligence committees, is looking into why the CIA and other agencies failed to detect the Sept. 11 terrorist plot that left 3,000 dead.

Spokesmen for leaders of the Senate Intelligence Committee, Sens. Bob Graham, D-Fla., and Richard Shelby, R-Ala., confirmed Snider's departure but declined further comment, calling it a "personnel matter."

In February, Graham, Shelby and leaders of the House Intelligence Committee announced Snider's appointment with some fanfare, praising him as an objective investigator. But some critics suggested Snider's long working relationship with CIA Director George J. Tenet meant the investigation would amount to a whitewash.

Hmmmmmm....what is that smell??

Der Fraudulent Fuhrer Still Chickening Out over Ridge's (Non-)Appearance at Important Senate Hearings

Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge is not expected to attend a series of homeland security hearings in the Senate starting this week, pissing off lawmakers weighing homeland security legislation. The Cowardly Cretin of Crawford administration's reluctance to produce Ridge has annoyed the hell out of both Democrats and Senate repukes. "How the holy f*ck are we supposed to get anything done here if the a$$hole in charge won't even show up?" groused one. "Both he and Napoleon Bonehead have a lot to answer to. Shit."

Powerful Appropriations Committee Chairman Robert Byrd (D-Big steel ones), said that without Ridge, the Senate would have to patch together piecemeal testimony from other members of the Chokin' Chicken administration.

"Because the White House continues to oppose Director Ridge's testimony, the American people will only hear pieces of a plan to address homeland security," Byrd said. "The one person with an understanding of all of the Administration's priorities will be absent."

Other key members of the Yellow Puddle of Texas's team are expected to show for the Appropriations Committee hearings beginning Tuesday, including Secretary of State Colin Powell, Attorney General John Ashcroft, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson and others.

Ridge's office did not return calls seeking comment. Buk buk buk buk buk! Our homeland security reichsmarshall is too f-ing chicken to come out of his secret fort and explain just what the hell he does. Unbelievable.

"Cruel and Unusual" - great column by David Podvin:

..."The new look Crossfire is bad news for the right wing, and they know it. They are well aware that they can’t compete on the issues. They know that, despite running a lousy campaign, refusing to take credit for the best economy ever, being outspent two to one, and having the greedy corporate media openly campaign for his opponent, Gore still won the election. If liberals ever stop cringing and start emulating what they see on Crossfire, then conservative politicians will soon be on the endangered species list that they so despise....

"It’s not that Novak and Carlson aren’t doing their best, but it’s just harder to make a case when the truth is against you…unless your opponents are doormats. The conservatives gamely try to defend their fact-free positions with the lies and ad hominem tantrums that work so well against other liberals. Unfortunately for these right wingers, Carville and Begala actually believe in the liberal philosophy, and are therefore too busy advocating the truth to notice they are receiving the traditional cue to capitulate. Inevitably, Novak and Carlson become overwhelmed by reality, helpless to do anything except shriek about the incivility of it all. There’s a distant déjà vu to the show, because you’ve seen it all before on Saturday Night Live: It’s The Hand versus Mr. Bill."

Get your Viking name!

Gorm says: "A beloved child has many names." The problem with modern names, though, is that, no matter how many you have, they don't tell people enough about you.

Back in the days of Gorm's great-great Grandfather, Gorm the Old, a person's name actually described the person. For example, Old Gorm's son, who never flossed, was named Harald Bluetooth. Gorm believes you should be able to benefit from an equally descriptive moniker.

Ready to learn your Viking name? Click here. I'm Maru the Berserk, in case you couldn't guess.

Happy friggin' Monday.

It galls me how the whore media is trumpeting the Israeli two-step as a 'victory' for Drinky McDumbass, who has done absolutely nothing but dither, carp, blather, waffle, and delegate. Poor Colin Powell must be steaming, but that's what he gets for trying to prop up that miserable incompetant nincompoop. Fun Fact: Israeli forces poured back into Hebron in the West Bank early this morning. So where's your god now, whore media?

**THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED, BUT DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH.**



Quotes!

"With their towel-snapping, frat-boy-style gloating over the coup in Venezuela, the media made it clear why they regarded counting the votes in Florida in Election 2000 to be superfluous." - Charles Utwater II, in "the Culture of Lies", at AmPol - a great read.

[Crusader Bunnypants] "has joined Mr. Ashcroft in pumping up the volume of his preening sanctimony, referring to the Almighty so frequently that He is becoming his de facto running mate for 2004." - the always pithy Frank Rich in "Religion for Dummies" at the NY Times.

"[Arafat] hasn't earned my respect yet. He must earn my respect by leading," - the Simpering Nincompoop, in another remarkable display of cluelessness and vapidity.




