January 31, 2009

Get the eff up! Iz Caturday!

Caturday awwwwwwws

Kittens on a Roomba:

Around blogtopia: the BAD edition

It's Blogroll Amnesty weekend, where we celebrate the wonderful yet somehow rarely-heard-from voices in blogtopia (y!sctp!).

  • Wow. Just ... wow.
  • And the 2009 Aristocrats Biggest Pussy in the House award goes to...
  • Bloody awesome NYT front page!
  • Another "President Obama needs to tell the repukes I won'" moment.
  • Why the fuck Is Pres Obama trying to be bipartisan with the asswipes who wrecked our nation? But there's hope.
  • Why aren't these guys bailing out the car companies??
  • 64 years ago today.
  • President Obama creating a new 'Greatest Generation'.
  • What Jill said.
  • Recycle those coffee grounds! Link thanks to BiomesBlog.
  • The rethugs: fucking tone-deaf jerkwads.

  • If there's a blog that you'd like to see here, please give us the link in the comments!

    January 30, 2009

    Fark.com headline of the day

    We have a tie!

    Former Pres. Carter says that history may treat George W. Bush more kindly. So, in 20 years, history may call him a 'total failure' instead of 'an absolute total failure with the brain capacity of a potato'

    -- actual story here.

    Volcano threatens Sarah Palin's position as the biggest producer of hot air in Alaska

    -- story here.

    Friday Funnies

    "So far so good for the Obamas. The family is settled in. There's the President and his wife and the kids and the mother-in-law. And they're settling nicely. The only problem, the only complaint -- and they don't want to make trouble -- but the only complaint is they can still hear creepy organ music coming from Dick Cheney's dungeon." --David Letterman
    "This is kind of an awkward time for President Bush. He's too young to retire, yet still too old to destroy the moral and economic infrastructure of another country." --Jay Leno
    "But Dick Cheney, you've got to give him credit. He's enjoying his first week as a private citizen. In fact, today, he was out hunting human prey." --David Letterman

    RNC propaganda nutwork: majority of Americans hate America

    A new poll by Fox News has large numbers of troop-hating Islamocommiedefeatohomofascist terrist fistbumpers giving a "teary-eyed thumbs up for Pres Obama," middle fingers to Bush.

    The latest Fox News poll finds 65 percent of Americans approve of the job President Obama is doing, and more than a quarter were moved to tears during his inauguration.

    Coincidently, most of the Fux Nooze staff were moved to tears upon reading the poll results.

    In other news...

  • Octuplets' mom has whole other litter 6 other children
    Dad to return to Iraq to get some peace and quiet.
    You already have 6 kids and you're taking fertility treatments?? WTF????

  • Rare medical condition called "cello scrotum" debunked
    Disease just a load of balls, say physicians.

  • Exxon Mobil sets record with $45.2 billion profit
    Fuck you.

  • Spreadin' democritude. To your face
    Giant shoe-shaped statue built to honor the Iraqi journalist who hurled his shoes at Il DuceBag goes on display in Tikrit.

  • A season of hope, reconciliation, and generosity

    With all other problems solved, Faux Nooze and their dipshit freetard dittospankmonkeys have nothing else to do but obsess about their own miserable failures:

    It took four years for Google to address the Google bomb that was lobbed at former Pretzaldent Bush the Unmitigated Disaster. But it took the internet behemoth only a few days to defuse the same attack on President Obama. Four years versus a few days ... Some mouthbreathing conservatard spermburpers are asking why...

    Because fuck you, you're stupid. Jeebus fucking Christ in a go-cart.

    "Though the spirit of change may be in the air in Washington, some things apparently stay the same," Google software engineer Matt Curtis said. "Like the braindead asswipe circlejerks on the right. Don't these idiots have bigger issues to worry about? Fuck me."

    John Kerry: "fuck 'em!"

    Sen. Kerry says Democrats should ignore republicans’ demands about the stimulus plan if they’re going to vote against it anyway.

    Reacting to Wednesday night’s vote in the House — where not a single GOP member supported the stimulus package — Kerry told Politico that “if Republicans aren’t prepared to vote for it, we shouldn't be offering to give up things. Fuck that. I'm sick of this shit.”
    As if. He's gonna roll over like cheap date on meth.

