December 31, 2007

In case I fall asleep...

Happy New Year, everybody!!


Monkeyfister's 2007 Golden Monkeyfist “Au Peer” Awards have been announced! Congratulations, all!

The year's most laughable political antics

Some good stuff from SFgate, including

Best Fodder for the Late-Night Comedians:

Sen. Larry Craig (R-estroom) gave "new meaning to the word caucusing" (David Letterman) when he was caught playing footsie in the men's room with his infamous "wide stance." Craig announced his resignation from the Senate, then later reversed his decision after "talking it over with guy in stall No. 3" (Conan O'Brien), angering his Republican colleagues, some of whom "stopped having sex with him" (Jimmy Kimmel). The staunchly anti-gay lawmaker denied being a hypocrite, saying, "Hey, I wasn't trying to marry the cop in the bathroom" (O'Brien). Later, he was inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame - not the entire hall, "just the men's room" (Jay Leno).
and the best Bushism:
During the 2000 presidential race, candidate George W. Bush famously asked, "Is our children learning?" Seven years into his presidency, the Great Pronunciator finally arrived at a conclusion: "Childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured," Bush declared as he touted the success of No Child Left Behind.


Man of God Mike Huckabee creates new TV ad attacking Mitt Romney, then says as a good Christian, he won't release it. So he shares it with a couple hundred of his closest friends in the media.

Yeah, how'd that work out, btw?

The assassination of Benazir Bhutto followed two months of urgent pleas to the State Department by her representatives for better protection. The White House's reaction was that she was worried over nothing, expressing assurance that [Bush's good friend] Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf would not let anything happen to her.
-- incontinent douchebag Bob Novak, of all people.

Dead man walking

No shit.

Fred Thompson's Death Throes --

This is what a disaster looks like: Fred Thompson, the former future "savior" of the Republican Party, looking droopy-eyed and jowly in a black leather jacket and tan ten-gallon hat, wandering like some fake lonesome lost cowboy through the snows of a Hollywood back lot southeastern Iowa in search of voters - and not finding many.

A few minutes earlier, the former actor and would-be conservative hero had emerged from the Smokey Row coffeehouse, where, in his endless search for the only kind of media he can afford - free - he'd sat down with the local newspaper. Otherwise, Smokey Row held at most two dozen largely disinterested patrons. Many of the folks in the quiet coffeehouse ignored Thompson, more interested in their laptops or newspapers than a presidential candidate. [...]

Out in the hallway stood three campaign workers holding clipboards. "Would you like to sign up to caucus for Fred?" they called to the departing voters. Few stopped.

"That's it. The room's empty," one worker reported back to the others. I could see the signup sheets from over their shoulders. One had two names recorded on it, another just a single name, Heywood U. Blowmie. The third was entirely empty. And so this is the way the savior's campaign ends - not with a bang, but with an empty signup sheet.

"Vote for me, or I'll sleep on this flag!"

End of the Year Haiku

"Pelosi and Reid
Cowered like emo singers
With bleeding hem'rrhoids"

-- da Rude One

Santa's got something for you!

I just saw this on tv and almost wet myself:

Quote of the past few minutes

After paying five billion dollars for The Wall Street Journal, Rupert Murdoch will reduce the size of the paper by removing the facts.
-- from Andy Borowitz' predictions for 2008 (via Balloon Juice).

She makes me randy, baby

Willard "Mitts" Romney: Mormon, creepy horndog:

After his wife Ann spoke to a crowd, Romney asked the audience, "Isn't she good?"

A gentleman next to Romney shouted, "she's cuter."

Romney laughed before the gentleman followed up with "that's not saying much."

As the audience continued to laugh and guffaw, Romney agreed "She is a cute girl. I'll tell you."

Romney followed with something few were expecting, "She's hot too," licking his finger and making a "tsss" sizzling hot sound.

Kickin' Ass!!

The number of American soldiers who died in the occupation of Iraqnam during 2007 stands at 899. Despite astonishing signs of normalcy in multiple Indiana-like markets during the latter part of the year, 2007 still had the highest number of American deaths since the illegal invasion began. Let Freedom Reign!

In other news soon to be covered by the "liberal media," the Pakistani islamist dictatorship has declared that Benazir Bhutto died due to old age brought on by a rebel sunroof latch which was emboldened by the fact that she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

Suck on THAT!

