December 29, 2003

The cats investigate Maru's magic twanger

Nigel Tufnel: The sustain, listen to it.
Marty DiBergi: I don't hear anything.
Nigel Tufnel: Well you would though, if it were playing.

"These go to 11."


  • The CCTV footage of the Hampton Court ghost, via Chapel Perilous.
  • Web site names top word, phrase and name of the year. Missing: Miserable failure George W Bush.
  • Merriam-Webster's top 10 words of the year.
  • Someone's been having way too much free time with the Bush flightsuit doll. Missing: the Tete Upmyassa position.
  • Political greeting cards.
  • The top 10 space images of 2003.
  • EOMER: Hi! Okay, stop me if you've heard this one. An elf, a man, and a dwarf walk into the Riddermark...

  • _________________________________________________
    Our day off
    Big brown dog #1 is waiting for me to drop one of my Chef Boy-ar-Dee raviolis.
    Big brown dog #2 is downstairs, hoping the UPS guy comes back.
    Big orange cat Jaffa, tired of watching squirrels outside taunt him, has jumped into a big Amazon box.
    Small orange cat Egon is sleeping in a puddle of sun.
    Parrot Merlin is strangely silent. Hopefully he's pooping on the pic of the pReznit lining the bottom of his freedom hut cage.

    Kucinich calls terror alert a government scare tactic
    The jackbooted fascist regime of lying, indolent moron Snippy the Chimp is using elevated terror alerts for political gain while confusing Americans and accomplishing little, Dennis Kucinich said.

    For related stories, see meat from mad cow found in eight states, new concerns over anthrax readiness, or, Taliban claims responsibility today for a bombing that killed five.

    Feeling safer yet?

    I've been lazy, watching football and trying to learn how to play my new electric twanger. Are they f*cking kidding with that F chord?? How the hey am I supposed to manage that??

    Ho ho
    ScottB sent us the official WH Christmas card, 'pressed from genuine clear-cut redwood and sequoia pulp.'

    December 28, 2003

    PSM by harpy skank
    mAnn Coulter explains Kwanzaa.

    Ladies and gentleman, please take your seats the curtain rises for Testicle Theater.

    Why, God??!

    'These guys don't have a clue'
    "The more I saw, the more I thought that this was the product of the neocons who didn't understand the region and were going to create havoc there. These were dilettantes from Washington think tanks who never had an idea that worked on the ground." - - Vietnam vet Anthony Zinni, on the U.S. policy in Iraq.

    Bremer embarrasses Blair in major Bush Cartel "script" f*ck-up
    As insurgents increase attacks and death toll mounts, Bush Cartel story line becomes train wreck:

    Tony Blair was at the center of an embarrassing row last night after the most senior US official in Baghdad bluntly rejected the Prime Minister's assertion that secret weapons laboratories had been discovered in Iraq.

    In a Christmas message to British troops, Blair claimed there was 'massive evidence of a huge system of clandestine laboratories'. The Iraq Survey Group had unearthed compelling evidence that showed Saddam had attempted to 'conceal weapons', the Prime Minister said. But in an interview yesterday, Paul Bremer, the Bush administration's top official in Baghdad, flatly dismissed the claim as untrue - without realising its source was Blair.
    Meanwhile, the number of US service members killed and wounded in Iraq has more than doubled in the past four months compared with the four months preceding them, according to Pentagon statistics, with yesterday's offensive in Karbala marking the end of a disastrous Christmas week for coalition forces in Iraq following Saddam Hussein's capture.

    A roadside bomb killed an American soldier and two Iraqi children in Baghdad on Sunday, as mourners buried victims of a coordinated guerrilla assault in the southern city of Karbala that left 19 dead and almost 200 wounded. The Baghdad blast also wounded five American soldiers, their Iraqi interpreter and eight members of the Iraqi civil defense corps, said Sgt. Patrick Compton of the U.S. Army's 1st Armored Division.

    December 27, 2003

    Pink slips greet returning soldiers
    When U.S. Army Maj. Joe Cherry left his federal job at the National Labor Relations Board in Chicago because he was called up to fight the war in Iraq he received an unexpected going-away present. The major wouldn't have to worry whether his government job would be there when he returned - the federal government made that decision for him, firing him on the spot.