North Korean Leader Kim Jong-il Invites Twice-Elected, Legitimate President Clinton to 'Cool the Rhetoric' from Warmonger Bunnypants

"North Korean leader Kim Jong-il has invited former U.S. President Bill Clinton to visit Pyongyang to play a mediating role and to cool the rhetoric from Washington, a North Korean official said on Monday. The official, speaking on condition of anonymity, declined to specify whether the reclusive Kim had issued the invitation to Clinton before or after President [sic] George W. Bush's speech in January in which he branded North Korea part of an 'axis of evil' along with Iraq and Iran. 'The plan of the Dear Leader Kim Jong-il is that Mr. Clinton should end the rhetoric,' the official said." What a sorry commentary on Bu$h's failure in foreign policy! - thanks to democrats.com!




On this date:

1429 A true leader, Joan of Arc, entered the besieged city of Orleans to lead a victory over the English.

1992 deadly rioting erupted in LA after a jury in Simi Valley, Calif., acquitted four Los Angeles police officers of almost all state charges in the videotaped beating of Rodney King. 10 years later Daddy's Little Doofus celebrates the anniversary by threatening an expanded role for religious groups in government social programs, and opening an unprecedented two-day fund-raising swing for a California candidate the White House once opposed. The Connecticut Clodhopper is also stopping en route in New Mexico to raise money for Sen. Pete Domenici and Rep. Heather Wilson.

Does this bozo ever do any real work??


Word of the Day: Bane - Speeches were the bane of Squinty the Pinhead's existence; he hated having to stand up in front of a crowd - even a fawning audience of brownnosed, bootlicking whore media.


In Other News:

Vatican: Church Announces Tough Policy on Pedophilia
Will take effect "some time next summer."

U.S. Negotiator Exits Early From Arms Reduction Talks with Russia
Wants to spend more time with his family.

French astronaut ignores space tourist

Global Population Growth Slowing For First Time in History
Experts cite birth control, proliferation of sports channels.

TV: Springer to Start "Jerry's Book Club"
Each month's selection will be used by guests to hit each other.

Trains running on time in France

CORRECTION: Last week we erroneously stated that the EPA had enacted new rules protecting the environment from coal mining companies. In fact, the new rules protect the coal mining companies from environmentalists. We apologize for the confusion.

Mr Politics Weighs In on 2004 Election: Lots of speculation about who the Dems will put up against Dubya in '04. One bit of Beltway blather goes this way: Gore drops out after the straw polls, a Draft Hillary movement fizzles, leaving a compromise ticket of Tom Daschle and Magic Johnson. Another scenario has Bob Kerrey and John Kerry running together as a homonym honeymoon. My personal favorite is an all-Kennedy ticket of rotating Kennedy family members (except Schwarzenegger, a Republican, and the Skakel kid).

All this hinges on whether we go back to holding democratic elections. Don't forget to vote, if it's legal in your area.



Repukes could face major losses, run on Kaopectate this fall

Party leaders are worrying that the Party of Enron, War and Destruction's eight-year domination of governorships could end this fall, and they fear such a turn would carry serious consequences for other repukes in November and maybe even - gasp! hinder the Warmongering Wonderchimp's re-election drive in 2004. Please, God.

Many repugs are even predicting that considerable losses for the party in November are inevitable, particularly in the Midwest, which for nearly a decade has been a stronghold for rightwing neonazis.

Of the 36 governor's offices at stake this year, 23, or nearly two-thirds, are held by the Graft/Oil/Pedophilia party. Officials concede that they could lose governorships in Michigan, Illinois and in Wisconsin. Polls show that repuds also face daunting battles in Pennsylvania, Tennessee, New Mexico, Arizona, Kansas and Rhode Island - all states with repuke governors. Boo-fucking-hoo. Dickheads.




A pissed-off Aaron Brown declares in a memo to bosses last week: "I am the face of CNN!"

The once-respected nooze channel slips further into degradation, infamy.

Brown had a hissy after news directors forced him to air "breaking news" of the Robert Blake arrest - coverage Brown labeled overplayed.

"There is news to report on the Middle East. There's been an awful train derailment in Florida, but the Blake case is breaking...," Brown told viewers in frustrated tones. "The program we planned, which deals with a number of important environmental issues, is going to wait for another day."

A behind-the-screens struggle between Brown and management centers on control over news coverage, sources familiar with the situation reveal, and a high level meeting over the deepening Brown resentment was convened last week at CNN. Well, nanny/dominatrix Karen "Uncle Miltie" Hughes is looking for a new job...



Friday Night on Crossfire

Paul Begala: [bush] said something that I thought was staggering. He did not say we have a strategic relationship with the Saudis, which we do. He did not say we have a complicated relationship with the Saudis, which we do. He said, and I quote, "we share a vision." Now, I'm wondering, is that the vision of no democracies, no free election, no free speech, no women's rights? That may be Bush's agenda and his vision, I don't know. What in the world do you suppose he means when he says we share a vision with the Saudis?

Jim Zogby the president of the Arab American Institute: Well, I can't account for the guy who spoke to "The New York Times" and I have trouble accounting for what George Bush says, too, but that's another story.

Paul Begala: I can solve the Middle East in two words, "replace Bush." Then we'd be on a path to peace, believe me.