    Because I got Nuthin'

    Oh Fark.

    Showing the kind of hard-hitting reporting the media is famous for, a new study concludes 28% of people cried during Obama's inauguration. Since this is from FOXNews, you know why they were crying.
    I too, cried during the inauguration - but I think it was mostly because of the new nipple clamps.

    "The comeback starts now!"

    Uhhh, ok, now!

    Ok, wait ... .... ummmmmm, now!

    Mike Duncan, Chimpy McFailure's hand-picked national repuke party chairman, abandoned his re-election bid Friday after his support "steadily eroded over three rounds of balloting." In fact, none of his four challengers got the required 85 votes needed.

    Update: in a sure sign of desperation, the RNC, on their fourth vote, elected a black guy to head their party. A magic negro, if you will.

    January 29, 2009

    Worst... escape... evar

    This is hysterical. It just needs the "Benny Hill" soundtrack to make it perfect:

    Pravda and al Jazeera Would be Envious

    Republican control of government required a majority of Rethuglicans on cable news; apparently Dem control of government requires mostly Rethuglicans too.
    This has been yet another episode of "Yore Librul Media."

    "Obama's White House is too political"

    Satan's porcine handmaiden, desperately trying to stay relevant, concern-trolls the new administration. 

    Uhhhh, why isn't this subhumanoid in prison yet? And why are people still paying him for his stupid opinions?

    Porculant antichrist Karl Rove, responsible for and serving with the most partisan and disastrous dipshits evar, says the new Obama administration is too political and disorganized, the staff aren't sitting where he would expect them to be sitting, and wehhhhhh, even his old office is gone!1! How can they possibly govern effectively??????

    Asshat. Maybe he should have worried about that BEFORE he helped fuck everything up.

    And shouldn't he be busy preparing for his deposition?

    Gallup poll: most of America doesn't support America

    According to Gallup, only five states backed the gpukes in 2008: Utah, Wyoming, Idaho, Alaska, and Nebraska.

    A majority of Americans nationwide said they identified with or leaned to the Democratic Party.

    That dramatic turnaround is clearly an outgrowth of Americans' dissatisfaction with the way the Republicans (in particular, George W. Bush) governed the country.

    Boy, you sure wouldn't know it from the way the repukes have been acting the past few days. But hey, if they keep it up, maybe they'll lose a few more states.

    What a Surprise

    Demonstrating genuine concern for the American economy and in the spirit of true bi-partisanship, the economic stimulus bill was passed in the house with a bi-partisan total of ZERO Rethuglican votes.
    Bonus fun fact: Multiple corporations announced thousands of additional layoffs today. The news comes as more Americans receive unemployment benefits than at any time since the government started keeping track in 1967.
    Cunt tree First!!

    More manufactured outrage from the loony right

    In this season of reconciliation and hope that we can rise above the past's corrosive polarization, an unhinged yambag at the Retardlican Liberty Caucus starts pulling shit out of his ass:

    Palin Derangement Syndrome returns: Blogger mocks governor for wearing glasses

    The Palin Derangement Syndrome on the radical left is getting worse. A blogger on the LimeLife.com site is now attacking Gov. Palin for wearing glasses. She didn’t quite call her “four eyes,” but used the slightly more snarky “spectacled one” to describe the former vice presidential nominee and governor of America’s 50th state. Those Leftist writers are so sophisticated. What are they going to do next? Trip retarded kids who are crossing the street?

    Yeah, starting with you.

    You have GOT to be fucking kidding. Since when does “spectacled one” = snarky? It's rather somewhat dashing in a nerdish kind of way. Like Indiana Jones. But that's just me, a “spectacled one.” Oh, I forgot: us Leftist writers are too sophisticated to wear glasses. Merde en croute!

    Jeebus, just when you thought the Demoncrap Derangement Syndrome on the retarded right -- but I repeat myself -- couldn't get any worse... Now they're actively making stuff up to get "outraged" about. Idiots.

    Above: typical freetard.

    With all other problems solved...

    Some twat-hole with the initials "Noel Sheppard" (at the conservatard site newsbusters.cum) has nothing else to do but obsess about this:

    On Tuesday, President Barack Obama attempted to enter the Oval Office via a panel of windows he mistook for a door. Will media ridicule him for this innocent mistake much as they did George W. Bush when he tried exiting a meeting with reporters in Beijing back in November 2005?