    Cherry is not alone. In the last five years 5,690 veterans have lost their jobs in both the private and public sectors while activated to serve a tour of duty, according to a U.S. Department of Labor report presented to Congress this year. Those numbers are expected to increase because, of the 300,000 deployed reservists, as many as 25,000 veterans are expected to return home in 2005 to reintegrate themselves back into civilian life after a tour of duty in the global war against terrorism. Of those 300,000, about 20,000 work for the federal government.

    If you can...
    Please send some love to Jim Capozzola of the Rittenhouse Review, and some prayers to Susan of Easy Bake Coven.

    The slipperiness of the administration's dishonesty
    'Was the capture of Saddam Hussein a major victory for the United States? It was certainly a victory in the extended Iraq war. It was a victory for President Bush over the man who plotted to kill his father. It was a victory for the Republican Party's plan to keep a stranglehold on American politics. But was it, as the president told us, a victory in the ''war on terrorism''?

    'Despite the media hoopla and the White House spin doctors, it was not....So, brave and good American men and women continue to die in Iraq, as do good Iraqi men and women. The military tells us that the Army will have to remain for two more years. The war was not only unnecessary, it was unjust by any and all of the traditional canons of an unjust war.' - - Andrew Greeley.

    Saddam threatens to expose Washington’s “political games”
    "Saddam threatened that if they continue to pressure him he will reveal startling facts — about America’s political games with his country — that would shock the whole world.”

    The Bush factor
    Kid sent to federal prison for allegedly damaging a boat engine belonging to Bush-the-only-slightly-smarter and his hellish mate, Barb the Pit Viper.

    "They said that they had concerns that this could be a terrorist attack. They cited national security concerns," said the 14-year-old's mother.

    We're back! Hope everyone had a nice Christmas/seasonal holiday/couple days off from work. I'm still trying to recover from screaming kids, heavy meals, and losing sleep worrying about my job, or the possible lack thereof.

    Anyhoo, I got some cool presents this year, instead of the usual bag o' coal:

  • One of those triple-tube bird feeders to replace the one that was torn down by bears
  • A silver and amethyst ring, very Celtic-looking
  • Some DVDs ("What're you getting Patton for? That's a republican movie!")
  • Books: The Most Beautiful Villages in France, and Lord of the Rings: Weapons and Warfare
  • An electric guitar! This is my very first one - I used to play acoustic, but stopped when I got bored with the nylon-stringed monstrosity I was given as a gift as long time ago. First things to learn: Sweet Child O' Mine, and a kick-ass version of Carol of the Bells that I heard on Christmas that sounded positively demonic.

  • December 23, 2003

    In case I don't see you tomorrow...

    What I want in my stockings Have a magical Christmas Eve!

    Image by stephenv.

    Case of mad cow disease in Wash. state
    "No foul play suspected."

    pReznit Poopypants is reportedly pissed at Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman, who - on national television - admitted that "This incident is not terrorist-related. I cannot stress this point strongly enough."

    "She's ruining everything," he was heard to remark to worthless national insecurity advisor Condoleeeza Rice.

    Airbrushed from history
    "[W]ith Saddam's capture, we're being urged to forget that the U.S. was ever looking for anything other than the dishevelled dictator.

    "David Bercuson, director of the Centre for Military and Strategic Studies at the University of Calgary, argued on CBC-TV's The National last week that Saddam's capture was 'going to help do away with the weapons of mass destruction issue.'

    "This makes it sound as if the whole weapons issue was just some trifling matter that disgruntled types keep harping on, rather than being the very centre of the administration's case for war.

    "It wasn't the left that turned WMD into a household phrase last winter; it was the White House."

    - - Linda McQuaig, the Toronto Star.

    "Constitutional right to privacy"?
    WTF's with that??

    Housekeeper: Rush Limbaugh paid me hush money!

    Lying pillpopper Limpbag: Damn Democrat! She was blackmailing me! We still haven't seen Bill Clinton's medical records, have we?*

    Judge: unseal your medical records for the prosecution, El Pigbo, and start practicing your squealy noises.

    *Actual quote from the junkie's show today.

    Heh heh
    Make your own "kick me" sign for indolent fascist Smirky the Chimp at Pen-Elayne on the Web!