Repuke consultant Charles Black: Well, why is it then that the elected Democratic leaders of Congress are essentially in agreement with the president? They clearly support in the war on terrorism. And they basically support the same approach to the Middle East as he does.

Paul Begala: They certainly don't support him on fiscal policy. In today's deficit numbers of "The New York Times" report and all the other media reported today, that the federal budget deficit under Bush, his first budget, is going to come in $140 billion in the red. Bad news for your party, bad news for our country. But particularly, this guy inherited the greatest surplus in history, made it into deficit. I thought he'd be good at inheriting things, given that he's a Bush, but he couldn't even pull that off.

Sigh....yes, Tucker, you ignorant slut, Bill Clinton met Michael Jackson. And Squinty McPretzal was reeeeeeeal good friends with Kenny-Boy Lay, the murderers from the USS Greeneville, liar/pornographer Clarence Thomas, and God only knows who else.

"It was showtime at the Apollo last night, but Bill Clinton left his saxophone home. Still, he brought the house down by introducing Michael Jackson, who performed three songs that had the crowd at the star-studded Democratic National Committee fund-raiser snapping their fingers. Jackson's gig ended with wild applause and a shower of blue, purple and gold confetti that covered the audience of 1,400 in the packed Harlem landmark. Among others who performed were Tony Bennett, k.d. lang, Reuben Blades and the Harlem Boys Choir. But the sweetest sounds might have been those from the cash register. Organizers said "A Night at the Apollo" raised an estimated $2.7 million for voter education and registration drives aimed particularly at minorities. Rep. Charles Rangel (D-Harlem) drew cheers when he hailed Clinton as "the last elected president of the U.S." and said, "It is our job to say we're not getting over Florida."
So reports the NY Daily News. - (thanks to democrats.com).

From the Yahoo Message Boards:

"The gubmit spent the day proclaiming more wonderful economic news for all today, with GDP up some 5.8 percent! Yay, America! Look, we're doing wonderful things for you!

"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Tax collections are off $102 billion from last year, some $50 billion of that due to the tax cut, according to G. William Hoagland, GOP staff director of the Senate Budget Committee....so far...thereby DOUBLING the current $46 billion deficit numbers.

"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. The majority of GDP growth came in the DEFENSE SECTOR, with spending at its highest levels since 1967. Hmm. That date...

"New business investment is drastically off...big business is holding on to its money out of caution, NOT reinvesting it, shooting a hole in the theory that this tax cut would generate more jobs and production, blah blah blah.

"Dow STILL falls today despite all Bush's "projections" because the professional investors know better than to believe GW's crapola. " - a_liberal_without_pants

Twice-Elected, Indisputable, Bona Fide President Stands up for Powell

Former President Bill Clinton urged support for Secretary of State Colin Powell 's peacekeeping efforts in the Middle East during an appearance Saturday night.

"I think some of the negative publicity about Colin Powell's trip has been wrong," Clinton told reporters at a fund-raiser for Hispanic college students attended by about 400 people.

The Squinting Squatter was hiding under his bunkbed and could not be reached for comment.


Drinky McDumbass regales whore media
with story of wild turkey chase with some
Arab guy over a bottle of Wild Turkey.

CBS Investigates Whether US Was Warned About Terrorist Attacks!!

CBS investigates very serious questions about what our government knew about planned terrorist attacks against America... including 9/11 and Oklahoma City. As far back as seven years ago, federal authorities may have been told terrorists were already in this country taking flying lessons and picking their targets. Sources say the evidence was overwhelming and the U.S. was clearly and repeatedly warned.

CBS 11 Special Correspondent Steve Narisi traveled to the Philippines where the questions were first raised and perhaps even answered.

"My reaction was that they had done this and they have succeeded. Those were my words. They have done this and succeeded." That was the reaction of the Philippine police to September 11th. That's because seven years earlier, they uncovered a polot where Arab terrorists were already taking flying lessons... a plot that would fly a plane into a U.S. landmark. A plot turned over to U.S. authorities seven years earlier.

(snip) In 1995, the investigation was handed over to U.S. authorities. The evidence provided helped convict Abdul Murad and Ramzi Youssef of conspiracy to bomb U.S. airliners. Later Youssef was also convicted for his role in the first World Trade Center bombing. As for the plan to crash a plane into an American landmark, Philippine police are uncertain how their American counterparts handled their warnings.

CBS 11 contacted the FBI. A spokesman stated that "The Bureau, prior to September 11th, possessed no information about crashing a jet into buildings."
The terrorist cell in the Philippines was operating in the early 1990's, the very same time Timothy Mcveigh and Terry Nichols were plotting to blow up the Murrah Building in Oklahoma City. Nichols was a frequent visitor to the Philippines and some people allege that that's where he learned to build the bomb that killed 168 people.
Reporter Steve Narisi will have that story Friday night.

Fun stuff - Have you ever wanted to come up with a great evil plan, but just never had the time or intelligence? Well your prayers have been answered, because now with the Evil Plan Generator, you can come up with any number of plans in no time at all to wreak havoc upon the world!