We're looking at you, moron-America

From a NY Times editorial. As you may probably guess, it was not written by neo-clown suckhole Bill Kristol --

[Snippy the Chimp] squandered America’s position of moral and political leadership, swept aside international institutions and treaties, sullied America’s global image, and trampled on the constitutional pillars that have supported our democracy through the most terrifying and challenging times. These policies have fed the world’s anger and alienation and have not made any of us safer. [...]

These are not the only shocking abuses of [the raving Disaster Monkey]’s two terms in office, made in the name of fighting terrorism. There is much more — so much that the next president will have a full agenda simply discovering all the wrongs that have been done and then righting them.

We can only hope that this time, unlike 2004, American voters will have the wisdom to grant the awesome powers of the presidency to someone who has the integrity, principle and decency to use them honorably. Then when we look in the mirror as a nation, we will see, once again, the reflection of the United States of America.
Yeah, thanks, NY Times. You can now resume the position to better suck WH cock, you craven shit-heads.

Update: what he said!

Huckabee stands by ‘Christ’ comment

Mike Huckabee, a Republican relying on support from religious conservatives in Thursday's hard-fought Iowa presidential caucuses, on Sunday stood by a comment he made after the NY Giants lost to the Patriots...

What? Oh.

"Shit, they didn't even cover the spread!"

Dripping... with... irony...

"The Bush administration said Sunday that it's crucial for Pakistan to hold free and fair elections."

"Jes' like here! Heh heh!"


What I read: "Giuliani cuts a different path in White House race"

What I pictured:

For all the wrong reasons

Basement-dwelling conservatard leg-humper at www.whitehouse_spermburper "americanthinker".com nominates petulant fartsniffer Preznit Crash Test Dummy as "man of the year." No, hold on -- "man of the decade"!

Whether it was the contested election of 2000, the response to 9/11, the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq, the "mess in Iraq," and the surge, the guy in the middle was President Bush. Whether it's the success of the 2003 tax cuts, the mess of No Child Left Behind, or the gigantic expansion of Medicare, the go-to guy is President Bush.
Sigh. Where to begin... The "mess in Iraq," as you so breezily call it, is a fucking war where 3902 US troops and countless tens of thousands of civilians have been killed, and where 38,876 US troops have been wounded. One with no end in sight. Dumbass. God, I need a drink already...
The astonishing thing about President Bush is that, pace his critics, he has not presided over a White House bunker mentality. He has not held onto policies inflexibly without ever changing strategy when he needed to. He did not go into Iraq without a plan for the aftermath. He did not refuse to face up to his mistakes. He is so fucking awesome!!1!eleventy!
Whoa! It's opposite day already? Huh!
[I]n this season of conservative discontent let us appreciate that in President Bush we have a leader who, while lacking the charm of a matinee idol, does not lack for courage, fortitude, coolness under fire, and a willingness to play "big ball."
If by the above you mean an "insufferably dense, pig-headed, mulish, inflexable, peevish, belligerent spoiled brat" who can't tell his ass from his elbow and would probably use both to wipe the apple sauce off his stupid monkey chin, well yeah. Congratulations, you pathetic lickspittle! You've won this month's obsequious spoodge-swallower award. Here's your prize:

Update: A suicide car bomber has just killed five children and six neighborhood patrol volunteers in Baghdad. Jerkoff.

December 30, 2007

I Don't Know If Mike Huckabee Was 'Born' an Over-sized Dickwad, But It's His 'Choice' To Act Like One.

For Christ's sake, someone punch this asshole in the testicles.

On NBC’s Meet The Press this morning, host Tim Russert asked former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee if he believed “people are born gay or choose to be gay?” “I don’t know whether people are born that way,” responded Huckabee, “but one thing I know, that the behavior one practices is a choice.”

Huckabee conceded that “people who are gay say that they’re born that way,” but added that he believed that “how we behave and how we carry out that behavior” is more important.



"I'm thrilled to announce I have been hired by the
New York Times, an irredeemably second-rate
newspaper which should be prosecuted by the
Justice Department for gratuitously revealing
classified information."


Romney and facts: total strangers

The lying bunker mentality of Willard 'Waffles' Romney:

As the countless multitudes currently seeking the presidency continue to prattle on endlessly about a wide variety of topics, casual observers soon lose the capacity to distinguish the occasional, factual statement from the inane blather. However, former Massachusetts governor and current GOP presidential candidate wannabe Mitt Romney utters statements so outrageous that they make one sit up and take notice. In a single speech in Humbolt, Iowa he showed his ignorance, his inexplicable clasping at President Bush's tattered coattails and, most importantly, his dangerousness. [...]