    Merry effing whatever.
    I had to work today, and while the other cube rats were yakking and partying it up three cubes down, I actually had to do something in order to try to 'justify' my job for when the sh*tcanning of 'nonessential' personnel comes around in mid-January. Don't want to be seen as having any free time to f*rk off on the internet! Fa la la la la.

    Oh, and Happy Festivus!

    December 22, 2003

    Jon Stewart, Newsweek cover boy?!

    Ho ho!
    Hypocrite/lying junkie Rush Limbaugh, that paragon of morals, personal responsibility and accountability, is now saying that he was being blackmailed by his housekeeper, first for pills and then for extortion.

    Lawyer Roy Black said El Pigbo wanted to contact the FBI, but was told by an unidentified friend that if he went to the authorities, they would target him, and his political enemies would use the information against him.

    Sounds like the drugs talking.

    Boo-frickin-hoo. Take it like a man, you snivelling gasbag. Assh*le.

    The P.U.-Litzer Prizes for 2003
    AlterNet's 12th annual P.U.-litzer Prizes, for the foulest media performances of 2003.

    Thank you, thank you - I'll be here all week...
    "I came to this office to solve problems and not pass them on to future presidents and future generations." - - Unelected fascist G W Bush, at a NJ fund-raising stop, 12/1/03.

    Helen Thomas: 'Dick Cheney, hypocritical lying scumbucket'
    Well, words to that effect.

    Tweety Matthews wins Bigot of the Year award

    The NileMedia Bigot of the Year Award is given to permanently dishonor the individual who we think is the vilest hate-monger in the United States. Naturally, many candidates qualify for this title. This year we considered awarding it to a number of candidates, including Charles Krauthammer, Daniel Pipes, Wolf Blitzer, Aaron Brown and Bill Maher. But after much consideration, we decided that no one deserves it more than Chris Matthews of MSNBC. He is the loudest imbecile among this year's crop of candidates and he works for the two largest corporations in the world MicroSoft and General Electric, which owns NBC. So, we trust he will share his award with his paymasters. We will be sure to advise them of his rank as this year's dean of bigots.

    It must have been tough choosing from so many. I heard the panellists who had to decide on the finalists from Faux Nooze are still catatonic.

    Petulant pRez pissed at poodle
    Fascist incompetent Smirky McSissypants was 'incensed that [Tony 'Piddles'] Blair stole Washington's thunder by being the first Western leader to confirm that the former dictator had been arrested by US troops,' the Mirror reports.

    Blair's decision to announce was partly out of anger over a US veto on his proposed visit to British troops in Iraq during the Christmas holiday - pResidential advisers in Washington wanted the photo-opping fraud to be the sole leader to make a Christmas visit to troops in Baghdad and urged Downing Street to postpone any visit. What f*cking nerve.

    The sea was angry that day, my friends
    Fishermen dress lobster as Barbie

    "You try squeezing Barbie shoes on a lobster," Chris Costello said. "That was the most time-consuming thing."

    'Don't even THINK about it.'

    POY? FU!
    'Dear Time Warner'...

    And in a related story, the total number of wounded soldiers and medical evacuations from the war in Iraq is nearing 11,000.

    It is a toll the country has not seen since Vietnam, said Aseneth Blackwell, former national president of Gold Star Wives of America, Inc., a support group for people who lose a spouse from war.

    "It is staggering," said Blackwell.

    Gee. More WH lies.
    Saddam Hussein was taken by US troops only after he had been captured by Kurdish forces and drugged, a senior British military intelligence officer reported. Saddam was betrayed to the Kurdish Patriotic Front by a tribe member whose daughter had been raped by Saddam's son Uday, leading to a blood feud. The Sunday Express ( said the full story of events leading up to the Saddam's capture 'exposes the version peddled by American spin doctors as incomplete' while an intelligence source in the Middle East said 'Saddam was not captured as a result of any American or British intelligence. We knew that someone would eventually take their revenge, it was just a matter of time.'

    And then there's this:

    Time magazine, citing officials familiar with confidential accounts of Saddam's capture, cast doubt yesterday on the Pentagon version, that a defiant Saddam offered to negotiate, only to be told by one GI: "Regards from President Bush."
    The 'true' version involved Saddam spitting on the soldiers as they dragged him from his hidey-hole, whereby one promptly slugged him. At least that's today's story, since military spokesmen in Baghdad are 'claiming no knowledge' of it.