"Next, you will seize control of the White House. This will cause countless hordes of hired goons to flock to you, begging to do your every bidding. Your name will become synonymous with fear, as lesser men whisper your name in terror...." Cool!

Stephanie Salter kicks butt:

"Of all the journalism jobs I'm glad I don't have, covering the "story" of captured al Qaeda leader Abu Zubaydah ranks high on the list. Maybe I've seen too many episodes of "The Agency," CBS's hokey but fun series about the CIA. Maybe I'm bothered by that fishy smell coming from the still unsolved anthrax mystery. Or maybe I'm just saturated with an accumulation of mendacity and doublespeak that the Bush folks began to seep during the hijacked presidential election in Florida and that they now spew daily from the White House.

"All I know is, when anyone from the administration -- be it a rare on-the- record source or the ubiquitous "government official" -- speaks about Abu Zubaydah, I don't buy a single word.

"So why, given who Zubaydah is -- al Qaeda's chief of operations and a sworn enemy of the United States -- is the Bush administration so eager to leak his every utterance? And to the hated U.S. news media, no less? It couldn't possibly be to stir up confusion and insecurity, could it? To keep much of America where it's been since the horrors of Sept. 11: scared and buying anything the White House sells?"

Why does she hate Amurka so much? Doesn't she know there's elections coming up soon??

Did Bill Clinton meet with Saudi Crown Prince this Week?

From an alternate-reality noozesite comes this:

Clinton Gets Mideast Role, Meets with Crown Prince Abdullah

Saudi Foreign Minister Prince Saud Al-Faisal revealed Saturday night that president Bill Clinton met with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah in Texas on Friday, in an apparent reversal of previous bush administration statements suggesting that Clinton would play no role in the current Mideast crisis.

Al-Faisal confirmed the Clinton-Abdullah meeting during this exchange with Faux Nooze Channel's Rita Cosby:

COSBY: In the last few days I understand that you and your team have met with some former presidents down there in Texas. Bush senior, the father of the current "president". And also former president Bill Clinton.

AL-FAISAL: Indeed. Indeed.

COSBY: Tell me about those meetings and what role are they playing.

AL-FAISAL: Well, they're both great friends of the crown prince. He was very happy to meet with them. He was very happy to reminisce with them on the times when they worked together. And they had good long discussions - both extending (to) perhaps three hours of talks. They talked about, of course, serious talk - the situation in the Middle East.

COSBY: Are they playing an advisory role - or any sort of advisory role?

AL-FAISAL: Well, no - we don't know about that, that they are playing an advisory role for the government of the United States. But, as for the talks, it was an exchange of views between old friends and that was it.

From Washington Whispers:

So much for the united repukelican front against CNN's famously partisan (?? how so?? - the Mgmt) shoutfest, Crossfire. El Dorque administration officials say Hill repugs should stop whining about the show's two Democratic loudmouths, Paul Begala and James Carville, and get into battle. 'We're looking like a bunch of wimps with all this stuff about refusing to go on Crossfire,' says one bush aide. The White House scenario: Put folks on who can conduct mouth-to-mouth warfare, like Carville's wife, Mary Matalin.

The White House is getting increasingly peeved with Senate Republicans who vote against Preznit Poopypants. It's those darn independent-minded New Englanders – Rhode Island's Lincoln Chafee, New Hampshire's Bob Smith, and Maine's Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins – who really draw the ire of the White House and its backers. The latest example: After they helped kill bush's plan to drill for oil and gas in Alaska, Sen. Ted Stevens, Alaska's senior senator and the top Republican on the Appropriations Committee, pledged to ax their pork projects, like the additional Aegis cruiser sought by Maine's Bath Iron Works.

Hey! The new poll's up (see right border)! Remember: vote early, and often.

A big thank you to the folks who sent in the nice comments yesterday!

The Juliefest folks are reporting in! Check out the BC Forum!
Meanwhile, some bushmoonie's truck got towed during the DC rally and is still missing - LOL.

Crusader Bunnypants says "f*ck awla ya, we're goin' in...poppy's gettin' tireda waitin'"

The Warmongering Wonderchimp is plotting a potential major air campaign and ground invasion early next year to topple the Iraqi government of President Saddam Hussein, The New York Times is reporting today. The use of 70,000 to 250,000 troops is being considered.

The Times reported the timing of early next year delay resulted from a need "to create the right military, economic and diplomatic conditions. These include avoiding summer combat in bulky chemical suits, preparing for a global oil price shock, and waiting until there is progress toward ending the Israeli-Palestinian conflict." One European military expert who recently visited Washington could not envision a solution until he was told by U.S. sources that airborne troops would seize the Iraqi oil fields.

Meanwhile, Arab nations are signalling their support for Iraq. Enjoy your SUVs while you still can!

Yay! It's raining!! We're under a drought emergency here, sort of like a "Terra 'lert - Red!", so the rain is a beautiful thing. Plus it'll give me a good excuse not to go out and clean up the rest of the flowerbeds.