    Gawd. Get a fucking life, jerkwad.

    Oh, sorry: In this season of reconciliation and hope and in the spirit of generosity, we shall now call the Waahhhhhhhhhmbulance. Cart this whinging assclown away.

    Update: one of the roommates tells me this was also a big topic today on Fux and Friends. Sigh. Let's recap...

    THIS is retarded:

    Notice the fuckingly doofy "durrrrrrr!" face of Der Chimpleton as he keeps tugging on the door.

    This is not:

    Now fuck off.

    Despair spreads amid mounting job losses

    Number of Americans receiving jobless benefits hits an all-time record.

    And President Obama's stimulus plan gets no GOP support in the House. None. Zip. Nada. 0. Bupkus. Zero.

    In this season of hope that we can rise above the corrosive polarization of recent years, and in the spirit of generosity, not one single fucking rethuglican voted to pass the economic recovery bill.

    Why do rethuglicans hate America?

    Oh. Mah. Gawd.

    January 28, 2009

    They closed work today!!     : )

    I'm Loving me some Obama....

    But still.....

    YOUR thoughts?

    January 27, 2009

    Headline of the day

    "In his final New York Times column, Bill Kristol says conservatives have done a great deal of good for the American people. For instance: destroying the Republican party."
    -- Heh. From fark.com

    Consistently wrong douchewad gets new paying job

    Kristol the Klown returns to the WaComPo, which obviously has lower standards, lubier analpucker than the NYT. Drooling, weapons-grade-stupid yamsack wHoward Kurtz, one of the biggest twats in the media, explains:

    Bill Kristol and the New York Times parted company yesterday, one year after he began writing a weekly opinion column that became a high-profile target for his detractors on the left sentient organisms.

    There, fixed it for you. Dickhead.

    It's not that he was a wank-brained neocon spoogebucket, its that he was always wrong. About everything.

    Those targeting Bush should let their hate 'die away'

    Right. Us Demoncraps with our nasty Bush Derangement Syndrome should just let it go and bask in all the flowers-and-butterflies magic-pony love that has taken over the land and turned the rest of America into sappy, happy little bluebirds. Right. Well, you know what? Either let's see you re-tards start practicing what you're whinging about, or fuck you.

    Ignoring the waves of Obama/Clinton/Dem hate eminating from rightwingnut sites, hate radio gasbags, conservatard authors and Faux Nooze commentators, the USA Toady's Ross K. Baker wistfully asks to let bygones be libs to continue to assume the position:

    In this season of reconciliation and hope that we can rise above the corrosive polarization of recent years, a chorus of angry voices has pressed aggressively for criminal charges to be brought against former president George W. Bush, former vice president Dick Cheney and members of the intelligence community thought guilty of constitutional violations or of practicing or sanctioning torture.

    This "movement," if one could call it that, makes a mockery of the spirit of generosity and compassion to which President Obama is dedicated.

    Weh weh weh 'decency and fair play.' 

    "Thought guilty of"?? Fuck that. There's no question about it! Fuck people like this trying to pooh-pooh the past eight disastrous years of the misadministration shitting all over the Constitution and basic human rights. Fuck them for trying to burnish the failure-in-chief's legacy of illegality and incompetence. Fuck them for trying to brush their war crimes under the rug. A commenter adds:

    Torture, rendition, politicizing the Justice Department and failure to honor congressional subpoenas clearly rise to the level of high crimes. If Obama truly believes the law is sacrosanct, it is his duty to pursue an investigation of the Bush administration, no matter where it leads. This is the only way to prevent future executives from engaging in even more serious abuses of power. It's the rule of law boys, remember?


    In a related story of reconciliation and hope, rethugs are actively lobbying to kill President Obama's economic stimulus plan.

    Fuck 'em.

    Haggard: 'inappropriate' relationship not physical

    Uhhhh, "I didn't inhale."

    Disgraced evangelical pastor/knobgobbler Ted Haggard haggardly apologized Monday for his "inappropriate relationship" with a young, hot male volunteer, but said it did not involve physical contact.