This is the man that would be president: one who is unaware of recent historical realities; who is willing to twist facts in the apparent hope that the U.S. voter will accept his convoluted view of events; who has previously stated his desire to double the population of the U.S. torture center known as Guantanamo. While many people were aghast when conditions there were made public, a tearful Mr. Romney said this: "I am glad [detainees] are at Guantanamo. I don't want them on our soil. I want them on Guantanamo, where they don't get the access to lawyers they get when they're on our soil. I don't want them in our prisons, I want them there. Some people have said we ought to close Guantanamo. My view is we ought to double Guantanamo."

So much for due process, another trifling principle Mr. Romney dismisses.

A Romney presidency would bring continued, endless war; further erosion of basic civil rights; greater intolerance and increased polarization of U.S. society. The U.S. government will continue to be a pariah on the world stage, feared by it's own citizens and hated abroad. While few of the political actors currently strutting across that stage have the potential to demonstrate real leadership (Congressmen Dennis Kucinich and Ron Paul being notable, possible exceptions), in a lesser-of-several-evils evaluation, Mr. Romney does not come out even close to the top. His continued warlike rhetoric, his disdain for human rights and his striking inability to see facts make him a danger to the nation and the world.

-- peace activist Robert Fantina.

  • Presidential candidates practice for presidential lying

  • Multiple-Choice Mitt's candor gap
  • Uhhh, congratulations!

    To all the ... winners... of the 5th annual World Stupidity Awards.

    "Ah jes wanna say ah'm honnerd tuh be a part a' this."

    Don't Forget Poland

    Poles not buying Preznit Blunder's bullshit --

    Poland’s new government is taking a second look at the Bush misadministration’s proposal to station 10 interceptor missiles there as part of a European-based missile-defense system.

    The Poles are not the only ones with doubts. Last month, a thousand Czechs marched through Prague demanding a referendum on whether the system’s radar should be built in the Czech Republic, as the Bush White House wants.

    It now seems that the only one with any enthusiasm for the effort is Preznit GameBoy, who continues to argue that the shield is necessary to "protect Europe and the United States" from a "potential attack" by Iran. Bill Kristol told him so.

    Above: the conservatard columnist, enjoying himself at a party thrown by former UN ambassador and fellow neocon John Bolton.

    Fred Thompson: "Zzzzzzzzzzzz....."

    GOP savior and heir to the mantle of Saint Ronnie of Reagan couldn't care less about the American people, and wish they would stay the hell off of his lawn --

    Fred Thompson said Saturday he's not consumed with winning the White House and that a president with too much fire in the belly is not necessarily a good thing.

    "I like to say that I'm only consumed by very, very few things and politics is not one of them," Thompson yawned at a town hall meeting in Burlington's Sealy showroom. "[I]f people really want in their president a super type-A personality, someone who has gotten up every morning and gone to bed every night thinking about for years how they could achieve the presidency of the United States, someone who could look you straight in the eye and say they enjoy every minute of campaigning — I ain't that guy."

    "I'm not particularly interested in running for president."

    He said others encouraged him to run and he decided it was the right thing to do, especially when his favorite recliner went on the fritz and he had nothing else to do while waiting for the repairs to be done.

    Above: the candidate wonders how soon he can shitcan this campaign stop and go back to his hotel for a nap.

    December 29, 2007

    Another Phony Soldier

    Watch them throw this one under the bus with all the rest.

    Lt. Cmdr. Andrew Williams, a JAG officer with the U.S. Naval Reserve, recently resigned his commission over the alleged use of torture by the United States and the destruction of video tapes said to contain instances of that torture.

    As ThinkProgress reported in December, Brigadier General Thomas W. Hartmann, the legal adviser at Guantanamo Bay, repeatedly refused to call the hypothetical waterboarding of an American pilot by the Iranian military torture.

    Explaining his resignation in a letter to his Gig Harbor, WA, newspaper — the Peninsula Gateway — Williams said Hartmann’s testimony was “the final straw”:

    The final straw for me was listening to General Hartmann, the highest-ranking military lawyer in charge of the military commissions, testify that he refused to say that waterboarding captured U.S. soldiers by Iranian operatives would be torture.