Morning Quote:
[E]ver since Attorney General John Ashcroft informed me that worrying about cancellation of the Constitution was the same thing as aiding terrorists, it has been clear to me that I mustn't think what I think. I need to be instructed what to think by people who think the way he does. This is the same attorney general who spent $8,000 to cover up a statue and who is said to believe calico cats are a sign of the devil, but I am not allowed to conclude that the attorney general is something of a nincompoop because that would aid terrorists. - Molly Ivins.




and the stewardesses should all be dark-eyed virgins with huge tatas...

Aides to Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah asked that only male air traffic controllers guide his flights during his visit in Texas, airport officials said. Ruben Gonzalez, a manager for the company that operates the control tower at the Waco airport, said a group of Saudis made the request to the airport manager. He said two male controllers guided the prince's afternoon flight to Houston, though a female tower manager was on the premises.

The Dallas Morning news reported Saturday that a Federal Aviation Administration employee, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the Saudis' request was granted on portions of the prince's flights.

Cowardly Bunnypants orders Powell to Phone Israeli Prime Minister

An impatient Drinky McDumbass told Israel - through a second party - to halt its incursions into Palestinian areas "now", as UN Secretary General Kofi Annan delayed the arrival of a UN fact-finding mission to the refugee camp in Janin for one day. And he means it!

"(The) Israelis understand my position. I've been very clear and there has been some progress, but it's now time to quit it altogether; it's time to end this," the Moron of Midland blatted, making his second such appeal in two days.

The comments came one day after the Impotent Ignoramus's talks with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah, in which the two leaders discussed the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, its implications for US relations with Arab countries, the wild turkey at Bunnypants Bunker, and Squinty McPinhead's new Spiderman pajamas.

As if to flip Laura's Little Loser the bird, Israeli soldiers re-entered the West Bank town of Qalqiliya and, separately, fired on Palestinian protesters near Yasser Arafat's headquarters in Ramallah.

Better late than never, eh, Chimpboy?

It's no fun coming under fire from the conservative Right - just ask GW Bush's 15-year-old pregnant girlfriend.

Last week the abstinence movement emerged as a key plank of El Dorque's reform of American welfare policy.

As Buckeroo Bonehead extolled the virtues of abstinence as a protection against sexually transmitted disease and teenage pregnancy, congressional hearings opened on government plans to spend millions of dollars promoting the 'no sex is safe sex' campaign. In a speech in South Dakota last Wednesday, the Yellow Puddle of Texas reiterated an election promise to spend as much on programs that teach abstinence until marriage as on medical services that provide contraceptives to teenagers.

'Abstinence is the surest way, and the only completely effective way to prevent unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted disease', smirked Daddy's Little Doofus. 'An' ah sure as shootin' oughta know about that!'

New Poll will be coming up soon - watch the right-hand border!

Results of last poll:
57% cringed whenever they heard the word 'Doctrine'.
'Cardinal', 'Terra', and ' Nooculer' were all tied at 14%.

Thanks to all who voted!

Stuff:
Went morel hunting today: they're starting to come up! Only two so far, but it's still early for them.
The lilacs are blooming.
The mysterious tree in the front yard with the white flowers has blossomed.
The oxalis is flowering.
Baby grackles at the bird feeder, making interesting noises.
Two red-tailed hawks flying around, scaring the rest of the birds.
The little stray cat is looking very pregnant.
Started cleome and pink four-o-clock seeds.
Three of the sweet peas are up.

Finally, the weekend. After a week of damp weather, cold and frost, it looks like it may shape up to be a nice day today. Which means.....yard work!!! Gah!!!!!!!!! I was told to get my ass out there and weed the flowerbeds in the front yard, rake the oak leaves out, make them look nice for the neighbors. I guess mounting my deer skull there as a centerpiece would be a no-no.



But first, more coffee.

Just seen on the drudge report - according to "senior administration officials", Mary Matalin may leave WH at year's end, to - you guessed it - spend more time with her family.

Today in History

1937 planes from Nazi Germany raided the Basque town of Guernica during the Spanish Civil War.

1986 the world's worst nuclear accident occurred at the Chernobyl plant in the Soviet Union.

2002 despite a stern warning and veiled threats from the Saudi crown prince, the Smirking Cokemonkey never deviated from his course, but hightailed his fuzzy bunny-ass back to the campaign trail to raise more money for repuke thugs.



Word of the Day: Assuage - Little Tucker turned to the bottle and a transvestite pro wrestler named Big Meaty Bertha to assuage the anger and grief he felt after being verbally pummelled into a pile of stinking goo by Cpl Cueball.


Last Night on Crossfirrrrrrrrre

James Carville: Let me ask you a question. What grade would you give the president on his...[handling of the Mideast situation]

Tucker the Chicken: I'm not going to answer that question.