    The church didn't describe what made the relationship sexual -- just that it was "long-running inappropriate, consensual and sexual" -- but has emphasized that any sexual relations outside of marriage — whether hetero or homo — are wrong.

    In an AP interview this month, Haggard described his sexuality as complex, and something that can't be put into "stereotypical boxes."

    Haggard, married to a woman with, one assumes, a stereotypical box, has five children and deep denial issues.

    Rove ordered to testify to Congress

    House Judiciary chairman to Satan's porcine handmaiden: "There's a new sheriff in town, motherfucker"

    Oh, this is sweet: Not only did John Conyers subpoena corpulent antichrist Karl Rove on Monday, he basically told him to cheney himself.

    The subpoena commanded Rove to appear for a deposition on Feb. 2, to testify about his firings of U.S. attorneys and his prosecution of former Democratic governor Don Siegelman.

    Bunnypants von Stupid upheld Rove's legal position, but Conyers said times have changed:

    "That 'absolute immunity' position has been rejected by U.S. District Judge John Bates and President Obama has dismissed the claim as fucking bullshit and 'completely misguided,'" Conyers said in a statement.

    "Change has come to Washington, and I hope Karl Rove is ready for it. After two years of stonewalling, it's time for him to talk," Conyers said.


    Oh please oh please oh please oh please

    January 26, 2009

    All good things come to those who wait

    The NYT finally shitcans fuckfaced imbecile Bill "Always Wrong" Kristol, who defends his record to the very last:

    All good things must come to an end. Jan. 20, 2009, marked the end of a conservative era. Conservatives have been right more often than not — and more often than liberals — about most of the important issues of the day: about Communism and jihadism, crime and welfare, education and the family. Conservative policies have on the whole worked — insofar as any set of policies can be said to “work” in the real world.

    So what the fuck are you talking about, then? Gee, my magic invisible tiger has on the whole worked to keep me safe from pterodactyls -- insofar as any magical animals can be said to "work" in the real world - but you don't see me going on about it. Douche.

    Conservatives of the Reagan-Bush-Gingrich-Bush years have a fair amount to be proud of.

    That's because they're utter twats. The piece closes with the following:

    This is William Kristol’s last column.

    Oh frabjious day!

    Mmmmmmm, cherry kool-aid...

    Conservatards’ 40-minute denunciation of Drinky McDisasterMonkey: He was a ‘knowing liar’ who ‘walked all over us.'

    Huh. Just kidding. They completely went down on his chimpy little dick. I feel filthy just posting about it.

    In an inexplicable act of total dumbnitude Thursday, Reps. Trent Franks (R-AZ), Mike Pence (R-IN), and Steve King (R-IA) blew their loads all over the floor of the House. I must warn you, please remove all sharp objects from your area, as what happened will disgust and appall you:

    FRANKS: Now Mr. Speaker, since it is Jan. 22, and since we have made a great transition in this country, I feel like it is also appropriate for me tonight to say some words in tribute to one George Walker Bush. Throughout his war on terrorism, and our war on terrorism, President Bush often had to walk like a knowing lion — like a knowing lion, Mr. Speaker, through the chattering of hyenas. And endure the incessant insults and thoughtless criticisms of those whose vision only reached to the selfish partisan advantage of the moment.

    But if those critics do not devour themselves in the meantime, Mr. Speaker, they may face the bared teeth of an enemy that will make us all wish the lion still walked among us.

    Cuttin' brush, playin' GameBoy, takin' vacations, napping, ignoring intelligence warnings, ignoring intelligence period...

    PENCE: So I stand here today, not as a vacuous apologist for President George W. Bush...

    ... which I am!

    ... but I come here today among other cherished colleagues — like the gentleman from Iowa — simply to say that I truly believe that this nation owes a debt of gratitude to George W. Bush.

    If by "this nation" you mean "oil executives," "rich white guys," or "Muslim extremists."

    KING: I’m here to say thank you to President Bush for the things that he has done when he’s had his steady hand on the till...

    Yeah, like a crooked deli worker with his thumb on the scale.

    ... of leadership...

    ** choke ** OMFG You have GOT to be kidding. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!1!

    ... and especially with our national defense.

