Friday Funnies-Wide Stance Edition

"Boy, how about that Senator Larry Craig. ... Now he's thinking maybe he will be back in the Senate. He's not really going to resign. The whole thing raises a question for me: shouldn't those cops that arrested him at the airport, shouldn't they be looking for terrorists, honestly." --David Letterman
"He's having second thoughts about resigning, and I was thinking, well, he should have had second thoughts about tapping his foot in the men's room. ... No, he's changed his mind and he's thinking he's going to stay in the Senate, and that occurred to him after he saw the new batch of fall pages." --David Letterman
"How about that President Bush, he makes that surprise trip to Iraq. Was pretty impressive don't you think? He spent a few quick hours visiting with the troops, and then he left. You know, it was just like his days in the National Guard." --David Letterman
"Senator Larry Craig announced he's now rethinking his decision to resign from the Senate. He resigned from the Senate and now he's rethinking his decision to resign from Senate. Craig says he's going talk the decision over with his wife, and the guy in stall number 3." --Conan O'Brien
"Senator Fred Thompson is on the show tonight, and he says he has something major to announce. In America that can only be one of three things. So he's either pregnant, gay, or running for president." --Jay Leno
"Fred Thompson was 17 when he first got married, which caused a huge scandal in his small hometown in Tennessee. Apparently, he chose to marry outside the family." --Jay Leno
"After announcing last week that he was going to resign from the Senate, Idaho Senator Larry Craig, you know, the restroom enthusiast, says he may change his mind and not resign. First he's going to resign, now he's not going. Why can't the guy just be straight with us?" --Jay Leno
"Apparently he came to this decision because Senator Arlen Specter is coming out in his defense. So his family is coming out for him, Arlen Specter is coming out for him. The only one not coming out is him." --Jay Leno
"Over the weekend Senator Larry Craig from Iowa resigned from the Senate. He said he'd like to spend more time not being gay." --David Letterman
"Over the weekend, of course, disgraced Idaho Senator Larry Craig resigned after Republicans refused to defend him. Yeah, Republicans were not happy with him. Yeah, the Republicans' last words were 'don't let the men's room door hit your ass on the way out'"--Conan O'Brien
In heterosexual news, the Government Accountability Office ... says that things are not improving in Iraq, despite what the administration says. They say Iraq has failed to meet 15 of the 18 benchmarks that they said they had to meet. To give you an idea of how pathetic it's going over there, Lindsay Lohan is doing better in rehab. Of course I'm kidding about that now. No, the rumor about her now is that she was caught having doing drugs and having sex in a toilet with a male patient. I didn't even know she was Republican." --Bill Maher