Carville: Let me show you something that I know that...because we're going to post it on the much ballyhooed grand web site mediawhoresonline.com. And this is what they had to say. "Conservative media," this is what everybody in Washington reads. You need to check it out. "Conservative media outlets...have tried to ignore Brock's truthful revelations, putting him on what looks like a blacklist, refusing to review his book, refusing to have him appear on their broadcasts, hoping that he and his book will just go away." Does that ring true to you, David?

David Brock, author: Yes, absolutely. As I was saying to Tucker, the conservative magazines have not reviewed the book. Conservative dominated talk shows that love my previous work won't talk about it. And I think the conservatives are in denial. I actually found the same thing with the Hillary Clinton book when I didn't say that she was evil, the same thing. They promote what they want. They promote what they want you to hear. And otherwise, they don't. Well, what I'm talking about is what the conservatives did, and what their view is. And the fact that they don't want people to know that, A, they put Clarence Thomas on the Supreme Court, knowing about his past and covering that up. They spent more than $2 million to smear the Clintons as part of the Arkansas project, which Tucker, you wrote about in "New York" magazine. You know that happened. You know it was a smear campaign.

the Bow-tied Weener: I'm not exactly sure. But let me just mention...

Mr Brock: You're not exactly sure. You wrote about it. I read what you wrote. You don't even remember what you wrote?



Mr Brock slams one out of the park!: It's hypocrisy. And hypocrisy is endemic in the movement to one -- the biggest public moralizers during the Clinton period were doing exactly what they claimed falsely the Clintons were doing. In many cases, they were doing a lot worse. And you know them, because they're all of your friends.

David Brock: There are a lot of other people who can back up what I said about Ted Olson. If they had a real investigation, you would've been found out that there were other people from "The Spectator" who would've said the same thing. Because he's a Republican, they make him a lead lawyer in the land. If he was a Democrat, he'd be in jail.



Mr Carville: "I understand the GOP elite has sent out the word for top GOP leaders to stay off Crossfire because they can't stand the heat. Waaaa! Da wittle cry babies." Sam Park, Van Nuys, California. I tell you something, Sam, about these people. They can give it, but can't take it. And I found out something about this right-wing crowd. They all got glass jaws. The good ones that come over here...

tucker, coming close to crying: They all come on here. And I must say, to think that they're going to be ignoring to be...

James: Why is Marc Racicot telling -- he's the chairman of the Republican party!

tucker, pissing his panties: That is absolutely...

James Carville, hero: He's a weenie.





Bunnypants Looks into Soul of Crown Prince Abdullah, Shares Vision, Establishes "strong personal bond."

The Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia delivered a stern warning to the Fraudulent Fratboy yesterday that the US would face what a top Saudi advisor said were "grave consequences" if it does not "rein in Israel."

The crown prince's foreign policy aide said the prince did not hide his growing dismay with the failure of the US to exert some muscle on Sharon. "If the United States doesn't do more to reduce the violence," Abdullah told the Ignorant Impotus, "there will be grave consequences for the U.S. and its interests."

Squinty the Pinhead and Abdullah met privately for only 75 minutes. Then the Smirking Simpleton dragged the poor guy into a pickup for a jolting tour of the pig farm.

"He's a man who's got a farm and he understands the land," the Moron of Midland trilled, "and I really took great delight in being able to drive him around in a pickup truck and showing him the trees and my favorite spots. And we saw a wild turkey, which was good." I bet the crown prince needed a bottle of Wild Turkey after a day with Hopalong Noodlehead.

"We spent a lot of time alone, discussing our respective visions, talking about our families," he twittered. Even so, the crown prince fled Bunnypants Bunker faster than an aborted fetus being flushed from the womb of GW Bush's 15-year-old girlfriend - no joint statements to the whore press, no faux-cowboy dinner, no sleep-over in the superhero bedroom. So much for your 'strong personal bond', huh, dumbass??



Meanwhile, back in DC...repuke neonazis tell Abdullah, Powell, world to f*ck off

Rejecting a personal plea from Colin Powell to hold off, House repuke leaders today set a vote for next week on a resolution of "solidarity" with Israel that condemns "the ongoing support and coordination of terror" by Yasir Arafat.

Senior repuglican aides said the move reflected the overwhelming impulse among lawmakers to stand with Israel, as well as repuke disillusionment with Secretary Powell. Some conservatives accuse Powell of being too inclined to seek middle ground in the Mideast, undercutting the moral clarity of Preznit Dumbass's stand against terrorism.

The rift in the Clueless Cokehead's inner circle, some State Department officials said, has left the administration's policy "dead in the water." The officials used words like "despondent" and "disheartened", and say they can't remember a time in recent years when they have felt so badly beaten up. "I can't think of an awful lot of allies," a State Department official said. He said the demoralization within the department was "the most acute" in at least five years.