    Well, except for that whole 9/11 thing, for one. A commenter added:

    The legacy these three pinheads are mooning over:

    Final tally: 10,100+ Americans DEAD as a DIRECT result of Bush’s incompetence.
    (3,000 on 9/11. 1,600 in Katrina. 4,500 in Iraq, 1000 in Afghanistan.)
    Debt: $11.3 Trillion
    $4.00 gas; $147 oil.
    Osama bin Laden still on the loose.


    Plus hundreds of thousands unemployed and uninsured. Heckuva jorb, asshats.

    January 24, 2009

    Wake up! Iz Caturday!

    January 23, 2009

    As Memorable as My First Orgasm

    Note the symbolism.

    Pic from: Americablog

    Fox Spews

    Time wasters

  • Seven movies without an ending
  • Unfortunate town names of the UK
  • Heavy Metal band names flowchart
  • Pics of the inauguration front pages from around the world

  • This just in: Obama does not have magic powers!!!!

    The US's newest President was not able to bend matter and increase the size of the Washington DC mall, reports some drooling fuckpipe at the ironically-named "American Thinker."

    "Already the tarnish is gathering on the crown. The Internet is ablaze with the story. {Wrong -- Ed.} The most lavish and expensive inauguration in America's history left tens of thousands of supporters with tickets to the inauguration denied access to the mall."

    OMG!!1!!1! They absolutely couldn't pack any more people into the almost 2-million-large crowd!!! Wtf is Obama's problem, anyway?!?!??!11!

    Blagojevich: Strain on him, family is like Pearl Harbor

    Nation: strain of Blagojevich like Thermylodyte's seige of Parnassia during the Peloponesian War, as performed in interpretive dance by the Cirque de Soleil.

    You know, I've had it with this guy.

    Illinois' attention-whoring governor compared his early morning December arrest by FBI agents to Japan's 1941 attack on Pearl Harbor. He says it was a "complete surprise" but he'll prevail, just like America in World War II.

    Please. Dude, you're not any kind of heroic, patriotic figure of strength, just a crooked piece of shit that really needs to shut the fuck up and go the fuck away. Like now.

    Fux Nutwork brings on tax cheat to criticize Geithner

    Toe-sucking midget just doesn't know when to shut his fucking piehole.

    On January 21's The O'Reilly Factor, Bill O'Reilly hosted hideous goblin Dick Morris, who repeatedly criticized Treasury Secretary-designate Timothy Geithner for his failure to pay Social Security taxes several years ago.

    Morris stated, "I have a huge problem with Geithner," later adding, "How could you trust him?" However, during the broadcast, neither O'Reilly nor Morris acknowledged Morris' own history of tax delinquency. Indeed, USA Today included Morris in an April 2008 report on "big names" of tiny people who are tax delinquents.

    The IRS filed a $1.5 million tax lien against him in 2003. According to the Connecticut Department of Revenue Services, Morris owed the state $443,915 as of November 1, 2007, making him the state's sixth-biggest tax delinquent at that time. He was also listed as one of Connecticut's 10 biggest tax delinquents as of October 1, 2007, and April 1, 2007.

    By February of 2008 he was made grand emeritus of the delinquent list, and enshrined in their Hall of Shame, where he will remain in perpetuity.

    Gee, you'd think with all the big bucks Fox pays him, he could spare enough to pay off his debt. Asshole.

    January 22, 2009

    Pic of the day

    I call it "Fuck the shoes!"

    Photo taken from Dependable Renegade.

    Post Partisan Blowjobs for All!!!!

    This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

    "A magical moment"


    Headline of the day

    Chris Wallace: "Obama isn't president because he stammered part of the oath."    Dude, we voted you guys out for a reason.

    -- seen at fark.com

    We Interrupt Regular Programming.......

    ....to bring you this special announcement.

    Time wasters

  • Bizarre signs from around the world
  • 16 more images you won't believe aren't photoshopped
  • Top 10 weird iPhone and iPod touch applications
  • Things you never noticed in famous pictures

  • Headlines from around teh intarwebs

  • Obama starts reversing Bush policies
    Will start reversing presidential limo over Bush enablers next week.

  • Bird remains found in downed jet's engine
    Human excrement found in downed jet's passenger seats.

  • Fire burns NYC hospital ER
    Patients moved to another NYC hospital ER.