    His testimony had just sold all the soldiers and sailors at risk of capture and subsequent torture down the river. Indeed, he would not rule out waterboarding as torture when done by the United States and indeed felt evidence obtained by such methods could be used in future trials.
    Dude has more balls than Rush has in his wildest jerk-off fantasies (hint: that's a fuck of a lot of balls).


    It’s not the sex, it’s the hypocrisy

    The Pensito Review's nominees for 2007's GOP adulterers hall of shame fame shame.


    Ron Paul has racked up more petitions for convention delegates in Tennessee than former Tennessee senator Fred "Zzzzzzzzz" Thompson.


    The commie lieberal New York Times has hired raving neo-con nutjob Bill "Always Wrong" Kristol as a columnist fucking hack. Good fucking gravy.

    "Well, then, let's bomb Iran!"

    Update: I think it is an open question whether the Times itself should be prosecuted for this totally gratuitous hire of such a second-rate warmongering ballgargler.

    "Heh heh - we're havin' turkey!"

    "Hey, Gul -- gull, thassa sort bird too, ain't it! -- yoo want white or dark meat? Haw!"

    A laurel, and hearty handshake

    ... to all the winners of the 2007 Golden Monkeyfist Awards! Smaller bloggers are just as hard-working and dedicated as the "a-listers," but they do it all without the help of advertisers, funding and stables of contributors, diarists, and '"rescue rangers." Kudos!

    And yayz to Undie Lib!!

    A Quiz:

    Just many things are FUCKING WRONG in this single paragraph???

    At the behest of the Iraqi government, President Bush has vetoed the annual defense authorization bill, saying an obscure provision in the legislation could make Iraqi assets held in U.S. banks vulnerable to lawsuits.
    Just who in beezlebub's den is in charge here, is it the Iraqi "government" or U.S. banks? And why do they hate both the GWOT™ and the troops?
    Fucked without a kiss, are we not?

    Waterboarding Tapes Found!!

    From when I waterboarded Maru's cats to find where she kept her private stash of "catnip"

    As you can see, waterboarding doesn't work.

    December 28, 2007

    Retention Accomplished

    I have been informed that I am the winner of the second annual GOLDEN MONKEYFIST AWARD WINNERS for 2007 , in the Silver Sailor's Tongue Award (with double barb cluster) category. Guess who won the first year?
    My mentor in the bloggyworld, the wantonly luscious and snarkalicious Maru.

    Yup, we are dynasty. Hear us roar.

    But seriously, for as long as I can be, I mean really, I am truly honored, and as a faithful acolyte of Maru, I must share the credit with her.

    The trophy stays home!

    Tru Dat!

    First seen at: Buck Fush

    Republicunts Attack

    It's so fun to watch them eat their own as the Mittster attacks McStain for opposing Bush’s tax cuts and inviting all islamocommienazijihadifascist Mexican married gays to invade the US and live on food stamps in shiny new Cadillacs.

    Seriously, just shoot me, already. Or not.

    Spreadin' Democratude!!

    As the U.S. government and presidential candidates posture over the assassination of Benazir Bhutto by predictably screaming al Qeada and Taliban, most Pakistanis blamed her death not on al-Qaeda, but on their own government - and the United States.

    24/7 coverage of this angle to begin at fairly imbalanced Fox "News"any time now.........

    I Want My Money Mommy!!

    Amateur Porn star, spoiled brat and over ripe salmon scented Paris Hilton is going to have to cut back on partying expenses as her Grampa is going to give most of the family fortune to charity.

    Barron Hilton, chairman of the foundation, intends “to contribute 97 percent of his entire net worth, estimated today at $2.3 billion, including the created trusts, at whatever value it is at the time of his passing,” the foundation said.
    Poor Paris, that only leaves her $69,000,000.....before the "Death Tax," oh, the horror of it all!

    December 27, 2007

    Absolutely brill!

    Ally in the war on terrrr drops Bush's "war on terror" designation. Via Cliff Schecter:

    The words "war on terror" will no longer be used by the British government to describe attacks on the public, the country's chief prosecutor said Dec. 27.

    Sir Ken Macdonald said terrorist fanatics were not soldiers fighting a war but simply members of an aimless "death cult." They are "fantasists, narcissists, murderers and criminals and need to be responded to in that way."

    Officials were concerned it could act as a recruiting tool for Al Qaeda, which is determined to manufacture a battle between Islam and the West.
    Or for neocons, who seem to be determined in manufacturing a battle between the West and Islam.

    Is Bush an idiot?