After Repeatedly Smearing Torricelli, GOP Darling Treffinger Now Focus of Federal
Corruption Investigation

Those God-fearin' Republicans sure are leading the nation toward a "new morality," aren't they? Let's see, we have the Mayor of Waterbury jailed on child molestation charges, the third-ranking Congressional GOPer Delay running a boiler room scam to bilk doctors out of "donations," and all those good Republican guys who headed Enron and Anderson caught red-handed stealing from employees, clients and consumers. Now, to add to this growing list of the "morally uplifting," we have James Treffinger, the GOP favorite (at least until this weekend!) for the U.S. Senate race in NJ. Treffinger, who has loudly accused Senator Bob Torricelli of corruption, had his office raided by the feds, who confiscated documents and computer files after Treffinger became closely implicated in a corruption case. Loyalty, of course, being another great GOP character trait, the party's response was to dump JT's butt overnight and disavow any support. - Thanks to democrats.com.

Eratio* Update - Does he ever sleep??!:
10.6192: Prey atarian_SDMB473 escaped
10.6190: Caught and fighting against atarian_SDMB473
10.6186: Hunting atarian_SDMB473
10.6152: Hunting SamIIIIIIIII
10.6134: Hunting SweetCakes
10.6132: Hunting Bug3
10.6127: Hunting 1324
10.6125: Hunting tf_pano4314_27
10.6115: Hunting TwoIIIII
10.6103: Mated with wymbeast but conception did not take place
10.6084: Mated with MrCarn but conception did not take place
10.6046: Mated with zephster3 but conception did not take place
10.6027: Mated with ABBY-SDMB but conception did not take place
10.5975: Mated with Chomby but conception did not take place
10.5900: Mated with 33333333 but conception did not take place
*See 4/8/02, in archive section


One year ago today: pResident Dumbass almost sends us to Defcon5 when he warns China that an attack on Taiwan could provoke a U.S. military response.

Today: It's back to the pig farm as Laura's Lazy Loser tries to play cowboy with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah. This oughta be good: Saudi officials have criticized the Moron of Midland for failing to crack down on Israel and for his characterization of Sharon as "man of peace." His comments sent tensions in the Middle East "headed for an abyss," said Saudi Foreign Minister Prince Saud al-Faisal, who ridiculed the Crawford Cowabuser on national TV.

According to the New York Times, the Crown Prince is expected to tell the AWOL Wonderchimp in stark terms at their meeting on Thursday that the strategic relationship between their two countries will be threatened if Daddy's Little Doofus does not moderate his support for Israel's military policies.



The Ignorant Impotus's schedule for the next few days:

Friday: stroking the Republican Party's biggest financial supporters over lunch. Sounds nasty. And I hope they're not dining in another damn submarine.
The weekend: chopping down helpless shrubbery, pious photo-ops in church, stalking cows
Monday: it's off to New Mexico and California to raise money for Republicans there.


Word of the Day: Assiduous - "Bein' preznit is hard!", chirped Smirky the Chimp as he assiduously rounded up the recalcitrant cows, hoping they would impart some moral clarity to the Mideast situation.



LOL - Texas A&M tells Gramm to F*ck Off!

Former CIA Director Robert Gates, who has served as interim dean of Texas A&M's George Bush School of Government and Public Service (stop it! you're killing me!!), will be named the university's 22nd president, said a regent who did not wish to be named Wednesday.

Most of the regents will select Gates over U.S. Sen. Phil Gramm, partly because Gramm has "huge drawbacks" related to his hard-line conservative views, the regent said.

"He's a divider, not a uniter," the regent said about Gramm.




Last Night on Crossfire:

The Bow-Tied Baby: I don't know a single Democrat who's happy about [Al Gore's] apparent run for the presidency again. All Democrats I know are unhappy about it. And you've got to see him for what he is, a guaranteed loser, don't you?

Congressman Jim Moran: No. Gee, not one single Democrat is happy about the results of the presidential election, because they feel that the president was selected by the Supreme Court, instead of elected by the American people.


Quotes

"The United States is under enormous threat and the times call for resolve, strength and delicate diplomacies across a wide variety of issues affecting countries friendly to us, not so friendly and downright hostile. In response, George W. Bush strides into the international china shop in spurs, ten-gallon hat and double-drawn pistols, rattling decades of delicately placed and fragile diplomatic crystal. I don't say he is a corrupt man, but I insist he is becoming a corrupted man." - Jim Freeman

"[T]he White House has been outsmarted by foreign leaders who have used Bush's words to justify and deflect criticism of their policies and agendas. The cost to the United States has been a loss of corresponding credibility and influence abroad now and possibly in the long-run." - Ehsan Ahrari

The Top 6 Recipe Steps That Sound Dirty but Aren't:

6. Beat by hand in quick strokes until thick and creamy.

5. Insert probe. When it pops, you're done!

4. You're looking for stiff peaks.

3. Pound meat until tender.

2. Knead and let rise in warm, moist environment.

and the Number 1 Recipe Step That Sounds Dirty but Isn't...

1. Stuff sausage in the cavity between the legs.



Today's Photo:


Der Fuhrer salutes
party faithful at rally
in South Dakota.

Karen kisses Widdle Georgie bye-bye.