  • The First Couple enjoy "fisting each other"
    Sound waves from evangelicals' heads exploding cause massive flux in the space-time continuum.

  • Former French President surrenders
    Jacques Chirac hospitalised after mauling by his "clinically depressed poodle".

  • New staff find White House in tech Dark Ages
    Comic books, empty liquor bottles in Oval Office sofa cushions.

  • Obama retakes oath of office

    Out of "an abundance of caution" Roberts supplied with cue cards, teleprompter, earphones while Rahm Emannuel held a lighter under his autographed photo of Bush on the deck of the USS Codpiece.

    In a highly unusual move, President Barack Obama retook the oath of office from Chief Justice John Roberts, who stumbled when he originally swore in the 44th US president on Tuesday.

    "We decided it was so much fun..." Obama joked.

    "Are you ready to take the oath?" Roberts asked, wincing as pressure grew around his shrivelling balls.

    "I am, and we're going to do it very slowly," Obama replied.

    Heh. US President Barack Obama. Awesome.

    Coleman packs, vows to continue Senate seat fight

    A bitter Norm Coleman, mumbling incoherently under his breath, began packing his Capitol Hill office Wednesday, but said he has no intention of giving up his legal fight:

    "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? No! Who's with me?!" he screamed, running in circles around piled-up boxes before collapsing in sobs on the office floor.

    A sympathetic intern led the former Senator to the public men's room before alerting Security.

    Above: Sen. Coleman

    Kiss Me, I'm Ccccummin'

    Oh the afterglow......
    Things that are currently stirring my loins: The words “Ex-President George W. Bush.” It’s not as nice as “Imprisoned Former President George W. Bush” of Guantanamo death row inmate Smirky McChimpface but it's an improvement.
    Oops, too late. Hold meeeeee! Was it good for YOU?
    Which reminds me, the bestest evah comment about the end of the reign of thievery and terror was made by WTF commenter gallery who said: "Watching that helicopter take off was as memorable as my first orgasm."
    Tru dat!

    Palin to news organizations: "Look at me! Me me me me me!"

    The Disasta from Alaska, pouting because she hasn't been in the news for a few days, throws another media-centric temper tantrum guaranteed to get her coverage. Why are we covering her? Well, 'cause she's like a fucking trainwreck.

    The offensive Sarah Palin is going on the offensive against news organizations and bloggers she says are perpetuating malicious gossip about her and her trailertrash spaw -- sorry, her unwed HS drop-out lil rednecks. But political observers say the former beauty contestant can't have it both ways: trotting out the children to showcase her family values, then trying to shield them from scrutiny.

    [I]n recent weeks, she has personally reached out to media outlets such as People magazine, Fux Nooze and the AssPress to complain... Experts believe the first-term governor is engaged in a campaign to keep her name in the spotlight.

    "I think she's exploiting and cultivating the anti-intellectual and anti-elitist side of the Republican party. But I repeat myself," said Leonard Sheldon, professor and expert on unhinged nutbars. "She's trying to salvage her reputation, so she attacks the messenger. If she would just shut the fuck up her problem would be solved."

    The clueless hosebag's complaints about the media assure continued coverage, said Lisa Burns, associate professor of media studies at Quinnipiac University.

    "The media interest will wane. I think it already has," Burns said. "I have to wonder if this is something she's doing to keep her name out there."

    "Christ, yeah. If there's a bigger attention whore out there right now, I'd certainly like to know about it," sighed Sheldon, pretending to stick forks in his eyes.

    January 21, 2009

    Yes I Will Suck Yours Too

    Clearly demonstrating that one doesn’t need to be a weatherman to know which way the wind blows, sanctimonious quisling Joe LIEberman(I-Me) is unsurprisingly leaping on to the bandwagon.

    "This is truly a great day for our blessed nation! I was deeply moved and inspired by President Obama's eloquent and stirring address. Now is the time to unite as a nation behind our new president's leadership and address the challenges facing our country at home and abroad,"
    He also said that he would "do everything" in his power to help Obama be one of he nation's "greatest and most successful presidents."
    Ground control to Drooly McCocksucker: You should have thought about that before you campaigned for McSenile, you opportunistic cum towel.
    Joe, you’re not needed. You played the wrong hand.