    And speaking of having no knowledge of...

    While the "we got him!" orgasmatron was exploding all over the news, unelected fascist Snippy the Chimp took the opportunity to continue to piss all over our rights by stealthily signing the Patriot II Act.

    Think that made you any safer?
    Threat indicators are "perhaps greater now than at any point'' since Sept. 11.

    The U.S. government raised its terror alert to the second highest level on Sunday and warned Americans there was a high risk militants might launch attacks around the holidays in the United States that could be bigger than those of Sept. 11, 2001.

    Ha! But if those haters of freedom decide to visit a casino, we got 'em! Of course, by the time the WH figures it out the suspects'll probably be dead in a suicide airliner bombing.

    The warning came right after Saddam's 'capture' had been exposed as a photo-op despite White House bullshitting assurances that many of al Qaeda's operations had been disrupted and that the occupation of Iraq was making the world safer. Despite the fact that the Taliban and Osama's forces have pretty much regrouped and that Saddam had nothing to do with the September 11th attacks.

    December 21, 2003

    Scary. And I can see it happening.
    "Israeli commentator Ze'ev Schiff suggests the White House might offer Saddam a deal: a life prison sentence in exchange for a false confession that he had indeed made and hidden weapons of mass destruction, thus absolving Bush and VP Dick Cheney of the accusation of having made extravagant lies to whip up war against Iraq." - - Eric Margolis.

    'The U.S. is still in its hole'
    'THE BIGGEST non-story of the year is the capture of former Iraqi dictator and butcher Saddam Hussein.

    'Saddam's capture, celebrated by the American media in tones which suggest an event of epic proportions, is the greatest blindsiding and the biggest illusionist's show on the world stage today. It would be comical if not taken so seriously by the big American media which dominate global news flows.

    '"We must not allow ourselves to be fooled by professional distractionists and illusionists like Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist who declared triumphantly and dishonestly after the capture of Saddam Hussein that "the reason we were in that country in the first place are being realised." No, that is not why the Americans went in. They went in to find and destroy the weapons of mass destruction and they have not done so.' - - Ian Boyne.

    Accountability is for suckers
    Reboob Rep. 'Wild Bill' Janklow has filed a motion asking for acquittal of a second-degree manslaughter charge or a new trial stemming from an Aug. 16 crash that killed motorcyclist Randy Scott when Janklow, as was his wont, sped through a stop sign.

    What a complete waste of O2 that piece of sh*t is. The court should take his motion and his license and shove them both up his a$$.

    Speaking of ....
    Police confident they can "sniff out" stolen penis.

    The Bush cartel's warm welcome to Libya
    "Bush’s words were warm and effusive, as indeed they should have been given the rewards that await the US oil industry if sanctions are lifted. During the 1980s, US firms were producing one million barrels of Libyan oil per day and, according to a recent report, new technology could see this double. One firm which would benefit from this is the Halliburton Corporation, whose chief executive until recently was the US vice-president, Dick Cheney."

    Hussein was held by Kurds before U.S. capture
    Agence France-Presse is reporting that Saddam was captured by US troops only after being held prisoner by Kurdish forces, who had had drugged and abandoned him.

    The Kurdish Patriotic Front held Hussien until it negotiated for more political advantage in the Middle East, AFP said, quoting an unidentified Iraqi intelligence officer.

    Time magazine's Person of Year
    Is the U.S. Soldier.
    'The magazine glorifies soldiers but not the Bush administration for putting them in Iraq, calling troops "the bright sharp instrument of a blunt policy."

    December 20, 2003

    Looking at today's entries so far, I suddenly realized I've posted a lot of pics of genitalia: dick, nuts, dick, balls, pussy, {snowman}, dick...

    I need a cigar.

    Steaming pile of santorum
    "If there was any justice in the world, his nuts would be crushed in a vise."- - Ron Guilmette, operator of the anti-spam web site, of Bill Waggoner, spam king, reboob, and hawker of penis-enlargement-pills (seen at Counterspin Central).

    If pets could send holiday greetings

  • We, your cats, at Christmas say,
    Thanks for caring for us each day.
    We love this season, all green and red,
    And by the way, the hamster's dead.