    Oh yes. A video highlighting the real Bush legacy, by Gotta Laff:


    'Is it a civil rights milestone to have a retarded president? The first president who is so visibly stupid he can say "I didn't know what was in the National Intelligence Estimate until last week" and sound plausible. ' ... the 50 Most Loathsome People in America for 2007. Word.

    How do you know Mitt Romney is lying?

    His lips are moving.

    Last week Romney was reduced to debating what the meaning of "saw" is. It was only the latest in a string of demonstrably false claims -- he'd been a hunter "pretty much" all his life, he'd had the NRA's endorsement, he marched with Martin Luther King, Jr. -- that call into question the veracity of his justifications for switching sides on immigration, abortion, taxes and his affection for Ronald Reagan.

    In this primary, the more Mitt Romney speaks, the less believable he becomes.
    -- from an editorial in the Union-Leader. The right-wing-nut paper of choice in NH.

    But... but... it's wabbit season!

    "I've named this bird 'Willard'!"

    Pic stolen from Pensito Review.
    : )

    Oh hell

    Bunnnypants' democratic buddies in Pakistan kill Benazir Bhutto.

    Pakistan opposition leader Benazir Bhutto was assassinated Thursday in a suicide bombing that also killed at least 20 others at a campaign rally, a party aide and a military official said.

    December 26, 2007

    Scientists inscribe Bible on pinhead

    Strangely, this is not about Preznit Lawn Ornament's new tattoo. Story here.

    "Ah got a princess Ariel!!"

    Still trying to wake up

    funny pictures
    moar funny pictures

    Arrgghh, I've been tagged!

    The Political Cat got me! First, here's are the rules ... stoopid grammer... :

    1. Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.
    2. Share Christmas facts about yourself.
    3. Tag seven random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
    4. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

    Welcome to the Christmas edition of "Getting to Know Your Friends."

    1. Wrapping or gift bags?

    2. Real or artificial tree?
    After learning how much cats and doggies looooourve real pine trees, last year we went artificial.

    3. When do you put up the tree?
    Usually a week before Christmas.

    4. When do you take the tree down?
    Heh. Usually when we get tired of it. Like around the end of January.

    5. Do you like egg nog?
    Mmmmmmmm, noggins with rum...

    6. Favorite gift received as a child?
    Super Spirograph!

    7. Do you have a nativity scene?
    No. Just too many critters around.

    8. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
    A "Human Fund" card.
    Kidding. When I was little, every Christmas my aunt would get me a special doll from around the world, dressed up in its native costume, but I wasn't allowed to play with it -- it was for my "collection" of "special dolls from around the world" (her idea)! What... a... ripoff. I hated those fucking dolls.

    9. Mail or email Christmas cards?
    Uhhhhhh... neither. : (

    10. Favorite Christmas Movie?
    "White Christmas" -- I always tear up at the end.

    11. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
    I start interweb shopping a week after Thanksgiving. I haven't been to a mall in two years.

    12. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
    Roast pork and potatoes. Or turkey and stuffing.

    13. Clear lights or colored on the tree?

    14. Favorite Christmas song(s)?
    It Came Upon A Midnight Clear
    All I Want for Christmas Is You
    Merry Fucking Christmas

    15. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
    Drive down to the inlaws for Christmas Eve, up to my family for Christmas day.

    16. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer?
    Yes, But they seem kind of gay. 'Cause we all know who brightens up our holiday...
    It's Mr Hanky, the Christmas poo!

    17. Angel on the tree top or a star?

    18. Open the presents Christmas Eve or Christmas Morning?
    Christmas Eve at the in-laws, Christmas day at my family.

    19. Most annoying thing about this time of year?
    The fucking traffic. And that horrible Paul McCartney song.

    20. Do you decorate your tree in any specific theme or color?

    21. What do you leave for Santa?
    Cat food on the back deck for the reindeer.

    22. Least favorite holiday song?
    Did I mention that horrible Paul McCartney song?

    23. Favorite ornament?
    This year its the dog poop one.

    24. Family tradition?
    My mom totally drugging the old man so he doesn't pick a fight with anyone. My brother and sister-in-law had Christmas crackers for everyone this year, which was pretty cool. I hope we do that again.

    25. Ever been to Midnight Mass or late-night Christmas Eve services?
    Yes, we go every year. I wish they would sing more of the traditional carols, though.

    I'm not going to tag anyone, but please post yours in the Comments if you like!

    December 24, 2007