Today

If you watch from a church porch from eleven at night till one in the morning of St Mark's Eve, you will see all the people who are to die in the next year parade past.

1792 the national anthem of France, "La Marseillaise," was composed by Capt. Claude Joseph Rouget de Lisle in one night during the French Revolution. It's got the coolest lyrics:
Our day of Glory has arrived.
Against us stands tyranny,
The bloody flag is raised,
The bloody flag is raised.
Do you hear in the countryside
The roar of these savage soldiers
They come right into our arms
To cut the throats of your sons, your country.
To arms, citizens!
Form up your battalions
Let us march, Let us march!
That their impure blood
Should water our fields

The alternate version is also pretty damn inspiring:
Shall hateful tyrants, mischief breeding,
With hireling hosts a ruffian band
Affright and desolate the land
While peace and liberty lie bleeding?
To arms, to arms, ye brave!
Th'avenging sword unsheathe!
March on, march on, all hearts resolved
On liberty or death.

1916 some 1,600 Irish nationalists launched the Easter Rising by seizing several key sites in Dublin. History does not record what song they marched to.

1961 Bob Dylan made his recording debut, playing harmonica on Harry Belafonte's "Midnight Special" album. He was paid 50 dollars.

1964 police officer Lonnie Zamora of Socorro, New Mexico, saw a shiny object 200 yards off the road which he took to be an overturned car. Nearby were two 'people' in white coveralls. He drove towards the object, and got out of the car. Almost at once, it took off with a loud roar, rising straight up, with an orange-blue tail of flame.

1996 The Palestinian parliament declares in Gaza City that it no longer seeks Israel's destruction and has abandoned armed struggle.

2001 The Supreme Court ruled, 5-4, that police can arrest and handcuff people for minor traffic offenses. Oh liberty can man resign thee, Once having felt thy gen'rous flame?

2002 As the situation in the Mideast continued to develop like the fetus in the womb of GW Bush's 15-year-old girlfriend before he forced her to have an abortion, the Smirking Sockpuppet decided to "take a break" from meeting with Arab leaders and hit the campaign trail again - this time in South Dakota. It was left to Defib Dick to meet with the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia.


Word of the Day: Apocryphal - Maru suspected that the stories she was hearing about Karen leaving to spend more time with her family were apocryphal.





"Wasn't it your day to watch him?"

Is that the Royal "we" now, you f*cking idiot?

Lasting peace in the Middle East is possible only if a Palestinian state is established, Preznit Pretzal said Tuesday as he reached out to the Arab world. As if to underscore his message, the Clueless Cowpie blatted, "our government means what we say."

"The only way for there to be lasting peace is for there to be two states living side by side at peace with each other," the Simpering Ninny carolled.

And people wonder why Karen Huge is leaving.



Quotes of the Day

"All of the classification of documents, as you know as well as I do, is not done so that wicked enemies of the United States will find out our secrets; it's so that Americans will not find out what their government is up to." - Gore Vidal.

Karen Huge "announced that she intended to resign and go back to Texas with her family this summer, thus ending one of Washington's more public displays of rank ignorance." - James Ridgeway

"Karen Hughes says she wants to spend more time with her family. So, for what it's worth, did a bunch of executives from Enron, Arthur Andersen and Kmart. Funny how all of them were afflicted with family longings that coincided with searingly difficult job circumstances." - Mark Leibovich

"For Earth Day pResident Bush was showing people how to use an ax. It's the same one he'll use on Social Security." - Letterman





Nicholas von Hoffman kicks butt: "a wind-up toy boat with a bent rudder doing circular putt-putts in the bathtub" - a wind-up toy boat with a leak!

"During the Passover/Easter period, you couldn't say how George Bush was spending his time. Maybe, as all hell was breaking loose in the Middle East, he was praying-he likes us to think he spends a lot of quality time with the Lord, on his knees with his hands clasped-or he could as easily have been hunkering down and trying to stay out of harm's way, as he did on Sept. 11.

"If he was praying, what was he praying for? A Republican Senate next November? Maybe he was asking the Lord God of Hosts to make being President fun again, like it was the first few weeks. Or maybe he was asking to be made into a teensy-weensy, itty-bitty little fella nobody can see. If so, his prayers have been answered on that last one. Every day, this guy loses a couple of more inches. Some grow in office; others shrink.

"This is not the moment for ordinary political tricks and wiles. You do not stand with one thumb in your mouth and the other up your rear end as the cyclone approaches. We can only hope that the Supreme Being that Mr. Bush assures us he's on a first-name basis with will stick a finger into the nubilous matter inside the man's skull and boom at him: 'Do something!'"

Ouch!


What do your coworkers call you behind your back? Find out here!




In Other News:

Secretary Powell THIS Close to Shaking Someone Silly
Cafeteria Creamed Spinach Rich with Adolescent Jizz Jokes
Maniacal Cackling Traced to IRS Audit Facility
Arafat Claims "Ariel" a Girl's Name
Twentysomethings: Who the Fuck Is "Baretta?"