  • I'd like to bark a merry tune,
    I'd like to deck the halls.
    I'd like to bring the world some joy,
    But first, I'll lick my balls.

  • As watchman-cat, I've done my job,
    The house is safe once more.
    That shiny stuff that stormed the tree
    Is dead now on the floor.

  • Santa brought you presents,
    While you slept in your beds.
    All I, your cat, can offer
    Is a field mouse, ripped to shreds.

  • This Christmas Eve if you hear a noise,
    it's me -- your little Yuletide elf.
    In your shoe, you'll find a steaming gift,
    I made it by myself!

  • I think that I shall never see
    a thing as lovely as a Christmas tree.
    You decorated it so nice,
    I'm sorry I peed on it -- twice.

    - - email from MikeD.

  • _________________________________________________
    Why sore Whinerman is still an asshole
    Part XVIII in a series

    Clueless Joe Lieberman calls Howard Dean a "divisive leader."

    "Mmmmmm! Maybe Dubya will pick ME as his new VP!"

    Don't have a job?
    Well, according to the Bush cartel, it's all your fault!

    "Justice" Dept approves Texas congressional map
    Gee. What a surprise.

    In a devastating blow to Democrats and minorities, Jesus John Ashcroft signed off on the Rove/DeLay congressional redistricting plan on Friday, putting the bitterly contested map a step closer to becoming reality in time for the 2004 elections.

    Republican officials praised the decision, but opponents blasted it as the action of a highly partisan Justice Department that "hijacks" minority voting rights for political gain.

    Reboob hull breech!
    Corruption claim governor says he was called by God

    Governor John Rowland of Connecticut has rejected calls for his resignation over corruption allegations, saying he is in direct contact with God.

    In a performance worthy of a fallen "televangelist" John Rowland, who has admitted accepting favours and gifts from powerful businessmen, defended his position by saying the Almighty had called to him "loud and clear" in his "adversity."

    Mr Rowland, a Republican who faces a federal inquiry into the awarding of lucrative state contracts, spoke flanked by local soldiers recently returned from Iraq.

    Several of his aides also face inquiries, including a deputy chief of staff who pleaded guilty to steering state contracts to firms in exchange for cash and gold, some of which he buried in his backyard.

    At the same public appearance, before a sympathetic audience of businessmen and lobbyists, the governor's wife delivered her own version of the poem The Night Before Christmas, in which she predicted that Father Christmas would deliver coal, rather than presents, to a local newspaper which unmasked her husband as lying about who paid for expensive repairs to their lakeside cottage.

    In the poem, which drew gasps from the audience, Mrs Rowland compared staff at the Hartford Courant newspaper to "grinches who have stolen our tree." Her parody went on to describe a Christmas wish "for the man next to me: a new year that is peaceful and refreshingly free of rumours and hearsay that do nothing but smother the positive works we should do for each other."

    Next: Gov. and Mrs Rowland unveil massive statue of the Ten Commandments in front of their suites at the Conn. Mental Asylum.

    Pic by Missus Gumby.

    Halliburton withholding papers
    Pentagon auditors have accused Dick 'Chicanery' Cheney's "former" company, Halliburton, of refusing to turn over documents that show the company knew of "significant internal control weaknesses" in an Iraq fuel contract that has allegedly overcharged taxpayers nearly $100 million.

    A letter from the Defense Contract Audit Agency to a top official at Kellogg Brown & Root, the Halliburton subsidiary handling more than $5 billion of work in Iraq, says that KBR's refusal to turn over the internal audit "is not in the spirit of open communication, trust and cooperation."

    Well duh.


    December 19, 2003

    'And could I have an autographed picture of you in that flight-suit?'
    Diane 'dumbasshit' 'Sawyer's interview did produce one significant piece of news. When she queried Bush about whether Saddam had weapons of mass destruction or just might try to acquire them, Bush said, "What's the difference?...If he wants to acquire weapons, that would be the danger...And so we got rid of him."

    'There is an almost imperative follow-up: "President Bush, are you really saying that there's no difference between whether Saddam had weapons of mass destruction or just wanted them? Because that's not what you told this nation when you asked us to go to war."

    'Too bad Sawyer didn't ask that, or anything like it.' - - from the strangely-named Richard Blow's piece at

    What Christmas Carol are you?
    Take the quiz.

    Under cover of darkness
    'Never before has the House of Representatives operated in such secrecy.'

    'Hey, we cautioned him!'
    'The administrations of Reagan and George H.W. Bush sold military goods to Iraq, including poisonous chemicals and deadly biological agents.'

    Don Rumsfeld went to Baghdad in March 1984 with instructions to deliver a private message from Saint Ronald of Reagan about weapons of mass destruction: that the United States' public criticism of Iraq for using chemical weapons would not derail Washington's attempts to forge a better relationship, according to newly declassified documents obtained under the Freedom of Information Act. - - more at the WaComPo.

    "The Supreme Court took the case to kill it"
    The Dick 'Chicanery' Cheney energy task force suit goes to the Supreme Criminals. "We're totally screwed," said one lawyer close to the case.

    "The US and the UK are so wedded to the idea that the Iraqis were hiding things that they are not willing to explore the possibility that they're wrong." - - Hans Blix.

    But...but...we got Saddam! And look - Michael Jackson news!

    Take the Ralph Nader 2004 Presidential Exploratory Committee survey on whether you would support his candidacy for President (thanks to Hesiod).

    Closed-circuit cameras capture a ghost in period dress opening doors at Hampton Court Palace, one of the homes of King Henry VIII, and long-reported to be haunted.

    Beautiful images from the Spitzer Space Telescope.

    To Jon Stewart, who is ABC World News Tonight's Person of the Week.

    December 18, 2003

    Jesus John Asscroft, in front of a Rovian backdrop reading "Preserving Life and Liberty," demonstrates how he'd like to choke the living snot out of commie unbelievers and the ACLU, here.

    Coffee-flavored cereal .....

    This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

    Just in time for the holidays
    The Bushocchio inflatable doll (with pic).

    • No Integrity Required!
    • Easy on Billionaires but Tough on the Truth!
    • Folds Up to Fit in Any Corporate Briefcase!

    Rear view includes mischievous "Impeach Me!" sign stuck on his back. Shoulder has genuine AWOL flag patch!

    'Is the search for weapons over?'
    'After eight months with no discoveries, mission chief quits; fewer than 40 of the 1,400 inspectors still in the field; as attacks on US military grow, WMD hunt no longer a priority.'

    What the eds of the Independent really wanted to write was Poppy's Widdle Poop-head Manages to Find Guy Who Tried to Kill His Dad, Doesn't Need "Smoking Mushroom Cloud" Excuse Any Longer - Besides, the Sheeple Just Don't Give a Sh*t.

    "pResidential authority does not exist in a vacuum"
    Bitchslapped! Fascist punk Emperor Snippy overruled in "dirty bomb" case - court orders release of "enemy combatant" Jose Padilla, says resident does not have authority to detain US citizen captured on US soil.

    In other news

  • Michael Jackson becomes the first white woman to join the Nation of Islam.

  • "Host unhinged after sales figures revealed," screams site. In a froth over a story drudge posted (see yesterday's O'Lielly caught in lie), gasbag and petulant crybaby Bill O'Reilly called the drudge report a "threat to democracy."
    "I mean you can't believe a word Matt Drudge says. Now you've got the Matt Drudges of the world and these other people, Michael Moore and all of these crazies, all right, no responsibility... that is a threat to democracy, I think," O'Reilly warned. "They'll just spin it and twist it and take it out of proportion every which way."

    "There is no other cure than to kill Matt Drudge," O'Reilly said on the Imus in the Morning radio show. "I just want to tell everybody that Matt Drudge is smoking crack - right now, in South Miami Beach on Washington Avenue... And the authorities should know it."
    Take it like a man, you snivelling asswipe.

  • _________________________________________________
    Signs that your spouse is sleeping with Santa

  • Instead of cookies and milk, she leaves out a fifth of Scotch and edible panties.
  • Comes home with tinsel stuck between her teeth and Claus marks on her back.
  • Of the 200 presents for her under the tree, you bought three of them.
  • Never very adventuresome in bed, she suddenly asks if you want to do it "reindeer style."
  • He comes in late, brushes his teeth furiously, uses floss and mouthwash for the first time in years, then says, "Well, it looks like I'm finally getting that train set this year!"

    - - email from MikeD.